Marriage Problems

Falling Out Of Love? Real Love Never Dies

Posted by on Mar 7, 2017 in Marriage Problems | 1 comment

  Real Love Never Dies   Before getting married, we all dreamed of finding real love.  But what happens when that love starts to fade?   In other words, what do you do when you feel as if you’re falling out of love? When the warm and fuzzies you once had for your spouse turn cold and prickly?   When Michael and I stood at the altar and said our wedding vows, it was one of THE happiest days of my life!  Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before the gloss wore off and I was asking myself, “What in the world have I done?!”   It’s amazing how in just a matter of months I went from being head over heals for my husband to feeling as if I’d made the worst mistake of my life.     But frequent arguments, disrespect, betrayal, and unresolved conflict can do that.  They’re like low-hanging clouds looming over your relationship; they prevent you from seeing things clearly.  That’s exactly where I was.   I was disappointed, disheartened, discouraged, AND regretful!  But unbelievably I didn’t want a divorce. I was determined not to be a two-time divorcee, so I made the decision to press pass my negative emotions, die to myself, and focus on correcting my own faults.   If you’re willing to move beyond your negative feelings, die to yourself, and work on your own issues, then your marriage has a great chance of surviving too. Regardless of what you’re feeling at this moment, real Love can still prevail!   Real love is not controlled by your feelings.  In fact, it’s the other way around–Your feelings should be controlled by your Love.  Love is a daily decision to continue giving of yourself and forgiving regardless of how you feel.     In your own strength you can’t do this, but with God’s help you can.   Remember when Jesus was praying in the Garden of Gethsemene the night that He was betrayed? He prayed and asked the Father to let this cup pass from Him.  Understandably, He wasn’t feeling good about the suffering that He was about to endure.   But Jesus didn’t allow His feelings to guide His choices and neither should you.  He made a decision to die to His feelings and go to the cross anyway.  His prayer ended like this, “Nevertheless, not my will but your will be done.”  That’s real Love!     Just like Jesus pushed passed His feelings for the sake of His bride, and I pushed passed mine for the sake of my marriage, you’ll have to do the same if you want your marriage to move beyond where it is right now.   Your feeling that love has died or that you’ve fallen out of love is just that–a feeling.  Decide today to take control of your feelings and choose Real Love–God’s Love.  Let His Love guide you.          ...

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Be Careful How You Influence Your Husband

Posted by on Feb 8, 2017 in Marriage Problems | Comments Off on Be Careful How You Influence Your Husband

Be Careful How You Influence Your Husband At the beginning of this year, I began reading through the Bible.  When I got to the 16th chapter of Genesis, I couldn’t seem to move pass verse 2.  I’ve read this verse countless times over my life, but the thing that spoke to me this time was completely different.     This time as I read that verse, the thing that jumped out at me was the powerful influence that we as wives have over our husbands.   I’m not talking about a woman’s ability to entice a man sexually.  What I’m talking about is deeper than that.   My husband Michael loves me deeply and desires to see me happy.  He also has a great deal of respect for me and values my opinion above everyone else’s.   For those reasons,  when I talk to him about major issues, I have to constantly make sure my heart and motivations are pure so that I don’t steer him in the wrong direction.   Sarai meant well as I’m sure the majority of us Christian wives do, but the bottom line is that Sarai didn’t believe God.  Her unbelief led her to devise a plan that went against what God had spoken to her husband Abram.   Ladies, convincing your husband to do things your way instead of trusting God is never a good idea no matter how you spin it—just ask Eve!  Sarai got what she wanted but she didn’t want what she got, Ishmael!     As we continue our discussion on the heart, we want to encourage Christian wives to really dig deep and search their hearts this week.  Sarai’s heart was impatient and insecure.   What’s in your heart?  The issues in your heart will be the driving force when you talk to your husband.   As a wife, you must be extremely careful how you influence your husband.  When you talk to him, make certain your heart is clean and your motives are pure.  Don’t ask him to do things that go against what God has said in order to satisfy your fears and insecurities.   If your husband is a believer, trust the God in him.  If he tells you that he believes the Holy Spirit is saying this or that to him, it is not your place to challenge him or persuade him differently.  Let your goal each day as a Christian wife be to influence your husband in a Godly way.   Need Marriage...

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Search Me O God: Marital Issues Prt. 2

Posted by on Jan 29, 2017 in Adultery, Marriage Problems | Comments Off on Search Me O God: Marital Issues Prt. 2

Search Me O God: Marriage Issues Prt.2 “Search me  O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life” Psalm 139:23-24.   A heart-shaped box of chocolates is nice, if that’s what you enjoy, but it won’t do much to change the trajectory of your marriage if there are underlying issues.  With that in mind, and Valentine’s Day approaching, we’re continuing our discussion about the heart.  Click here to read part one. We recently made a decision to sell our house. As a result, we now have a growing list of projects to complete.  If you’ve ever sold a house you know that there’s more to it than simply placing a “For Sale” sign in your front yard.  There’s a period of preparation that includes repairing, replacing, and decluttering.  The decluttering phase is usually when you discover just how much stuff you really have.   Some discoveries make you smile and others make you scratch your head.  Like my collection of gift bags! Why in the world did I feel compelled to recycle every gift bag that I’ve received over the past few years? A few bags are okay, but bags stashed under our bed, behind our dresser, and in the tops of our closets was just… well…unnecessary.   The same question can be asked concerning your heart.  Why are you holding onto so much unnecessary stuff? You’ve been stashing things into the crevices of your heart for so long that you’ve forgotten just how much stuff is actually in there.  Worst of all, you’re completely unaware of how it all impacts your attitude and behavior towards your spouse and others. That is why doing regular heart checks to expose and dispose of hidden issues is so vital.  At the suggestion of David, who prayed “Search me O God,” let’s solicit the help of Father today and ask Him to reveal anything in our hearts that is offensive to Him and detrimental to the growth of our marriages this year. Here are just a few examples of issues that could be hiding inside your heart along with their related symptoms:   The Fearful Heart Runs away, refuses to trust God or your spouse, afraid of what the future holds. The Regretful Heart Always thinking “I shouldn’t have gotten married”, or “I should have________.” The Discouraged Heart You feel as if things will never get better; like there’s no hope. The Prideful Heart You’re sarcastic. You seldom accept fault. You do very little self reflection. You blame others, and you criticize your spouse often. The Insecure Heart You’re skeptical, jealous, suspicious, and controlling. The Covetous Heart You’re dissatisfied with what you have and thus you are always comparing and desiring the life, marriage, or possessions of someone else.   Did you find yourself on the list? If so, it’s time to put forth an effort to finally get rid of that stuff. Any one of those issues has the ability to dismantle your marriage if not dealt with. The remedy is to search your heart and then declutter.   But what if you couldn’t relate to anything on the list? If you didn’t find yourself on the above list, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things hiding inside your heart that don’t need to be dealt with. Daily asking God to search your heart and reveal anything that is unpleasing to Him is a habit that all of us as born again believers need to acquire.   Remember, your unresolved heart...

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The Heart of Your Marital Issues

Posted by on Jan 18, 2017 in Marriage Problems | Comments Off on The Heart of Your Marital Issues

The Heart of Your Marital Issues Wondering why your spouse did what they did knowing it would hurt you? We believe the root cause of most marital issues is a heart issue.  Whether it’s adultery, lying, abuse, or constantly criticizing your spouse, most marital issues can be traced to an issue with the person’s heart. So for the next few weeks we’re going to talk extensively about the heart.  Our goal is to impart a Biblical understanding of the heart and how important it is to the future of your marriage. With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, you’re likely seeing heart-shaped items everywhere you look.  Society uses the heart symbol to represent passionate love.  A broken heart represents love lost, while a heart with an arrow piercing through it represents Cupid’s arrow and love found or a wounded heart.   Unwrapping the true meaning of the heart and the life-or-death impact it can have on your marriage will require you to move beyond the superficial, metaphoric images that our society created long ago and dig deeper into the heart of God.   Digging Deeper… In the Bible, the word heart and the word soul are often interchangeable.  They each consist of a persons mind, will, understanding, and emotions.  All of these elements govern your decision making.    In other words, every decision that you’ve ever made has been the result of something you either thought, desired, understood, or felt.  Make sense? Let’s take it a step further.   When you or your spouse makes a decision to be unfaithful, lie, criticize, etc., it is because of toxic thinking, ungodly desires, a lack of understanding (often spiritual), or displaced emotions.  Those are all heart issues.     The more heart issues a person has, the more marital issues they’re going to have.  Now do you see the significant role your heart plays in determining the success or failure of your marriage?  Create in us clean hearts oh God!   For that reason, Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to guard our hearts above everything else!  That means guarding our hearts must become our number one priorities.  When something is guarded it is watched over and protected from outward threats.   There are a plethora of threats in the world, both in and outside of your home, all competing for an opportunity to entice you and influence your choices.  If you don’t guard your heart, you will eventually be dragged far away from the heart of God and found doing and saying things that dishonor Him and put the future of your marriage at risk.   There’s no need to continue asking yourself why your spouse made that choice or even why you made a certain decision, it all goes back to the heart.  If you want to transform your marriage, it starts with a heart examination.  Begin by asking yourself? “What’s in my heart?”  Then, give your heart over to the Master surgeon!   The Heart of Your Marital Issues Prt. 2   Need marriage help? Check out Wanda’s 21-day biblical counseling program:      ...

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If Love is Patient Why Aren’t You?

Posted by on Dec 6, 2016 in Communication, Marriage Problems | Comments Off on If Love is Patient Why Aren’t You?

If Love is Patient Why Aren’t You? 1 Corinthians 13 offers a lengthy description of love.  On a list of more than thirteen adjectives, the very first thing it tells us is that love is patient.   Years ago, my husband Michael confronted me with an ugly truth.  I’ll never forget it.  He said I showed more patience with people that I worked with and attended church with than I did with him. Gulp!   I was usually prepared to defend myself against what I thought were unjustified accusations, but this time was different.  There wasn’t anything I could say because I knew he was right.  Cue the sound of crickets.   Love was patient but I was not–at least not with my husband.   In fact, I was more patient with strangers than I was with him.  I was Mrs. Congeniality all day long, but I immediately became Mrs. Annoyed when I was with him.     Looking back now, I’m grateful Michael had the courage to call me out on my hypocritical behavior.  Confronting me was, in all honesty, the best thing that he could have done for my own personal growth as well as the growth of our marriage.   It caused me to do a self-examination.  In doing so, I uncovered something that I want to share with you.  Perhaps you’ll see yourself in this and make the necessary adjustments as I did all those years ago.   What I discovered was that I had unresolved issues with my husband that I had been hiding.  He didn’t know because I didn’t tell him.  I didn’t tell him because I didn’t know how to tell him at that time.   So rather than communicate with my husband in healthy ways, I buried my true feelings about him and our marriage and tried to be tolerable.   Side Note:  The things that you tolerate in your life will never change.   Furthermore, tolerating anything rather than dealing with it head-on will always leave you feeling frustrated and resentful, which is exactly what happened to me. That is the reason I was short-fused and easily annoyed.     I thought I was being long-suffering.  I thought I was keeping the peace by keeping silent, but I was really being dishonest and deceptive.  And the only person I was fooling was myself.  In this case, silence was not golden.   I eventually decided to go to that hard place and be completely honest with my husband about the way I was feeling.   If you’ve been short-fused and less than patient, maybe it’s because you’ve been stuffing your emotions rather than dealing with them.   If that’s the case, the best thing that you can do for your marriage is to be honest with your spouse about what you’re feeling.  It may be a hard conversation, it was for me, but having hard conversations is a part of being a mature adult; it’s a part of being married.   Remember also that real love rejoices with the truth (1 Cor. 13:6).  Until you’re truthful with your spouse, being patient with him/her will be...

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Addictions in Marriage

Posted by on Nov 10, 2016 in Marriage Problems | 0 comments

  Addictions in Marriage Is it just me or have you also noticed that no matter where you go these days–people are starring into their cell phones?  Whether I stop at a red light and look over at the person in the car stopped beside me, or whether I’m having dinner at a restaurant with my husband, it’s apparent that people are addicted to their mobile devices.  That’s just one reason I wanted to do a post about addictions in marriage.   Don’t panic.  I’m not going to tell you guys to go off the grid or reactivate your flip phones.  Technology is a good thing and for some of us, with certain careers, it’s an absolute necessity.  I get that.  What I do want to remind all of us of is that an addiction to anything is neither good nor godly.   Addictions have a tendency to drag us into false realities and pull us away from real life and God.   Here’s a definition of the word addiction: compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences.   Think about that.  When a person is willing to continuously engage in an activity because they’re getting some type of emotional reward from it, regardless of the damage that it’s doing to them or to their family–That person has a problem.     In the Love Dare, Day 23, it says that addictions in marriage are like parasites,  and that’s so true.   Addictions give you the allusion that they’re giving you something when in reality all they do is take from you.  They steal time, loyalty, and trust from your relationship, which is why addictions in marriage can be fatal.   So the question for you today is simply “What are you addicted to that’s keeping you from connecting more with God and your spouse?” Keep in mind that a person can be addicted to just about anything.  You can be addicted to television, your cell phone, social media, video games, gambling, marijuana (or other drugs), pornography, and the list goes on.   Some of you may be able to answer that question without giving it much thought, while others of you may need time to think or pray about it to get revelation.   But regardless of how the addiction is revealed, you must be willing to acknowledge its presence and accept responsibility for it if you want to be free.   Once you do that, you absolutely must tell your spouse about it.  Depending on what your addiction is, sharing this with your spouse will be more difficult for some of you than it will be for others, but trust me, you and your marriage are worth it.   Always remember that there’s freedom in exposure.  When sin is left unexposed, it grows bigger and can spread to other areas of your life like mold.  My dear brothers and sisters, I believe it’s time for you to walk in the light and be free!   Addictions live off of what’s in your heart, and because only God can fix a man’s heart, you must ask God to examine your heart.  What is that you’re longing for that only the Father can provide?  Ask Him for a deeper revelation of who you are in Him and the depth of His love for you, then apply His perfect love to every area of your life.   And by all means beloved, if you need further assistance, don’t be embarrassed to seek additional help from people that have been trained to deal with addictions.  It’s time to pull the plug on the addictions...

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