Posts by wcollins

My Husband is Sexually Passive

Posted by on Apr 5, 2017 in Sex and Romance | 5 comments

My Husband is Sexually Passive QUESTION: “We were both saved before our marriage. We’ve been married more than 30 years.  Our sex life has been unsatisfying for us both. He never initiates, asks, nor jumps in to ravish, nor does he do foreplay, nor sex talk… With him being so so passive and not doing anything, nothing much happens. He often is too limp to proceed. Or even though I’m not ready, I’ll let him just so he can climax and go to sleep. I have been very clear, that I am interested in making love, but that I need him to make a direct move or pass…not be like a 90 year old man shuffling down the hall with his walker.”   First of all, I applaud you for having the courage to be honest with your husband. Many wives shy away from sharing how they really feel and avoid having hard conversations. Telling your husband that he’s not satisfying you sexually is a hard place to go.  What’s even worse is having to continually have that conversation for years. ((((HUGS GO HERE)))   However, where sexual passivity is concerned, understanding the WHY is paramount in understanding the HOW.  For instance, some men are passive by nature and others are sexually passive because of emotional issues that are the result of things they’ve experienced in their pasts.   Both groups can improve, but they each have separate paths of resolution.  While a husband who is passive by nature may be able to improve over time with lots of coaching and encouragement from his wife, a husband who is sexually passive because of emotional deficiencies will need the help of a professional counselor.     Assuming your husband doesn’t have emotional issues, my suggestion is that you fight for the intimacy that you desire by taking the lead in this situation.  If you settle for a sub-par sex life by allowing him to pleasure himself just so that he can go to sleep quickly, and because you’re tired of having the same conversation, then you end up contributing to the problem.   There’s an old saying that says we teach people how to treat us, and this is true even in marriage.  Our husbands don’t automatically know how to please us sexually, and some men (for a number of reasons) are naturally passive.   As women we think, “He should know what to do without me having to tell him!” I’m guilty of that, but that type of thinking is flawed.  We girls have to do more than just show up with a bag full of expectations.  If a wife is unsatisfied, it’s up to her to not just inform but teach her husband how to satisfy her.  Contrary to what is seen in the movies,  it’s not the sole responsibility of the husband to make sure sex is satisfying.     You’ve been waiting for your husband to change for a long time, and I feel your frustration.  But why not take a different approach?  Take the responsibility from him and make your sexual satisfaction your responsibility.  I know…It doesn’t sound romantic at all, but at the end of the night, all that matters is that you are BOTH satisfied–even if it’s by your own design.   I’ll give you some ideas, but I want to encourage you to begin thinking outside of the traditional box and come up with a plan of action.  Then, work your plan until your plan starts working for you!  That means you can’t give up or give in because your husband’s not getting it.  Stick with...

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Falling Out Of Love? Real Love Never Dies

Posted by on Mar 7, 2017 in Marriage Problems | 1 comment

  Real Love Never Dies   Before getting married, we all dreamed of finding real love.  But what happens when that love starts to fade?   In other words, what do you do when you feel as if you’re falling out of love? When the warm and fuzzies you once had for your spouse turn cold and prickly?   When Michael and I stood at the altar and said our wedding vows, it was one of THE happiest days of my life!  Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before the gloss wore off and I was asking myself, “What in the world have I done?!”   It’s amazing how in just a matter of months I went from being head over heals for my husband to feeling as if I’d made the worst mistake of my life.     But frequent arguments, disrespect, betrayal, and unresolved conflict can do that.  They’re like low-hanging clouds looming over your relationship; they prevent you from seeing things clearly.  That’s exactly where I was.   I was disappointed, disheartened, discouraged, AND regretful!  But unbelievably I didn’t want a divorce. I was determined not to be a two-time divorcee, so I made the decision to press pass my negative emotions, die to myself, and focus on correcting my own faults.   If you’re willing to move beyond your negative feelings, die to yourself, and work on your own issues, then your marriage has a great chance of surviving too. Regardless of what you’re feeling at this moment, real Love can still prevail!   Real love is not controlled by your feelings.  In fact, it’s the other way around–Your feelings should be controlled by your Love.  Love is a daily decision to continue giving of yourself and forgiving regardless of how you feel.     In your own strength you can’t do this, but with God’s help you can.   Remember when Jesus was praying in the Garden of Gethsemene the night that He was betrayed? He prayed and asked the Father to let this cup pass from Him.  Understandably, He wasn’t feeling good about the suffering that He was about to endure.   But Jesus didn’t allow His feelings to guide His choices and neither should you.  He made a decision to die to His feelings and go to the cross anyway.  His prayer ended like this, “Nevertheless, not my will but your will be done.”  That’s real Love!     Just like Jesus pushed passed His feelings for the sake of His bride, and I pushed passed mine for the sake of my marriage, you’ll have to do the same if you want your marriage to move beyond where it is right now.   Your feeling that love has died or that you’ve fallen out of love is just that–a feeling.  Decide today to take control of your feelings and choose Real Love–God’s Love.  Let His Love guide you.          ...

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The Husband’s Heart and His Marriage

Posted by on Feb 23, 2017 in Uncategorized | Comments Off on The Husband’s Heart and His Marriage

The Husband’s Heart and His Marriage Like the helm of a ship, the condition of a husband’s heart is what primarily determines the direction and success of his marriage. If the helm of a ship is damaged then that ship may literally be stuck in the water.  The same thing can happen in a marriage when a husband’s heart is damaged, divided, or overwhelmed by the cares of this world.   Recently I began asking God to search my heart.  It wasn’t long after I prayed that prayer before God showed me scars on my heart that had impaired my ability to build close relationships over the years.  These old wounds had been inflicted upon me, not by my wife, but by friends who had turned their backs on me decades ago when I was a teen in high school.  My high school days are obviously long behind me, but the rejection that I experienced during that vulnerable time had been embedded inside of my heart.     That’s because every experience that we have in life has the ability to either push us closer to God’s perfect will for us or pull us further away. The ability to enlighten us and bring about our deliverance or captivate us and take our hearts captive.   I’m reminded of a conversation that I had a few years ago with a young man who was exposed to pornography by his older cousin when he was just a boy.  As a result of that early experience, he was captivated and has been struggling with a pornography addiction for most of his young adult life.     As husbands who are at the helm in our marriages, it is imperative that we search our hearts, guard our hearts, and stay connected to the Father.  We must always be willing to deal with our “stuff” and pursue God with all of our hearts. Like David, we should have a heart to please God.   That doesn’t mean we have to be perfect. David was far from perfect. He slept with another man’s wife and then arranged for that man to be placed on the front line of a battlefield so that he’d be killed! David’s actions were shocking, but what’s even more shocking is that the Bible still refers to David as a man after God’s own heart.     Let David be a reminder to you that God’s expectation is not that you be a perfect husband but that you diligently seek and follow the One who is perfect. Neither your current circumstances nor your past experiences will disqualify you from being a man after God’s heart, but your unwillingness to deal with the issues in your heart can leave you and your marriage stranded in the water.   So husbands, what are the issues of your heart? How have your past and present life experiences shaped you? What things were you exposed to in your younger years that are now impacting the man and husband that you are today? Are you busy chasing success or busy chasing God? And finally, whatever your issues are, are you willing to deal with YOU?   A husband who is after God’s heart and is willing to consistently deal with his own heart, is a husband who is steering his marriage and his family in the direction of...

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Be Careful How You Influence Your Husband

Posted by on Feb 8, 2017 in Marriage Problems | Comments Off on Be Careful How You Influence Your Husband

Be Careful How You Influence Your Husband At the beginning of this year, I began reading through the Bible.  When I got to the 16th chapter of Genesis, I couldn’t seem to move pass verse 2.  I’ve read this verse countless times over my life, but the thing that spoke to me this time was completely different.     This time as I read that verse, the thing that jumped out at me was the powerful influence that we as wives have over our husbands.   I’m not talking about a woman’s ability to entice a man sexually.  What I’m talking about is deeper than that.   My husband Michael loves me deeply and desires to see me happy.  He also has a great deal of respect for me and values my opinion above everyone else’s.   For those reasons,  when I talk to him about major issues, I have to constantly make sure my heart and motivations are pure so that I don’t steer him in the wrong direction.   Sarai meant well as I’m sure the majority of us Christian wives do, but the bottom line is that Sarai didn’t believe God.  Her unbelief led her to devise a plan that went against what God had spoken to her husband Abram.   Ladies, convincing your husband to do things your way instead of trusting God is never a good idea no matter how you spin it—just ask Eve!  Sarai got what she wanted but she didn’t want what she got, Ishmael!     As we continue our discussion on the heart, we want to encourage Christian wives to really dig deep and search their hearts this week.  Sarai’s heart was impatient and insecure.   What’s in your heart?  The issues in your heart will be the driving force when you talk to your husband.   As a wife, you must be extremely careful how you influence your husband.  When you talk to him, make certain your heart is clean and your motives are pure.  Don’t ask him to do things that go against what God has said in order to satisfy your fears and insecurities.   If your husband is a believer, trust the God in him.  If he tells you that he believes the Holy Spirit is saying this or that to him, it is not your place to challenge him or persuade him differently.  Let your goal each day as a Christian wife be to influence your husband in a Godly way.   Need Marriage...

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Search Me O God: Marital Issues Prt. 2

Posted by on Jan 29, 2017 in Adultery, Marriage Problems | Comments Off on Search Me O God: Marital Issues Prt. 2

Search Me O God: Marriage Issues Prt.2 “Search me  O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life” Psalm 139:23-24.   A heart-shaped box of chocolates is nice, if that’s what you enjoy, but it won’t do much to change the trajectory of your marriage if there are underlying issues.  With that in mind, and Valentine’s Day approaching, we’re continuing our discussion about the heart.  Click here to read part one. We recently made a decision to sell our house. As a result, we now have a growing list of projects to complete.  If you’ve ever sold a house you know that there’s more to it than simply placing a “For Sale” sign in your front yard.  There’s a period of preparation that includes repairing, replacing, and decluttering.  The decluttering phase is usually when you discover just how much stuff you really have.   Some discoveries make you smile and others make you scratch your head.  Like my collection of gift bags! Why in the world did I feel compelled to recycle every gift bag that I’ve received over the past few years? A few bags are okay, but bags stashed under our bed, behind our dresser, and in the tops of our closets was just… well…unnecessary.   The same question can be asked concerning your heart.  Why are you holding onto so much unnecessary stuff? You’ve been stashing things into the crevices of your heart for so long that you’ve forgotten just how much stuff is actually in there.  Worst of all, you’re completely unaware of how it all impacts your attitude and behavior towards your spouse and others. That is why doing regular heart checks to expose and dispose of hidden issues is so vital.  At the suggestion of David, who prayed “Search me O God,” let’s solicit the help of Father today and ask Him to reveal anything in our hearts that is offensive to Him and detrimental to the growth of our marriages this year. Here are just a few examples of issues that could be hiding inside your heart along with their related symptoms:   The Fearful Heart Runs away, refuses to trust God or your spouse, afraid of what the future holds. The Regretful Heart Always thinking “I shouldn’t have gotten married”, or “I should have________.” The Discouraged Heart You feel as if things will never get better; like there’s no hope. The Prideful Heart You’re sarcastic. You seldom accept fault. You do very little self reflection. You blame others, and you criticize your spouse often. The Insecure Heart You’re skeptical, jealous, suspicious, and controlling. The Covetous Heart You’re dissatisfied with what you have and thus you are always comparing and desiring the life, marriage, or possessions of someone else.   Did you find yourself on the list? If so, it’s time to put forth an effort to finally get rid of that stuff. Any one of those issues has the ability to dismantle your marriage if not dealt with. The remedy is to search your heart and then declutter.   But what if you couldn’t relate to anything on the list? If you didn’t find yourself on the above list, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things hiding inside your heart that don’t need to be dealt with. Daily asking God to search your heart and reveal anything that is unpleasing to Him is a habit that all of us as born again believers need to acquire.   Remember, your unresolved heart...

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