Dealing with a child from his last marriage

by Nikki
(Oveland Park, KS)

Question: Dealing with a child from his last marriage. I really need some help. I've been struggling with my soon to be husband and his 16 year old daughter. I have a 19 year old daughter myself; however, I have my child under control. His daughter is so disrespectful my daughter felt the need to call her up one day to let her have it. This girl leaves with her mother and her mother isn't any better. The mother tells her she doesn't have to respect me. Me and my soon to be husband have talked about it. He says he is talking to her, I haven?t seen a change for the better yet things are only getting worse. I'm really trying to keep flesh out of this because I know how bad this thing can get if I handled it. I've tried to let him take care of it but he isn't doing a good job as far as I see. The last thing he talked to the girl about is calling his house and not saying hello when I answer the phone. She told him you need to keep your cell on then. That was two weeks ago and she hasn't called his house since. This is just one of the things she has done, and he continues to be there for her beckoning call. Maybe I'm crazy if my daughter acted the way she does with him she would be on her own or have her mother do it.

Really trying to keep flesh in check. Thanks

Answer: Nikki, we commend you for trying to handle this the Christian way and not reacting out of flesh. It is obvious that both his daughter and ex-wife are still hurting from the divorce. But the bottom line is this, the way your future husband handles or fails to handle the situation with his daughter can become a MAJOR point of contention in your marriage later. Furthermore, both you and he must realize that his daughter is not going to change her behavior until there are repercussions attached. But like many men who are "weekend fathers", they don't disciple their children as they should because they feel guilty and are fearful of distancing their child/ren any further.

This may sound harsh, but we suggest the two of you delay getting married until this situation is under control. If your husband does not know how to set boundaries and enforce repercussions, then we recommend all of you go to counseling, e.g. family counseling. Not getting married until this is resolved may sound harsh but because we are a blended family, we know the stress it can place on a marriage. Disagreements surrounding our children were the source of probably 50% of our arguments. With each day, we grew more bitter and resentful of each other for how we handled or mishandled the children. Hopefully, you will seriously consider our advice -- waiting to get married. We will be praying for you. Thank you for visiting Christian Marriage Today.


With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda