A Wife Led Marriage

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A Wife Led Marriage

by Minister Wanda Collins

A Wife led marriage? Meaning the wife is in complete control and the husband is the helpmeet. This is definitely not the plan of God. As the Bible clearly states that the man is the head of the woman; just a Christ is the head of the church. So then how does this happen in Christian households?

Well, here are just a few thoughts on the matter. First of all, it may have a lot to do with personality types and past familial experiences. The husband may have a passive personality, or is repeating behaviors he witnessed while growing up. If the wife has a strong personality and the husband has more of a passive personality, this can easily lead to a reversal of roles. Also, a wife may feel that she is intellectually superior to her husband and therefore better equipped to run the household. In this case, you can expect a power struggle to ensue.

Can you guess what happens next? Well, for the most part, men do not like confrontation and will try at all cost to avoid it. So, when the husband is bombarded with constant criticism from the wife, eventually he will retreat into his "man cave" just to avoid the conflict. Once he retreats into his cave, he stops talking. He shuts down and stops offering his input and ideas.

James Walker, author of Husbands Who Won’t Lead & Wives Who Won’t follow, says that the number 10 represents a healthy marriage, with each partner individually being a 5. When the man retreats and begins contributing less and less, you end up with a marriage that is no longer 5 + 5 = 10, but rather 7 + 3 = 10. I guess you could say that's the formula for a wife led marriage.

The husband of course is the number "3" in the above equation. But surprisingly, he may feel comfortable being a “3” because his own father was a “3”. For him there is no need to fight for control. On the other hand, the husband may choose to remain a "3" simply to keep the peace. In that case, the husband ends up with a shattered ego and the wife ends up frustrated. Frustrated because she’s in a position in which she does not belong.

As a Christian wife, what do you think your responsibility is when it comes to allowing your husband to lead your home? Should your intellect nullify your husband’s position of authority? Should he simply become more domineering? Or is there such a thing as passive leadership? What are your thoughts on having a wife led marriage? What does it say to God? What message does it send to your children? Is it unavoidable if you have a husband who doesn’t appear to be equipped for his role as leader?

What do you think? Do you have a strong personality?

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A Wife Led Marriage

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God led marriage
by: Dan

Wife led marriage? No, a God led marriage. Regardless of the roles and responsibilities that the man or the woman satisfy in a marriage, the marriage must be led by God. He has set an order for our marriages that we need to adhere to, and if a wife is able to provide leadership in some areas that her husband is/does not, that in no way nullifies or diminishes her husband's role, rather she is freeing him to do more in another area. Now, if he does not choose to exercise that freedom in a responsible and productive manner, then that is to his own detriment, as well as that of his marriage/family. The man and the woman both have obligations to their marriage that they need to figure out how to best manage for their marriage. A Proverbs 31 woman is resourceful and capable and does what she can to improve her marriage, not to take it over or bring shame to her husband.

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Equal?
by: Follower of Christ

Wow, Christian homes where men follow and their wives lead, despite what God wants and tells us to do? Hmmm, Men and women equal? In what way, please? They are complete opposites in every way. How would you measure to completely different up to equal? Is that not just soothing your worldly need to NOT have to lead as a man or follow as a woman as God said to do? One is male, the other female. One made to be a mother, the other a father. One muscular and made to work, the other uniquely designed to be a care giver. Sure we can all do things beyond our basic design, but look in a mirror and then read your Bible again. Men and women compliment each other by being completely unequal. If you choose to NOT obey God, OK then, you chose a worldly path, don't disguise it. But there is no room to improve God's model. Go on and try, but remember what God made you to be and do when things go terribly wrong, as darkness has designed it to. God will always welcome you back to an obedient walk... as long Christ hasn't returned yet.

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A Wife Led Marriage
by: Anonymous

It is clear that men and women are equal. However the husband's role is head of the house and that is what he should be encouraged in. The wife is responsible for the running of the home which is something different and should be subject to his leadership but it doesn't really work if he is not subject to Christ. If the wives are acting head of the house because of a husband's weakness or infirmity this should never be accepted as the ultimate goal if we want God's best. Being subject to him may well encourage him to lead. If that is God's order then one can be sure that God will provide strength as we look to Him.

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IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
by: Anonymous

We have been in a wife led marriage for almost one year. What a wonderful blessing! We are both strong Christian believers and have been married for 33 years. Before we began our wife led marriage most of our married life was filled with heart ache and strife. It is much different now, thank God! I love my wife now more than ever before. We are much closer now and much more intimate. I pray for her much more than ever. I enjoy her company and love to do things that please her. I now value her opinions and decision making. It's a wonderful life and it gets better every day. Thank God!!

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Wife Led Marriage
by: Anonymous

As a christian I grow stronger and stronger to the point where I can take up my role of leading this marriage. It wasn't always like this as I had a strong passive tendency to please a dominator. I believe this was lack of confidence and an orphan background. Knowing the order is scripture is a tremendous help and we are able to change and shake of this passiveness which is really spiritual laziness in disguise to my mind.

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It really isn't about dominance
by: Anonymous

From what I can glean this way of life isn't about dominance or getting your husband to do all the work you need them too. Women by nature, nurture. We give in order to elevate those around us, making everyone happy, as a means to feel satisfaction that everyone's life is easier because of our efforts. Taking on all tasks associated with our role as wife and mother usually ends up disengaging our husbands from their rightful role as helpmate in the family. FLR give women the opportunity to run their household as they always have but with the understanding that their beloved spouse is their to support and elevate their role. Deference to your wife is not contrary to a loving faith filled relationship but integral. If a man loves his wife to the point of wanting to please her and do things to make her life easier, how can this be counter-intuitive to a loving,faith-filled relationship?

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Benefit's
by: nancy

My husband is turned on by this and he loves it. The benefits are great and I only have sex when I want it. Sometimes denial is good.. 28 yrs now and counting

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My marriage story
by: Anonymous

I spent the first 16 years trying to lead our family and having my leadership undermined by my wife who would just do whatever she wanted irrespective of my leadership.

For example, she would organize the social events and visits to friends even though I tried to arrange for us to have time at home. She would just have some excuse or other why we just had to go to so and so's. She fills the kitchen cupboards and fridge with so much stuff and there is no logic (I can see to it) and only she can then operate in the kitchen. If I tried to suggest that she buy less then she would tell me that it was on special. So one week we will have 20 tubs of yogurt.

Eventually I just gave up and said now you are in charge. When we are late for church, I just sit there and wait for her. No longer try to get her to hurry up. When she asks me to cook, I just go to the shop and buy everything I need and then after I throw the leftovers out because the fridge is already over full.

That is I am afraid my female lead relationship.

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A Wife Led Marriage
by: Anonymous

As a husband I used to have passive tendencies that could have gotten hold of me. These turned out to be only sexual and I do actually lead my marriage and my wife submits to that.

I am not perfect and of course she has input. The order is inescapable for me in the scriptures. I don't understand the sexual area as that is as strong as ever, but my wife is comfortable with that as it only happens in foreplay.

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Born like this actually
by: Anonymous

Hi- I am glad I found this article. I am almost 30 and am very attracted to the idea of having a wife le marriage, and have felt this way towards women since I can remember. But here is the thing- I am very intelligent (or so I am told) my s.a.t. Scores were high, I was accepted to every college on my list (with scholarships) I made deans list and graduated with honors. I purchased a home successfully at 23 and have been making plenty of money since I entered the job market. Then why am I so attracted to giving up all my power? This ha been horrible- I lead excellently, I am not passive. But this desire burns inside. It feels more like an issue of the flesh than some inadequacy of talent or brains that insists on me being with a woman who can give me that 70%. Why actually EVERY woman I have ever dated has relied heavily on me for either much financial, emotional, or spiritual guidance. Even to the point where I am being that 70%. I am comfortable repressing this desire til death if the bible clearly states that it is purely of evil, but at current, this is what I am trying to figure out. Any input, opinion or references to scripture regarding all of this would be greatly appreciated.

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Peter and Paul obeyed the law
by: authority regarded

Min Wanda I deeply respect your postion but would like to debate your statement a bit with Christian respect.

I do believe its Gods "design" for a man to be the leader but I dont believe its Gods "law" for a man to be leader. The new testement with Peter and Paul charging women to submit also challenged slaves to do the same. But I dont believe that its Gods law that we must have slavery?

I believe that "authority in local governement" is the key here in that Christ deeply regarded authority and so did every author of the new testiment. Render unto Ceasar what is Ceasars but taxes is not a law for us to follow unless our governement requires it.

If a normal average christian male had an accident on his job and it caused him to lose his capacity to mentally lead and the family was in jeopardy to sink into poverty because of his inability to lead, should the wife step forward to save the family? If you agree that she should then understand that millions of men out here are terrible leaders and many times are not capable of sound leadership because they only understand how to follow. I know many women who are AMAZING leaders and thus its not against Gods law for them to lead. Especially in a land where the supream law of the land provides a level playing field for both genders where that was not available during time of the new testement. Roman and Jewish law reduced women to servants. But Paul and Peter respected the law.

deeply respect your position but dissagree

god bless

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Sub husband and loves it
by: Happy churchgoers

Christ the footwasher was the ultimate servant, to the point of death. A humble man is more of a leader than the typical man who lords it over his family and wife and demands obedience in his dimwitted view of the "submissive wife" scripture. Christ in that scripture has a great role, only narrow minded people or ignorant people choose to quit reading at the "submissive wife" part. My wife controls our finances and our sex life which makes me want her more. And she doesn't lord over me with that. When two become one I find myself becoming more her every day. I like shopping with her, doing wife things. I like her friends, but only as she would. I do a substantial amount of chores. Men are seen as sexy by their wives if they do some of the household chores. I'm proud to be so intertwined with her as to be her as she leads. I've grown to understand her better than I could have ever imagined.

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Re: It's a good thing
by: Min. Wanda

Christian Marriage is suppose to be a replica of the relationship that Christ has with the church. Which is why Paul instructs husbands in Ephesians to love their wives as Christ loved the church. No where in the Bible does Christ ever discipline us (the church) using physical force if we fail to do as instructed. Therefore, I can not agree with the post below. Just because something is "working for you" does not mean that it is pleasing to God. All things must be lined up with God's Word and character. If what we do and say contradicts either, then simply put, what we are doing is NOT pleasing to the Lord.

Regarding the man being the head of the household, God set up this order from the beginning in the Garden with Adam and Eve. Which is why God called for Adam when Eve ate the forbidden fruit. He didn't say "Eve, where are you?". He said, "Adam, where are you?" Why? Because God placed the man as the head of the family. Does that mean the man is suppose to rule with an iron fist and that the woman has no voice? No, it doesn't. But that is what many of us think. It's actually the contrary, husbands are to be "servant-leaders" just as Christ was and wives are to honor their husbands. In this arrangement, husbands and wives are submitting one to the other, which again is what the Word teaches us to do. That is, submit one to another.

The fact that we live in modern times does not make the Word of God null and void. Further, the fact that the wife has a dominating personality does not void the order that God established from the beginning. The Word of God must be the authority in our lives and in our homes concerning ALL matters.

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It's a good thing
by: Anonymous

We've been married for 11 years, the last 6 months definitely Wife-Led at husbands request.

We've never been happier or healthier! His fathering skills have grown and are formidable and impressive.

I act as the "office" or "consequences" for any shortfallings of his. My husband sets his own agenda and goals each week in a formal meeting with me. He then writes them up, and then each Monday he reports on suceesses, failures and progress. It is my role to decide if he needs to be spanked for failing to meet his own targets. It's a non-sexual and formal arrangement, on the bare, with a wooden paddle and he does not find it fun. It is a detterant.

After just a few weeks he became a dreamboat. He freely admits the "threat" of a painful spanking spurs him on during the week to achieve.

This can only be a good thing, and I am certain God is smiling down on us.

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Its about authority stucture not gender
by: authority regarded

If you read the bible in context it also says that slaves must obey their masters. here in the U.S. where I live that is illegal. What would Paul or Peter say today in my country? I believe they would give inspired direction that you are not to have slaves because that is what the supreme law of the land supports which is our constitution.

Paul spoke in compliance of the authority structure that was present. Women were to remain subject and quiet in that culture. Today a woman supported by out constitution can be a president, pastor, business owner and yes the head of the house hold.

I personally do not agree with egalitarian relationships as its a war zone more than not but feel its up to the couple to decide who is the dominant and who is the submissive. Both have benefits and should be a matter of prayer.

I do feel more men prefer to lead and women tend to want a strong leader to follow but there are many exceptions and I am at peace with it and even admire many women leaders.

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WITH LOVE ...AND RESENTMENT
by: Anonymous

I noticed that when I took charge it often caused my husband to take a back seat and it is made me angry because even though I wanted to abdicate the throne I hadn't learn how to do do so in a constructive way. One book by Taffi Dollar blessed me. Now, he is more confident in leading the finances, our prayer life, and our ministry. Finally I can exhale! And rest in God because HE is leading my mate

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Empower women in Christ
by: Victor

There is more to this than meets the eye and women can lead if they agree to that. Because you cannot have it both ways - if he asks her then she is empowered. There may be many reasons, he feels she should -- because she is better at it, he may be practicing servant leadership by empowering her, he feels like his calling is to serve her, he/she feels a call from god on her life. God made women smart, many with all the leadership qualities of men, remember Proverbs 31, is she not very leader like? Please see http://www.aboutFLR.com for more information. I'd love to get a dialogue going on this issue. I could write volumes.

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newly developed wife led marriage
by: Anonymous

My wife and I are strong Christian believers who have been married for 32 years. Most of those first 32 years have been filled with strife and misery. We have recently begun a wife led marriage and we've never been happier. I feel a closeness to her that I've never felt before. For the first time in my life I have begun to submit to her. It has brought about a peace and love that is beyond belief.

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Women who call themselves christians
by: Anonymous

Women tend to want to lead because they are generally more 'uptight' about minor issues and frequently attempts to "right" them while the men usually want to just 'see' how things turn out without lifting a finger.

We have a problem because we know that the husband is the rightful leader of the household according to scripture, but we have a person who is often edgy though meticulous and cannot stand being told what to do.

The solution is this: DON'T marry these women. Yes, even if they call themselves Christians. Because "Not everyone who calls me Lord! Lord! shall enter the Kingdom of heaven". And these women by virtue of their inability to comply with Holy Scripture are themselves witnesses to their disobedience.

Remember what Solomon said "Proverbs 21:19
It is better to dwell in a desert land. than with a contentious and irritable woman." But if you're caught in one, the only solution is to grit your teeth and pray for God to free you soon.

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conflict
by: Anonymous

Gosh, a lot of people here seem to see it as just fine to contradict God's word. I guess that goes along well with the new all-accepting Christian cults out there. I guess you all probably feel only parts of the bible should be seen as true too?

Anyway, I came across this page while looking for resources in my ongoing difficulties dealing with my wife's constant desire to take control in our relationship. She does not have the edge in intellect or any of the rubbish stated here, she was just raised in a matriarchial home with no father or man of any kind. Now she has this innate drive to assert her preferences when they don't agree with mine. We are both Christians, and she uses this by using my sins to her advantage in order to guilt me into doing the things she wants. It causes no end of problems in our relationship. Anyway, good luck to all of you wives who like to lead. Not what God wants, but whatever.

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We are better with Her in charge
by: Anonymous

Early in the marriage, we decided that She should be in charge of our finances as I was doing a bad job. By Her taking over the finances, by default that put Her in charge of almost all household decisions, as She knew exactly where we stood financally. She would ask for my input but She made the decision, and once She made it, that was it. I make the money, but See is in charge of it, including deciding if and how much weekly allowance I am given.

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Wife Led
by: Anonymous

My husband and I's marriage is a wife lead marriage,because he has told me he does not feel smart enough to handle everything. I am forced to where multiple hats. As far as handling the bills, scheduling appointments, keeping the children together, handling his stuff etc. Don't get me wrong he provides financially with myself as a help meet in that area as well. But as far as the one initiating family outings or time together or anything, I am disappointed. Although doing all of this is not a burden, but it can be tiring.

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Wife led Works....more than you think
by: Anonymous

I don't think this is the forum to discuss the validity of the Bible and which parts may be from God and which parts aren't and what has been changed over the years.

I am in a wife led marriage. Let's face it, most men are. Wives are "better" at relationships. Think of all the marriages that are working. The wife leads them. Sure it may be indirectly by promoting or even manipulating her husband but either way, she's the boss.

If both people are happy and it is working for them and the husband is taking care of his wife and kids then surely we should be happy for them.

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I've got depression, too.
by: Anonymous in Southern Illinois

Due to having major depression for over two years, I retired early. My mother dominated my father, so I've never seen how a husband acts as a leader. When the CO of a Navy ship is disabled, he appoints the XO to take over until the Captain recovers. I doubt I'll recover from my disability, so I'm asking my wife to take chargeof our relationship. Best way I've seen to initiate the change in command comes from AroundHerFinger.com, a resource for husbands who need to propose their submission to their wives.

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Response to "How can I get him to take charge?
by: Anonymous

"How can I get him to take charge of the household with out making it sound like he is the weaker of us?"

He's not the weaker one. He merely lacks the confidence to completely lead the household. Without knowing him or the history of your marriage, it's difficult to say why this has occurred.

Try praying for him daily, gently encouraging him, and building up his confidence.

Daily lift up your husband in prayer. Pray that God gives him the courage to walk confidently in his role as priest of his home.

Look for opportunities to build him up and compliment those decisions he does make.

James Walker gives further details on this in his book, Husbands Who Won't Lead and Wives Who Won't Follow. Get it and read it with your husband.

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Wife Led
by: Anonymous

I am currently in a wife led marriage, but not all by choice. I find it hard to have my husband make decisions. He usually just won't and waits for me to, and he also has a hard time managing money sometimes. How can I get him to take charge of the household with out making it sound like he is the weaker of us?

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I think your misunderstanding the concept
by: Anonymous

My relationship is certainly wife lead. I am very happy for it. I am a servant leader in that I provide the strength and security our relationship needs. My love and adoration for my wife does have me hold her to a higher level. Her needs are put before mine. I love doing the housework and cooking and serving her breakfast in bed. If you love shouldn't you give unconditionally. She also give to me but in a different way. Her love and support and even her sometimes demanding nature drives me to be a better husband, but her demands are based on attention not physicle posessions.Money and relationship decisions are of course spoken about and but the end result will always be what is in her and the families best interest. I believe this is a blessed relationship. This is not a relationship based on some kinky fetish

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A wife led Marriage
by: Anonymous

With reference to the lady whos' husband has depression, I'd just like to say that I know a lady who's husband has a brain tumor and is very sick. He has been this way for years so depends on her for everything. His wife goes out to work, she has a good job and is the breadwinner, makes all the decisions in the home, and does everything and faithfully comes home to look after her husband. She is worn out. This lady's husband rarely takes the lead for decisions in his marriage due to his condition. Is the lady who has the husband with the brain tumor biblically correct in what she is doing?

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Wife Led Marriage
by: Anonymous

I can sympathise with you and I feel you are very brave to admitt where you stand in your marriage. Unfortunatley I am in a similar position, except whenever I leave the kids with my husband, without my intervention, they have gone through the afternoon without a drink, or lunch. I have to ask my husband to hug and cuddle our own son. When I have left my husband in charge of social occassions he rarely gaurds/protected me from harsh words, he has a very passive nature, he'll let people say whatever they want about me. I have to lead in prayer all the time. I have to instigate talk-all the time. I organise trips for the family, I am very proactive and strong natured so yes we have power struggles and are constantly conflicting. I feel ashamed. I'd like nothing more than to be the biblical wife and switch roles, this is not what we intended for our lives and marriage.

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My shoes are uncomfortable...
by: Anonymous

Ladies, this is an uncomfortable place for me. Leading my household was never my intention or desire. My husband battles clinical depression and often times things fall to me by default. This leaves me frustrated, exhausted, and discouraged most of the time. But I was reminded that my husband's illness is no different than say a heart condition which leaves one unable to function at normal levels. I had to change my thinking of my husband's condition...meaning, I must take the lead to keep our family moving forward. This also means that I must encourage my husband gently to seek help in treating his depression.

We have lots to celebrate God has sustained us through many storms this year. God has fulfilled his promise to us. My prayer is that one day I will have my champion back...pray with me.

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