Are You Making Cup Cakes Instead of Making Love?

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Are You Making Cup Cakes Instead of Making Love?

by Julie Sibert
(Omaha, Nebraska)

If you had to choose between nurturing your marriage and nurturing your relationship with your children, which would you choose? Truth is, we never are presented a choice like that. As wives, though, we sometimes behave as if such a choice has been presented? and our loyalty has fallen squarely with our children. Is it any wonder when husbands lament that they feel like "just another child" in their own home?

I'm not trying to be harsh, so hang in there with me. No need to send me hate mail or call me insensitive. I love my kids just as much as I am sure you do. But when kiddos enter the scene, we sometimes allow them to consume our lives? and before long, time with the man you married starts to take a back seat (and not the fun "let's fool around in the back seat.")

No wife wants to admit that she is willing to regularly sacrifice time with her husband, all in the name of being a mom. Sex and alone time with husband? That can wait. Cupcakes for tomorrow's class party? Better stay up late baking those suckers. I'm not saying you should neglect your children (not that having store-bought cupcakes is neglect, but you know what I mean). I'm just saying that the covenant relationship of your marriage deserves -- and needs -- intentional devotion.

Here's the irony to it all -- one of the very best gifts you can give your children is a nurtured marriage. It's GOOD for them to see that you are a wife separate from being a mom. Get playful with your husband. Appropriately express your love and interest in front of your kids -- hold hands, touch, hug, etc. Make a concerted effort to spend time alone with your husband. Yeah, those kiddos may think it's downright selfish of you (which has a ring of irony to it too? them thinking you are the selfish one). The teenagers may even roll their eyes in disgust. But deep down, your children like knowing that mama and daddy are in love. It's some of the best security you can give them.

So, are you making cupcakes when you could be making love? Skip the kitchen and head for the bedroom. There will always be a nearby grocery store ready with some pre-made cupcakes.

I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. That article was from my friend Julie over at
Intimacy in Marriage. Tell us your thoughts...Are you making cupcakes instead of making love? =)

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Are You Making Cup Cakes Instead of Making Love?

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spending more time with one's spouse
by: Anonymous

It's really great spending more time with one's spouse and making the kids know that you too love each other. It makes love in such marriage evergreen and also helps the children grow that way so that later in life they too would find it easy to live like that .

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My view as a man
by: Anonymous

Before we got married, I thought about her a lot and I assume she thought about me too. I would organize activities for us both and so did she. We would write each other letters, send texts (yes even way back then when they cost 50c/text). When We met up for whatever we were doing, we were both dressed nicely. She always wore a dress or a skirt even for activities that were a bit impractical in a skirt like bush walking. Because she knew I liked skirts. Mind you she would wear short bike pants under it for modesty.

She would flirt with me.

It seemed that in her life I was more important than anything else. obviously this was not strictly true. Lectures, exams and family commitments in reality took priority. And for me she was right up there.

We got married and then gradually we got lazy I think.

No longer did she flirt with me.
The embarrassment of wearing a sports skirt was more important than my finding it attractive.
The practicality of flats trumped high heels.

Then she got busy. Well actually we both got busy. Leading Sunday school, helping at youth group, kindy, the kids sporting teams and all of this required evenings to be spent in preparation.

The flirting was gone.
The thinking of the other was gone.
Gone were the invitations to a special night out. Too hard to organize baby sitting. Why bother when it will not lead to anything.
And so I got my fulfillment out of coaching kids teams and so on cheering at their games.

The value of sex went down. before we were married we never had sex. We both saw sex as a valuable gift from God to be kept until marriage. She never went on birth control. We were both very intentional about staying pure in that way.

Initially after we were married we had great sex. It was fun and we did things for each other. But now it is just a duty. She will give me a quickie. There is no foreplay. It is to give me relief. Relief that just reinforces my feelings of inadequacy. As a teen I tried very very had not to masturbate. To me masturbation was the fulfillment of lust and I saw that as sinful. Not that I was perfect but I tried hard and I know that I don't need 'relief'.

Now I am not saying its all her fault. I was as busy as her but I have recognized that and have cut back. I still do some activities with the church, the community and my kids but far less than she. The extra time I have is spent focused on the family. But the sad thing is and it does sadden even depress me is that she never has any time available for me.

I try to make time in her life by making a conscious effort to help out at home. Washing dishes, cleaning the house, helping kids with homework, getting them into bed. Doing prayers and bed time reading with them and all that seems to do is give her time to do more preparation for more things.

Feel my frustration.
Thank you for letting me vent.

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Response to Angel
by: Min. Wanda

Angel, this is both funny and sweet =) I'm so glad you and Michael stuck to your decision and ultimately had a good time. Children have a gift for making us moms feel guilty, don't they? But for some reason their gift doesn't work as well on their dads lol! It was also very sweet and mature of your daughter to later apologize for making such a fuss. I love it!

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Cups or Love
by: Angel W.

This article will surely be of great help to me as I step into the roll as wife. However, I've just recently had to put parts of the advice into practice this past week. I have an 11 year old daughter from a previous marriage. She is extremely used to traveling with Michael and me. This weekend we decided to take a short day trip without any kids. Oh my... my daughter had the worst attitude from us leaving her. I even thought that I was being the mean mom, but I held to our decision. Michael and I enjoyed bicycling around Callaway Gardens, and my daughter enjoyed a visit with her Great Grandmother. Later that day she even called to check on us and apologized for her behavior. Michael and I realized that we needed the time just to ourselves to relax, laugh, and enjoy one another's company.

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