Christian Marriage Advice: I Don't Love My Husband

by Lisa
(USA)

Question: My feelings for my husband are not love, not like a wife should love her husband. I'm so frustrated, regretful, and often times angry.

I am a Christian, but I feel like I made a huge mistake in marrying him, he's suppose to be a Christian as well, we have nothing in common but our daughter, I don't want anyone else, just peace.

Answer: First of all, I (Min. Wanda) must tell you that I have been exactly where you are emotionally. There was a time when I felt that I had made a mistake in marrying Michael. We seemed to be from two different worlds in every way imaginable. By the way, he used to feel the same way.

It wasn't until God began to show me "me", and began to work on me that I was able to see that the problems that I perceived and the feelings that I felt were not entirely Michael's fault. I realized that there was nothing wrong with him. He was just different from me and had different ideas etc. We both realized that our differences complimented one another.

This is true in MOST relationships. Where your husband is strong you are weak and where you are weak he is strong. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you. The challenge is to use this to your advantage.

None of us have a perfect husband. But we as women sometimes forget that God gave Eve to Adam to be his helper. So it's your job to help him become the man of God his Heavenly Father desires him to be. How? not by nagging him or putting him down. But by becoming a Godly example. Demonstrate patience, long suffering, understanding, and be encouraging. Not just because he's your husband but because this is what you are required to do as a Christian.

You say you don't love him the way you should as a wife. Well, you probably feel that way because you have a distorted impression of what love is, most people do. Maybe you "fell in love" with certain characteristics your husband displayed, or with how he looks, or with the idea of being married.

The truth is this...God is love and there is no such thing as falling in or out of love. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision. So, if you don't love him the way you should it's because you are choosing not to because he does not fit the image in your mind.

This is what we recommend. The Bible says that we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. So, this means you are going to have to take control of your thoughts and reject the negative thoughts that come into your mind. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. If you don't the devil will continue to have a play day in your mind and emotions.

The Bible says that if you want peace, He (God) will keep you in perfect peace if you keep your mind stayed on Him. So once again it starts in your mind. Stop concentrating on your husband so much...what he isn't...what he doesn't do...what he professes to be...etc. etc. And begin to focus all of your attention on God and your relationship with Him.

Start by developing your prayer life. Daily prayer and reading the Word of God should be a routine. When you pray tell God that you are giving all of your feelings to Him. Tell Him that you don't want to be led by your emotions but by His Spirit. Then ask Him to help you to become what your husband needs.

I know you're probably thinking "what about MY needs?" Well, your needs will be met. God will see to it! If you begin seeking Him and focusing less on what you perceive to be problems.

If the two of you are not active in a good Bible teaching church, we HIGHLY recommend you ask God to lead you to one in your area. Get involved with their Bible studies, couples ministry, women's ministry, and men's ministry.

Also, take advantage of the free resources on our website. Talk to your husband about studying these two lessons with you: What Your Husband Needs, and What Your Wife Needs. These are free to download from our website. Study them together.

You may also want to sign up for the free monthly marriage devotionals we offer. In short, right now is a time when you must literally saturate your mind with God's Word. You must take control over your thoughts and CHOOSE how YOU will feel and what YOU will THINK. Let God's Spirit direct you not your emotions.

Lisa, we have prayed for you and will continue praying. Please let us know if we can do anything else or if you have questions.

In Christ,
Mike and Wanda
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