An Unhappy Marriage?

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An Unhappy Marriage?

by Linda Miller
(Spring Water, NY)

"An Unhappy Marriage?" was written by my new friend Linda Miller, creator of revived-christian-woman.com. She has a heart for hurting woman and a gift for telling a story. I guarantee this article will bless you because it blessed me. Remember to leave your comments after reading.

In June, 2010, my husband and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage. Neither of us were Christians when we married in 1980. After I accepted Christ as Savior, my husband and I were unequally yoked from 1982-1989. Since his salvation in 1989, both of us have been walking with the Lord.

Through these years, we have learned to apply five Biblical principles to bring unity to our marriage:

1. value individuality and find your identity in Christ
2. communicate with love and respect
3. move towards deeper marital unity through mutual submission
4. grow up into Christ, your spiritual Head
5. validate each other through one-anothering

Our marriage was not always moving toward unity, however; in fact, we were on the brink of divorce at least three times in our early years. Something needed to change. That something was (gulp) me! And so God used our unequally yoked marriage to bring me to the place of finding my identity in Christ rather than in the perfect Eden I wanted to create in our marriage.

He tore down my idol? the "perfect marriage" as I saw it and moved me to worship Christ. As I yielded to Him, He taught me how to walk by the Spirit: He can teach you too! All He needs is your yielded heart.

As you walk by the Spirit in your difficult marriage:

1. You will not become a doormat, but yet you will not be assertive either; you will instead walk in meekness (power under His perfect control).

2. You will speak with meekness to your husband about important issues that affect your lives... in love... preferring him, after you have prayed for God's continuing love and grace to be poured out through your to your husband.

3. You will never retaliate or keep a record of wrongs?his or yours.

4. You will submit in the small things of your everyday domestic life.

5. You will learn to accept your husband right where he is and validate the things you can appreciate about him.

6. Most importantly, you will trust that God will grow not only your husband but also you through your marriage circumstances.

As you honor your husband in these ways and as the trust continues to build in your relationship because you demonstrate by your words and actions that you are committed to him in covenant relationship, his heart will turn to you. This process may take years.

Throughout these years, you will grow in compassion and grace, mercy and love as you allow God to meet the deep heart needs you hoped your husband would.

Unhappy marriage circumstances may or may not grow your husband; it?s his choice.

Unhappy marriage circumstances can grow you. All God needs is your willing heart.

I pray you choose to view your difficult marriage circumstances not as a burden to be cast off but as a tool to grow you. As you grow up into Christ your Head, your marriage may or may not change; but you will. To God be the glory!

Grow up in all aspects into Him, Who is the head, even Christ. ~Ephesians 4:15

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My heart's desire is to be used by God to help women discover what binds them so they can be released to love. Three tools for growth include marriage, parenting, and homeschooling. Read more at revived-Christian-woman.com

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An Unhappy Marriage?

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Unexpted
by: Anonymous

Hi, I am dealing with something that usually men go through with their wives. My husband doesn't desire to be intimate with me as much anymore. We are only in our 20's and have been married for 2 years. He is the type that gets frustrated and stressed a lot. Although he is a christian man, he neglects everything about the marriage bed. He is not a cheater, although he had to be delivered from pornography. Other than that he is so self consious, I can't even touch him. The only time we can be intimate is when he wants to, if I initiate it, I get my heart broken. I have been supportive of him and trying not to bring him down. But everytime I talk to him about it, he shuts down and acts like I never said anything to him. This can be very stressful, we have 1 year old twins and divorce is not even on my list, but I don't feel that same love anymore.

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Not Easy but Possible (Part 1)
by: Linda Miller

Dear Doylene,

Wanda graciously asked me to respond to your comments, and after some prayer, you will find my response in two parts. The first part relates to renewing your mind, and the second part relates to boundary setting.

Part 1.

For transformation to take place in our hearts, we must renew our minds and believe what is true about our relationships and circumstances. The first step is confession (agreeing with God) that something is wrong because we won?t change unless we believe we need to change.

Since I don?t live in your home, Doylene, or know you personally I can only respond to what you have written above. What I see is that your husband has not done everything the Bible expects because the following comments that you made reveal that he is not communicating with you in love and respect: ?When we are alone he talks to me in a sarcastic way. He's nice to everyone else but is often hostel (sic) and angry toward me.? This type of behavior requires boundary setting, which is the next part of my response.

Secondly, since your husband is still communicating without love and respect (please accept this next comment with the grace intended), you have not done everything the Bible expects. As I noted in my article, ?You will speak with meekness to your husband about important issues that affect your lives... in love... preferring him, after you have prayed for God's continuing love and grace to be poured out through your husband.? Again, this is a boundaries issue.

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Submitted by: Linda Miller

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Dear Doylene, Wanda graciously asked me to respond to your comments, and after some prayer, you will find my response in two parts. The first part relates to renewing your mind, and the second part relates to boundary setting. Part 1. For transformation to take place in our hearts, we must renew our minds and believe what is true about our relationships and circumstances. The first step is confession (agreeing with God) that something is wrong because we won?t change unless we believe we need to change. Since I don?t live in your home, Doylene, or know you personally I can only respond to what you have written above. What I see is that your husband has not done everything the Bible expects because the following comments that you made reveal that he is not communicating with you in love and respect: ?When we are alone he talks to me in a sarcastic way. He's nice to everyone else but is often hostel (sic) and angry toward me.? This type of behavior requires boundary setting, which is the next part of my response. Secondly, since your husband is still communicating without love and respect (please accept this next comment with the grace intended), you have not done everything the Bible expects. As I noted in my article, ?You will speak with meekness to your husband about important issues that affect your lives... in love... preferring him, after you have prayed for God's continuing love and grace to be poured out through your husband.? Again, this is a boundaries issue.

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Not Easy but Possible
by: Linda Miller

Now for part 2.

When setting boundaries, who caused the problem is not as important as who is willing to solve it. It takes that one willing heart?willing to examine herself before the Lord, willing to grow even if the spouse is not.

You commented, ?We hate being together for any period of time.? When you are together, listen to what your husband says. Listen carefully and prayerfully. Ask the Lord to reveal where you can change. God uses even an unsaved husband to speak to a willing wife. I know this from experience :-) Under his sarcasm and hurtful tone may lie some truth the Lord wants you to know about yourself. Your growth is the only thing you can stifle or change, as you submit to Christ your Head and listen with His ears through His Spirit.

However?this is the boundaries part now?your husband?s sarcasm and hurtful tone are actions that require consequences. You will grow as you learn to set boundaries with him. Boundaries will cause pain in his life (and most likely your life as well) but they should not cause injury. In other words, boundaries are not about changing or punishing your mate. Boundaries are about your response to your mate?s action; that IS something you can change. You can read a story about how my husband and I learned to set boundaries in this article: http://www.revived-christian-woman.com/Christian_marriage.html

Part 3

There is so much more to this discussion, but I?ll leave you with these thoughts from the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. The authors relate a story about a couple where the husband is not growing but the wife is.

?Liz has no hidden agenda with Greg, such as ?I?ll change for you if you?ll change for me.? She simply wants to be what God intended her to be, and she believes Greg is a source of good insight into the weaknesses she needs to address. Whether or not Greg ever gets curious about his own growth is irrelevant to her own journey, though she deeply desires and prays for this to happen?The spouse of someone who is growing spiritually should be better off, not worse off.?

I have lived this testimony and can assure you that the journey with the Lord through growing spiritually while learning to set Godly boundaries will bring your marriage either to its end through your husband?s choice (not yours) or grow your marriage in unity. Setting boundaries will turn things up-side-down in your home and heart, but that?s what needs to take place: a turn-around from what is to what can be. You are seeking that change. Let it begin with you.

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Submitted by: Linda Miller

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Now for part 2. When setting boundaries, who caused the problem is not as important as who is willing to solve it. It takes that one willing heart?willing to examine herself before the Lord, willing to grow even if the spouse is not. You commented, ?We hate being together for any period of time.? When you are together, listen to what your husband says. Listen carefully and prayerfully. Ask the Lord to reveal where you can change. God uses even an unsaved husband to speak to a willing wife. I know this from experience :-) Under his sarcasm and hurtful tone may lie some truth the Lord wants you to know about yourself. Your growth is the only thing you can stifle or change, as you submit to Christ your Head and listen with His ears through His Spirit. However?this is the boundaries part now?your husband?s sarcasm and hurtful tone are actions that require consequences. You will grow as you learn to set boundaries with him. Boundaries will cause pain in his life (and most likely your life as well) but they should not cause injury. In other words, boundaries are not about changing or punishing your mate. Boundaries are about your response to your mate?s action; that IS something you can change. You can read a story about how my husband and I learned to set boundaries in this article: http://www.revived-christian-woman.com/Christian_marriage.html Part 3 There is so much more to this discussion, but I?ll leave you with these thoughts from the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. The authors relate a story about a couple where the husband is not growing but the wife is. ?Liz has no hidden agenda with Greg, such as ?I?ll change for you if you?ll change for me.? She simply wants to be what God intended her to be, and she believes Greg is a source of good insight into the weaknesses she needs to address. Whether or not Greg ever gets curious about his own growth is irrelevant to her own journey, though she deeply desires and prays for this to happen?The spouse of someone who is growing spiritually should be better off, not worse off.? I have lived this testimony and can assure you that the journey with the Lord through growing spiritually while learning to set Godly boundaries will bring your marriage either to its end through your husband?s choice (not yours) or grow your marriage in unity. Setting boundaries will turn things up-side-down in your home and heart, but that?s what needs to take place: a turn-around from what is to what can be. You are seeking that change. Let it begin with you.

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Easy To Say
by: Anonymous

I have done everything the Bible expects of me and my husband has also. I've done everything in the article for years. My husband and I love each other but we don't like each other. We hate being together for any period of time. We can manage a meal together but not a trip. He's only nice to me when we are around others and when we are alone he talks to me in a sarcastic way. He's nice to everyone else but is often hostel and angry toward me. I pray for him and our marriage constantly but I'm in poor health and this is making me a lot worse. I think sometimes it's just best to give up. Doylene