Christian Marriage Question: Husband Won't Support Me Emotionally

Christian Marriage Question:My Husband Won't Support Me Emotionally My husband and I have been married for 12 years. He was previously divorced (for many years when we met) and I had been widowed with two small sons to raise at that time.

At first everything went smoothly and he was supportive. He is quiet and non-confrontational so I don't expect (nor do I want) him to publicly confront someone who offends me. All I want from him is recognition privately once we are alone together that I was treated unfairly and that I didn't deserve such treatment. He is unable for the past 5 years to do this when it involves a member of his family, but will support me if the offender is a colleague or a member of my family. Initially, he would say things like "I'm going to speak to my father about saying that to you" and he did follow through even though I did not want him to confront his father. ALL I need is a few kind words from my husband; rude and thoughtless remarks from others are hurtful but the real heartache comes in when I tell him about it privately--"I was hurt when your ____________(mother/father/brother) said such and such" and he gets defensive or trivializes my feelings.

Yesterday, we had a very calm, quiet discussion (as we have had many times before) about why this keeps happening. He can't explain why he does this.

I have suggested that he has never made the proper transference of loyalty from his family (the one he was born into) to his new family (Me, his wife, and our sons/his stepsons). My in-laws are a "blood is thicker" bunch to the point where they exclude and put down others. It is very clear (Has been expressed in no uncertain terms) that the daughters and sons in law are second class while my husband and his siblings are "perfect." I have explained to my husband that I don't want him to stop loving or seeing his family, but that the only way our marriage will work is for him to put me first. Our two sons are now grown, so there needs are different now.

I know he loves me but I think there is some conflict in supporting me against his family even when this is support that only he and I will witness in the privacy of our own home. Please help us understand why he's doing this as he says he doesn't want to let me down.

Answer: Without talking to your husband and finding out his experiences growing up, we cannot give you an absolute answer as to why he behaves the way he does. Psychologically speaking, a family can become dysfunctional if family members become enmeshed. That basically means too closely connected or involved with each other’s lives. As far as him acknowledging your hurt privately, it may just be that by the time you guys arrive back home your husband has moved past the incident. Men and woman are different like that. A woman does not find peace until she can discuss it, and discuss it, and discuss it, no matter how long ago it happened. Men, on the other hand, forget about it within the hour.
So, don’t take offense. Instead, help him out by actually telling him what you want him to say after the fact. Sounds childish, but if he doesn’t know what to say, it’s less likely that he’ll say it.

Now, let’s turn our attention to you for just a moment. Regarding your husband defending you publicly, you said you don’t want him to defend you publicly. Well, our question is, why not? What were your familial experiences like growing up? Did your dad not defend your mom? Why do you think that’s acceptable? We believe a husband should defend his wife publicly. As you know, men and women have different needs. Well, one basic need of a woman is to feel protected. When a husband fails to defend his wife, it undermines that basic need and can cause insecurity, lack of trust, and resentment on her part. We believe the two of you should begin praying about this together because while you’ve accepted the fact that he won’t defend you publicly, it really is not okay. If the two of you have not studied the free lessons on our website called, “What Your Wife Needs, and What Your Husband Needs,” we suggest you start there.

After studying the Bible studies, we suggest the two of you have a meeting with his family and discuss the problem openly. Yes, we know the thought of this probably makes you cringe. Unfortunately, when it comes to facing those whom we have offended or those who have offended us, most of us run in the opposite direction. There’s no question about it, it does take a lot of courage. But it’s the quickest way to get to the root of a problem and change a dysfunctional situation.

After meeting with his family, here’s a suggestion that might help your husband defend you publically, in case their behavior persist. Remember, earlier we said, “If he doesn’t know what to say, it’s less likely that he’ll say it”? When I, Wanda, was a real estate agent, I practiced responses to every possible objection a person could have to purchasing one of my homes. What was the benefit? Well, when customers came to my subdivision to look at homes, I was armed with pre-scripted responses to every objection they had to buying a house. Having said that, sit down with your husband and discuss the ways in which his family typically insults or hurts your feelings. Once you have a list of their behaviors, create a response for each one. The responses should not be angry or hurtful. Remember, be Christ-like. Also, make sure each response is something that both of you are comfortable with. It is important that both of you are comfortable with the responses because otherwise, the problem will persist after the situation subsides.

Prayerfully, this helps in some small way.


Blessings on You Both,
Mike and Wanda

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