Asking God to work on the heart and mind of my ex husband

Praying for God to heal the heart of my ex husband so that he can open to loving me again. I know he still loves me but he's afraid I will hurt him again. He says he will never love or be emotionally attached to anyone ever again. We were married for 20 years and together for 25. We have a son (23) and a daughter (18). He is very much still an integral part of my life. We talk everyday and he is currently assisting me financially because I am out of work. We are also still very involved and loved by each other's families.

I was unfaithful to him. He says he has forgiven me, but he can't get over it. I can tell whenever we talk that he holds back tears and he is afraid. Both of us have dated some since our divorce (a year ago last week), but we both have a huge void that won't ever be filled by anyone else but each other. I admit I want the void filled. He says he's fine with no emotional attachment and being alone at the end of the day. He says he's "ok" and doesn't "need anyone". But I can tell that he is using coping mechanisms (He is studying for a Masters in Counseling) and has programmed himself to believe that is true.

He admits he's not happy though and "never will be". But he's convinced that I will be ok and I will love again. He's under a lot of pressure at work and with grad school and I just strongly feel that so much of that is because he doesn't have me as a sounding board, partner, help meet that I use to be for him. We had such an incredible partnership! Whenever I do offer to listen or help, he reluctantly accepts, but feels much better when he does. But then he gets fearful again and pulls away.

We had a beautiful marriage for the most part. Never any true conflicts (probably didn't argue when we should have though). Just in the last couple of years, we drifted apart due to financial stresses and other small things that just caused distance between us. That caused both of us to reach out to others. Me in more of a physical way. Him in more of an emotionally way. We took our eyes off of God. We were "churched" but didn't allow Christ to be the center of our lives or to even consult Him in our decision making (from the most simple to the most complex).

I just want my marriage back, my life back, my husband back. I want to be free to love and support him as a wife again. Not just as a friend. We love each other and I don't want fear to cause us to miss out on what God has for us. Everyone in our family, community, church (where we both still attend) are still in disbelief. Even during the time we were separated, we continued to go out with others and people had no idea. But we were just doing what seemed natural I think (as odd as that may sound).

With both of our children out of the house, this was supposed to be the time for us to finally focus on "us", which we often failed to do through out our marriage since we've always had school and children and stressful jobs. We have been together since we were 18 & 19. We made it through so many things and I never thought anything could break our connection. I never understood the concept of truly holding somebody's heart in your hand until after I hurt him and he explained it to me in those words. Now that I know..I will NEVER do anything to hurt his heart again. And if God sees fit to put it back in my hands, I promise I will cherish it, guard it, protect it and honor it with every fiber in my being...I often say that it's not that I didn't realize what I had. I just didn't think I would ever lose it.

I know that our divorce is only as strong as the paper it was written in. Our love is much more. I think he was so shocked when the clerk signed off on the papers in just a few seconds, that he didn't even tell me that it was final or give me my copy of the papers until 2 months later. Our laws make divorce way too easy to obtain now. I pushed for the divorce mainly because we had gone off and on for over a year with him leaving then going to live in our other house (behind my parents home) and not really taking true steps towards reconciliation besides one meeting with our pastor. My anger and frustration lead me to believe that divorce was better than the state of limbo I felt he was putting me in.

The divorce means nothing to me though. What's real is that our hearts have yet to ever be separated from each other. If he still loves me, I don't see why we have to be apart. There is not hurt that God cannot heal and no marriage that He cannot restore. If we disliked each other or couldn't stand to be around each other, I feel I could accept that it wasn't God's will for us to be together. But when there is so much love expressed and felt between two people, I just can't believe that God doesn't want to do something amazing with that.

I just pray that God will heal his heart and help me to do the things to show him that I am worthy of his trust again. And show him that he need not be afraid of or overwhelmed by the challenges that come with looking at what went wrong and working to fix it. I have learned so much about myself through this and this could have (and still can be) and incredible new thing in our lives and a testimony to God's power and the power of love.