Christian Marriage Reconciliation Question

by W
(Manila)

Christian Marriage Reconciliation Question My husband and I have separated for a while, but now he's back home with me and our kids. But I noticed that he's had mood swings every now and then. we're a Christian family but I think he backslid beginning last year. He just refuses to attend, read the bible and pray with me. We separated because I found out about his affair. Now that he's back home,it feels awkward most of the time. I don't know if he's avoiding me,but we used to sleep close together at night,we wouldn't go to sleep without hugging and kissing each other goodnight. But now I realized he'd deliberately move far to the other side of the bed,fold his arms and doze off without even kissing me. When we go out with the children,he'd walk with just one of them ahead of me.I'm confused because sometimes he'd still make love to me. I don't know if he still loves me.He admitted to his affair and said sorry already.But with his behavior right now, it's hard to tell if he is really sorry.He still wouldn't tell me he loves me.I asked him if he loved his mistress,he said no.Never loved her and he had already broken up with her. I don't know what to do anymore.I find myself avoiding him all together so as not to aggravate the situation. I am happy that he's finally home,but also sad that even thought he's physically with me,I can't feel the kind of love a husband should have for his wife. I try to be kind and never bring up the "issues" anymore. I simply don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I just want to feel loved.

Answer: Thank you for visiting Christian Marriage Today. We are sorry to hear about your marriage problem and will try to give you the best answer possible. It is awesome that your husband decided to come back home, but the way he came home was not good. You allowed him to come home without dealing with the issues. The two of you should have had an in depth conversation before he was allowed to come back home. Furthermore, marital counseling during your time of separation should have been a requirement. Long story short, you should have given him an opportunity to prove his commitment to the marriage. As it appears now, it seems that him coming back home had nothing to do with his commitment to you or the marriage. Yeah, he said he was sorry but he can't even say the words "I love you." That does not sound like a person who is in love or apologetic.

Okay, so now what do you do? The first thing you've got to do is shake off fear. Fear is keeping you from opening up and talking to your husband. Perhaps you are afraid of what he might say. Perhaps you are afraid of what he might do. But if you want to get the root of the problem, you can't be controlled by fear. Simply put, you've got to talk -- about EVERYTHING. Ask him why he came back? Did he come back because he's committed to you and the marriage. Or, did he come back because he had no place else to go? If he says he's committed to you and the marriage, then his actions need to line up with his words.

At this point, counseling should not be an option, it should be mandatory. In other words, the two of you MUST commit to getting help. How do you convince him to do that now? We don't have the answer to that question. We suggest you begin praying and asking God to give you the words to say to your husband. If you ask Him in faith, He will give you an answer.

So, to recap. The bottom line is, you MUST talk to your husband. Not only must you talk to him, you've got to find out what his intentions/motivations are, and the two of you MUST get counseling. If you continue to cover up the issues and walk around in silence, your marriage will only get worse. Let go of fear and trust God.


With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda

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