An Unhappy Marriage?

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An Unhappy Marriage?

by Linda Miller
(Spring Water, NY)

"An Unhappy Marriage?" was written by my new friend Linda Miller. She has a heart for hurting woman and a gift for telling a story. I guarantee this article will bless you because it blessed me. Remember to leave your comments after reading.

In June, 2010, my husband and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage. Neither of us were Christians when we married in 1980. After I accepted Christ as Savior, my husband and I were unequally yoked from 1982-1989. Since his salvation in 1989, both of us have been walking with the Lord.

Through these years, we have learned to apply five Biblical principles to bring unity to our marriage:

1. value individuality and find your identity in Christ
2. communicate with love and respect
3. move towards deeper marital unity through mutual submission
4. grow up into Christ, your spiritual Head
5. validate each other through one-anothering

Our marriage was not always moving toward unity, however; in fact, we were on the brink of divorce at least three times in our early years. Something needed to change. That something was (gulp) me! And so God used our unequally yoked marriage to bring me to the place of finding my identity in Christ rather than in the perfect Eden I wanted to create in our marriage.

He tore down my idol? the "perfect marriage" as I saw it and moved me to worship Christ. As I yielded to Him, He taught me how to walk by the Spirit: He can teach you too! All He needs is your yielded heart.

As you walk by the Spirit in your difficult marriage:

1. You will not become a doormat, but yet you will not be assertive either; you will instead walk in meekness (power under His perfect control).

2. You will speak with meekness to your husband about important issues that affect your lives... in love... preferring him, after you have prayed for God's continuing love and grace to be poured out through your to your husband.

3. You will never retaliate or keep a record of wrongs?his or yours.

4. You will submit in the small things of your everyday domestic life.

5. You will learn to accept your husband right where he is and validate the things you can appreciate about him.

6. Most importantly, you will trust that God will grow not only your husband but also you through your marriage circumstances.

As you honor your husband in these ways and as the trust continues to build in your relationship because you demonstrate by your words and actions that you are committed to him in covenant relationship, his heart will turn to you. This process may take years.

Throughout these years, you will grow in compassion and grace, mercy and love as you allow God to meet the deep heart needs you hoped your husband would.

Unhappy marriage circumstances may or may not grow your husband; it?s his choice.

Unhappy marriage circumstances can grow you. All God needs is your willing heart.

I pray you choose to view your difficult marriage circumstances not as a burden to be cast off but as a tool to grow you. As you grow up into Christ your Head, your marriage may or may not change; but you will. To God be the glory!

Grow up in all aspects into Him, Who is the head, even Christ. ~Ephesians 4:15

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My heart's desire is to be used by God to help women discover what binds them so they can be released to love. Three tools for growth include marriage, parenting, and homeschooling.

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An Unhappy Marriage?

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ABSENT WIFE FRUSTRATING ME
by: Anonymous

I just hope I can know what is right in my situation. My wife has now been away for 15 months. I am sad when I realize we will be going into the festive season for the second time as separated. She will have kids for Christmas for 2 weeks, I will have them for New year for two weeks. Kids still stay with me but her new lawyers said they were going to challenge the interim custody recommendation that favored me. They cannot give any compelling reasons to alter the ruling, kids are doing fine, yes, it is normal, they also miss their mom. I do not have courage to date, I am too consumed with trying to make my kids happy. They are now 8 & 9yrs old. Relatives have suggested suitors but I am not enthusiastic. I am not sure if I still want reconciliation/restoration or just want the divorce to be over, trial date 12 August 2012. How do I wish for reconciliation if the person who had an affair is unrepentant. Why should I ask for forgiveness if she is so arrogant. One moment she tells you where to get off by sms and the next she discusses parenting issues in a civilized and accepted way of doing things.
Is she cursed? Therapists suspect BPD, actually, three of them and also Counselors at the regulatory body for axis 1 & 2 disorders, SADAG. They actually advised me to call it quits permanently as her coming and going is getting worse and not better.

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I relate!
by: Karen

Only in the last 6 months of my (unhappy) marriage (12 years) have I seen that my eyes are to be ON CHRIST, not my husband. I have been so mad at him for not being what "I wanted". I dreamed of having a whole, happy, healthy marriage, ever since I was young and saw the marriage my parents had. I did not want THAT. I painted a picture in my head of what I thought it SHOULD look like. My husband didn't stand a chance. So now we are struggling through the real issues, in marriage counseling and we are deep in it. I am so thankful we are finally here. The Lord will be my portion from now on, regardless of what my marriage looks like or what my husband is doing. It is a slow process, but I have this truth now and it has set me free.

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Reply to: Anonymous Broken Man
by: Min. Wanda

Dear Brother,

I want to encourage you to NEVER lose faith in our Heavenly Father. He said in His word that He would never leave or forsake you, and His words are true. God has not forsaken you. Although, your adversary, Satan, would like you to believe that He has; Don't buy into it. Your wife has already been deceived by the great deceiver-- don't become his second victim.

Yes, we all have free will; you, me, and your wife. But the only person we can control is ourselves. You do not have the power to change your wife's heart. Only God can do that. So pray for her. Prayer does change people and circumstances but it is easy to become discouraged if our prayers are not answered being when and how we want them to be. But as mature Christians, God wants us to trust Him NO MATTER WHAT is going on around us. Even when all hope seems lost-- keep trusting. Not necessarily that your wife will come back to you, but that Romans 8:28 is true, "And we know that all things work together for the good of them who love God and are called according to His purpose."

Pray diligently also for your children. Can God bring your wife back home? He absolutely can. But you must make a firm decision as to whether or not that is even what you want. We have seen God bring couples back together years after getting divorced. So, it is possible but it is not an easy road. It requires persistence, prayer, faith, and patience. Whether or not you choose that road is all up to you. You are free according to the Word of God to divorce because of adultery (Matthew 19:9). What you decide to do is up to you. But make your decision prayerfully.

Pray to God for direction, His answer will be where the "Peace" is. Also, download our free Bible study called Hearing God Speak and see if it helps you. We will be praying for you.

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UNHAPPY MARRIAGE
by: Anonymous

My marriage situation has really tested my faith. I stand, lose hope, ask God to help me to let go etc. My wife has left our home for the 3rd time in a 10yr marriage. Twice leaving for 8 months at a time for reasons unknown to me. Filed for divorce and she asked for a second chance and I did as I am anti divorce. She is been away now for 11 months since I found out she has affair with coworker. I tried to get her repent but she is in denial despite fact I have sms proof from her phone which I transferred to mine. She left me with 2 kids of 7 & 8yrs. I am trying my best and they do well at school. She filed, stopped by insisted she is not coming back and I filed as I cannot have a forever absent wife. I am hurting and asking if God has forsaken me. People will tell you about Free Will. Then why must we be Believers if God cannot help us in making choices. I asked God for a wife before I got married and tried my best for my family. Of course I am not free from blame, I am human but infidelity? At least if she confessed and said behavior xyz was to blame, I would understand. She still blames me for her leaving without addressing infidelity.
I am a broken man. I am losing faith by the day.

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Thanks
by: Anonymous

Thanks Wanda,
That is very helpful and encouraging. I read the article you linked to it is also really good. Thank you for your prayers.

In Christ
Saskia

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Re: Married to a Non Christian
by: Anonymous

Dear married to a non-christian

Don't listen to anyone who tells you to leave your husband. You should not leave your husband because he is a non believer. That is not my opinion, that is what the Bible teaches. Please do not take offense to what I'm about to say, but the Bible also clearly instructs us not to yoke with unbelievers. Because you made a decision to get married anyway, you cannot just walk away because it's difficult. You must now make a decision to do whatever is necessary to build a happy, healthy marriage. Will it be easy? No. But you have to take your eyes off of your husband and put them on Christ instead. Regardless, of what it looks like, Christ can save your husband. May I suggest you read the following page on our website? It's called equally yoked. At the end of that article, it gives Biblical guidance to those who are married to unbelievers.

Praying for you,
Min. Wanda

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married to a non-christian
by: Anonymous

Hello,

I need help. I married a non-Christian man, letting myself believe it would be OK because he seemed so supportive at the time. He was coming to church with me all the time and seemed really supportive at the time. I also slept with him and was so confused. I gave trust to the wrong people in my church and that trust was abused. I left my city to try and work things out but it didn't work. Then I was so upset and confused and hurt and I didn't feel like I could leave the man. I decided to marry him and now one year in he hates coming to church. He won't support me in it. He is a wonderful caring man but I feel like a void has opened up in front of me. It's not what I expected and I feel so guilty for not listening to the people who told me to break up with him. Can God still help me?? I feel so lost. Please help.

Saskia

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Rollercoaster
by: Anonymous

How do you submit to a man that consistently causes you pain and grief? During the first two years of our marriage I took care of our household because He could not keep a job. He was verbally and on occasion physically abusive. I was under so much stress I had to deliver our daughter too soon due to high blood pressure and she inevitably passed away at 2 months. Then I discovered he was cheating on me for almost the entire time he was unemployed and I was pregnant. At my wits end I prayed that God would give me the strength to salvage my marriage. to change my behavior that contributed to our problems (I expressed a lot of anger towards my husband for not holding a steady job) and asked for help in trusting that he was truly sorry for how how treated me. We communicated more respectfully and more frequently and tried to address our issues without blame. At our family's lowest point he stepped up and led us out of our hardship and now is providing for us while I am at home with our 8 month old son. However he recently confessed that during this last pregnancy he cheated on me again and this female may be pregnant with his son. Our relationship changed dramatically after our first two years and I was so grateful but now I'm questioning all those happy times. I feel like a fool especially since I fought hard to soften my dominant personality to be more submissive and encouraging to help him lead our family. my trust, faith and love is shaken to the core and I don't know if I can do this again. The only things helping me from spiraling into depression are our son (who picks up on even the slightest change in my demeanor) and a very dear friend who is helping me to stay with God throughout all of this. I don't know how to move forward and I'm terrified that if I do, It'll happen again. What does God want me to do?

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This is it for me..I guess
by: Anonymous

Sometimes some things seem easier said than done. You go thru, can't communicate without arguing. There is emotional abuse that i have allowed. i've have been put out by him several times. how do you submit to your husband when he is asking you to do things that will cause you to get further in debt than you already are yet he is not helping to provide financially? I get grief when i spend time with any friends of mine. i don't get to hang out with them much but when i do, maybe once or twice a month, its not okay with my husband. he is overly friendly with other women and there have been issues with him and other women. he does not want to talk about any issues. just keep going and put it all behind. if you don't work on the issue, it doesn't go away. the more dirt you push under the rug, the more it will eventually show. i went to counseling for myself to get help. it's been a long time dealing with all this. i've tried to work things out and i'm burnt out and have given till no more to give. i filed for divorce. i'm still in counseling and pray the future will be brighter than my past.

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Doylene, There is no expectation!
by: Anonymous

Doylene,
My heart goes out to you! I have spent the better part of 30 years doing everything possible to make my husband and family happy. If I try hard enough it will make our marriage happy was my philosophy. That didn't work. To make a marriage work there has to be a commitment and respect from both partners! A marriage is built on God's love. If your heart is full of God's love and your partner doesn't understand or share that it makes you totally responsible for it all. That it is a relationship totally unbalanced. Each of us is created in our own unique way. So there are some who can love unconditionally with out the return of uncontionaly love and those of us who need that love in return. What I found recently is that I was putting up with my husband's anger and hurtfulness and he thought it was OK and I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Once I told him I couldn't handle it any more. I couldn't handle the pain any more and I moved out. I was done I couldn't do it any more. I moved away, closer to my family, I found I career that I love, I'm happy. I found myself. I found my self-confidence. I decided I would never let anyone treat me like that again! Once that happened we began to talk. I was truly honest with him for the first time about how his verbal abuse was so hurtful. My self-confidence seemed to intrigue him. I realized that when we got married I spend my life trying to make him happy. That's not how it works. We can't loose ourselves. The scripture that says the two shall become one, doesn't mean we become our husbands, it means we share our lives to become one. We understand each other, share our lives to become one. The thought process that a women is to be a servant to her husband is not what that scripture means. It's about the love of two people. My suggestion to you is find yourself again. The person who you are will shine and he will love you or you will know it's time to move on.

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What is going on?
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been married for almost a year. He is a wonderful and loving man. We're in our early 30's. He has lost his sex drive since shortly after we were married. We are intimate 2, maybe 3 times a month. I'm not trying to say that sex is the most important thing in our relationship, because it's not. I've talked to him about it several times and he doesn't understand why he doesn't want it. I've been very kind about it and we hardly ever argue, about anything. He tells me he loves me all the time, which is great. I don't question that. I need to feel like he is attracted to me and desires me. It's slowly eating at my self esteem. I don't know what to do. We are serving God and he says that he has prayed about it because it bothers him that I'm so frustrated. I don't want to resent him either.

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Unexpted
by: Anonymous

Hi, I am dealing with something that usually men go through with their wives. My husband doesn't desire to be intimate with me as much anymore. We are only in our 20's and have been married for 2 years. He is the type that gets frustrated and stressed a lot. Although he is a christian man, he neglects everything about the marriage bed. He is not a cheater, although he had to be delivered from pornography. Other than that he is so self consious, I can't even touch him. The only time we can be intimate is when he wants to, if I initiate it, I get my heart broken. I have been supportive of him and trying not to bring him down. But everytime I talk to him about it, he shuts down and acts like I never said anything to him. This can be very stressful, we have 1 year old twins and divorce is not even on my list, but I don't feel that same love anymore.

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Not Easy but Possible (Part 1)
by: Linda Miller

Dear Doylene,

Wanda graciously asked me to respond to your comments, and after some prayer, you will find my response in two parts. The first part relates to renewing your mind, and the second part relates to boundary setting.

Part 1.

For transformation to take place in our hearts, we must renew our minds and believe what is true about our relationships and circumstances. The first step is confession (agreeing with God) that something is wrong because we won?t change unless we believe we need to change.

Since I don?t live in your home, Doylene, or know you personally I can only respond to what you have written above. What I see is that your husband has not done everything the Bible expects because the following comments that you made reveal that he is not communicating with you in love and respect: ?When we are alone he talks to me in a sarcastic way. He's nice to everyone else but is often hostel (sic) and angry toward me.? This type of behavior requires boundary setting, which is the next part of my response.

Secondly, since your husband is still communicating without love and respect (please accept this next comment with the grace intended), you have not done everything the Bible expects. As I noted in my article, ?You will speak with meekness to your husband about important issues that affect your lives... in love... preferring him, after you have prayed for God's continuing love and grace to be poured out through your husband.? Again, this is a boundaries issue.

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Not Easy but Possible
by: Linda Miller

Now for part 2.

When setting boundaries, who caused the problem is not as important as who is willing to solve it. It takes that one willing heart?willing to examine herself before the Lord, willing to grow even if the spouse is not.

You commented, ?We hate being together for any period of time.? When you are together, listen to what your husband says. Listen carefully and prayerfully. Ask the Lord to reveal where you can change. God uses even an unsaved husband to speak to a willing wife. I know this from experience :-) Under his sarcasm and hurtful tone may lie some truth the Lord wants you to know about yourself. Your growth is the only thing you can stifle or change, as you submit to Christ your Head and listen with His ears through His Spirit.

However?this is the boundaries part now?your husband?s sarcasm and hurtful tone are actions that require consequences. You will grow as you learn to set boundaries with him. Boundaries will cause pain in his life (and most likely your life as well) but they should not cause injury. In other words, boundaries are not about changing or punishing your mate. Boundaries are about your response to your mate?s action; that IS something you can change. You can read a story about how my husband and I learned to set boundaries in this article: http://www.revived-christian-woman.com/Christian_marriage.html

Part 3

There is so much more to this discussion, but I?ll leave you with these thoughts from the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. The authors relate a story about a couple where the husband is not growing but the wife is.

?Liz has no hidden agenda with Greg, such as ?I?ll change for you if you?ll change for me.? She simply wants to be what God intended her to be, and she believes Greg is a source of good insight into the weaknesses she needs to address. Whether or not Greg ever gets curious about his own growth is irrelevant to her own journey, though she deeply desires and prays for this to happen?The spouse of someone who is growing spiritually should be better off, not worse off.?

I have lived this testimony and can assure you that the journey with the Lord through growing spiritually while learning to set Godly boundaries will bring your marriage either to its end through your husband?s choice (not yours) or grow your marriage in unity. Setting boundaries will turn things up-side-down in your home and heart, but that?s what needs to take place: a turn-around from what is to what can be. You are seeking that change. Let it begin with you.

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Easy To Say
by: Anonymous

I have done everything the Bible expects of me and my husband has also. I've done everything in the article for years. My husband and I love each other but we don't like each other. We hate being together for any period of time. We can manage a meal together but not a trip. He's only nice to me when we are around others and when we are alone he talks to me in a sarcastic way. He's nice to everyone else but is often hostel and angry toward me. I pray for him and our marriage constantly but I'm in poor health and this is making me a lot worse. I think sometimes it's just best to give up. Doylene

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