A Wife Led Marriage

"A Website for Today's Christian Couple"

A Wife Led Marriage

by Minister Wanda Collins

A Wife led marriage? Meaning the wife is in complete control and the husband is the helpmeet. This is definitely not the plan of God. As the Bible clearly states that the man is the head of the woman; just a Christ is the head of the church. So then how does this happen in Christian households?

Well, here are just a few thoughts on the matter. First of all, it may have a lot to do with personality types and past familial experiences. The husband may have a passive personality, or is repeating behaviors he witnessed while growing up. If the wife has a strong personality and the husband has more of a passive personality, this can easily lead to a reversal of roles. Also, a wife may feel that she is intellectually superior to her husband and therefore better equipped to run the household. In this case, you can expect a power struggle to ensue.

Can you guess what happens next? Well, for the most part, men do not like confrontation and will try at all cost to avoid it. So, when the husband is bombarded with constant criticism from the wife, eventually he will retreat into his "man cave" just to avoid the conflict. Once he retreats into his cave, he stops talking. He shuts down and stops offering his input and ideas.

James Walker, author of Husbands Who Won’t Lead & Wives Who Won’t follow, says that the number 10 represents a healthy marriage, with each partner individually being a 5. When the man retreats and begins contributing less and less, you end up with a marriage that is no longer 5 + 5 = 10, but rather 7 + 3 = 10. I guess you could say that's the formula for a wife led marriage.

The husband of course is the number "3" in the above equation. But surprisingly, he may feel comfortable being a “3” because his own father was a “3”. For him there is no need to fight for control. On the other hand, the husband may choose to remain a "3" simply to keep the peace. In that case, the husband ends up with a shattered ego and the wife ends up frustrated. Frustrated because she’s in a position in which she does not belong.

As a Christian wife, what do you think your responsibility is when it comes to allowing your husband to lead your home? Should your intellect nullify your husband’s position of authority? Should he simply become more domineering? Or is there such a thing as passive leadership? What are your thoughts on having a wife led marriage? What does it say to God? What message does it send to your children? Is it unavoidable if you have a husband who doesn’t appear to be equipped for his role as leader?

What do you think? Do you have a strong personality?

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A Wife Led Marriage

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Wife led Works....more than you think
by: Anonymous

I don't think this is the forum to discuss the validity of the Bible and which parts may be from God and which parts aren't and what has been changed over the years.

I am in a wife led marriage. Let's face it, most men are. Wives are "better" at relationships. Think of all the marriages that are working. The wife leads them. Sure it may be indirectly by promoting or even manipulating her husband but either way, she's the boss.

If both people are happy and it is working for them and the husband is taking care of his wife and kids then surely we should be happy for them.

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I've got depression, too.
by: Anonymous in Southern Illinois

Due to having major depression for over two years, I retired early. My mother dominated my father, so I've never seen how a husband acts as a leader. When the CO of a Navy ship is disabled, he appoints the XO to take over until the Captain recovers. I doubt I'll recover from my disability, so I'm asking my wife to take chargeof our relationship. Best way I've seen to initiate the change in command comes from AroundHerFinger.com, a resource for husbands who need to propose their submission to their wives.

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Response to "How can I get him to take charge?
by: Anonymous

"How can I get him to take charge of the household with out making it sound like he is the weaker of us?"

He's not the weaker one. He merely lacks the confidence to completely lead the household. Without knowing him or the history of your marriage, it's difficult to say why this has occurred.

Try praying for him daily, gently encouraging him, and building up his confidence.

Daily lift up your husband in prayer. Pray that God gives him the courage to walk confidently in his role as priest of his home.

Look for opportunities to build him up and compliment those decisions he does make.

James Walker gives further details on this in his book, Husbands Who Won't Lead and Wives Who Won't Follow. Get it and read it with your husband.

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Wife Led
by: Anonymous

I am currently in a wife led marriage, but not all by choice. I find it hard to have my husband make decisions. He usually just won't and waits for me to, and he also has a hard time managing money sometimes. How can I get him to take charge of the household with out making it sound like he is the weaker of us?

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I think your misunderstanding the concept
by: Anonymous

My relationship is certainly wife lead. I am very happy for it. I am a servant leader in that I provide the strength and security our relationship needs. My love and adoration for my wife does have me hold her to a higher level. Her needs are put before mine. I love doing the housework and cooking and serving her breakfast in bed. If you love shouldn't you give unconditionally. She also give to me but in a different way. Her love and support and even her sometimes demanding nature drives me to be a better husband, but her demands are based on attention not physicle posessions.Money and relationship decisions are of course spoken about and but the end result will always be what is in her and the families best interest. I believe this is a blessed relationship. This is not a relationship based on some kinky fetish

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A wife led Marriage
by: Anonymous

With reference to the lady whos' husband has depression, I'd just like to say that I know a lady who's husband has a brain tumor and is very sick. He has been this way for years so depends on her for everything. His wife goes out to work, she has a good job and is the breadwinner, makes all the decisions in the home, and does everything and faithfully comes home to look after her husband. She is worn out. This lady's husband rarely takes the lead for decisions in his marriage due to his condition. Is the lady who has the husband with the brain tumor biblically correct in what she is doing?

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Wife Led Marriage
by: Anonymous

I can sympathise with you and I feel you are very brave to admitt where you stand in your marriage. Unfortunatley I am in a similar position, except whenever I leave the kids with my husband, without my intervention, they have gone through the afternoon without a drink, or lunch. I have to ask my husband to hug and cuddle our own son. When I have left my husband in charge of social occassions he rarely gaurds/protected me from harsh words, he has a very passive nature, he'll let people say whatever they want about me. I have to lead in prayer all the time. I have to instigate talk-all the time. I organise trips for the family, I am very proactive and strong natured so yes we have power struggles and are constantly conflicting. I feel ashamed. I'd like nothing more than to be the biblical wife and switch roles, this is not what we intended for our lives and marriage.

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My shoes are uncomfortable...
by: Anonymous

Ladies, this is an uncomfortable place for me. Leading my household was never my intention or desire. My husband battles clinical depression and often times things fall to me by default. This leaves me frustrated, exhausted, and discouraged most of the time. But I was reminded that my husband's illness is no different than say a heart condition which leaves one unable to function at normal levels. I had to change my thinking of my husband's condition...meaning, I must take the lead to keep our family moving forward. This also means that I must encourage my husband gently to seek help in treating his depression.

We have lots to celebrate God has sustained us through many storms this year. God has fulfilled his promise to us. My prayer is that one day I will have my champion back...pray with me.