Christian Marriage Blended Family Question

Question: First of all I want to start by saying that I love My Husband with all my heart. We are having issues because he was married before and has a 7 year old son. We now have a baby boy who is 4 months old and his step son has become very rude towards me lately. So it causes us to fight. Plus his ex wife is always asking for money for everything we already pay double of what he should be paying in child support. But, he gives in and give her money every time. Last year she took him to the eye doctor. and paid over 200.00 for glasses and expected us to pay half then she didn't even make him wear them now she calls my husband yesterday said that she took him back to eye Doctor and he needs new glasses and wants us yet again to pay half she didn't even call him to let him know this before she ordered them. this is causing a lot of issues in our marriage and it upsets me to the point where i get very upset and then he feels like I'm not there for him nor do I care but, that's just not true. I care so much for him and love him so much I would do anything for him but, I don't know where to turn and to get help it so expensive. not that I would spend whatever I have to to save my marriage but you know what I mean. His son said to me last time we had him that he wanted me to take the baby because he wished he wasn't here. That really hurt and I just think about what will happen when our baby is older and understands. that will upset him very much.

Answer: Hi, and thanks for sharing your question. You are correct in your assessment that counseling is definitely needed. Not just "marriage counseling", we recommend highly family counseling.

We understand your frustration with your husband's ex-wife, and even your disappointment over the statements made by your stepson, but there are so many other factors that must be taken into consideration. Factors and issues that can only be dealt with properly in counseling.

For starters you must put yourself in the shoes of your seven year old stepson. Divorce is extremely painful for children. For instance, studies have shown that some children who've experienced divorce still grieve over the divorce in adulthood.

On top of the devastation of his father no longer living with him, your stepson feels that he is now no longer the center of his father's attention because there is now a "new kid" on the block. We know this is likely not true. But whether it's true or not, it is likely the perception of this seven year old child.

Your husband on the other hand, may be over extending himself to the wishes of his ex-wife because of feeling of guilt. This is very common with many fathers after a divorce. They go over and beyond doing anything and everything they can for their children because of guilt.

Another option is that he is merely responding to an agreement he and his former wife had prior to you and him getting married. Which is why it is so critical for couples in blended family situations to discuss all of these dynamics before getting married.

Again, we strongly recommend Family Counseling for you, your husband, and stepson. We understand your concern about the cost of counseling but it's an investment that you can't place a price tag on. After all, you are married for life. And therefore, your stepson and his mother will be a part of your lives for the rest of your lives. So, it really is worth whatever it cost.

Here are the names of a few websites that are geared specifically for blended families. You should be able to find additional help here:

www.successfulstepfamilies.com
www.christiancoparenting.com
www.instepministries.com
www.stepfamilysurvivalguide.com
www.christian-marriage-today.com/blended-family-problems.html

Also, if you guys are not active members of a local ministry. We suggest you ask God to lead you to a good Bible teaching ministry and begin attending as a family.

Be encouraged and know that things will get better. You just need a little guidance on your journey. So, take advantage of the resources we suggested and keep the faith.


Love in Christ,
Mike and Wanda

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