Divorce and Children

My oldest son who was five-years-old at the time had a difficult time with it initially. His father and I did not have an amicable separation so there was always fighting, both in and out of court for one reason or another.

My oldest son became very angry and as a result he began acting out in school. Fortunately, I had already advised his teachers about the changes taking place at home. It was a very rough time for him but prayer, patience, and love eventually turned things around.

My oldest son who is now twenty-one years old just recently shared with me that during his weekend visits with his dad, his father would tell him horrible things about me. I couldn't believe he had held that in for so many years. Furthermore, I couldn't believe my ex-husband would do such a damaging thing to his own son in an effort to hurt me.

But unfortunately, as much as we try to protect our children from the pain of life, some things are just out of our control. Today, my boys are well-adjusted, well-mannered, young men that love the Lord.

How divorce affects children varies from child to child and depends on a variety of things. Here are three things that I think contribute to the affects divorce has on a child:

Communication: If the parents are not communicating with the child about the divorce, then you can expect the child to feel confused and alone. Because children tend to internalize things, he may even blame himself for the break-up. Not only is it important for the parents to talk to the child, it is equally as important that the child be allowed to openly express his feelings without fear of being punished.

I also recommend you seek professional help for your child during this period. Your medical insurance through your employer should cover this.

Spirituality: One of the benefits you have as a Christian is the fact that you have a Savior you can go to when life beats you down. Your relationship with Christ gives you the hope and strength you need on a daily basis. If that spiritual foundation is not in place, then where would you go for strength? And if you have no hope, and no strength, then how can you encourage and strengthen your hurting child? The answer is, you can't.

Emotional Stability: As painful and disruptive as divorce is, it is imperative that your child not be exposed to your emotional melt downs. The fighting, yelling, and crying should be reserved for when your child is not present. If you need to vent, vent to someone your own age, don't unload your emotions on your child. They are simply not equipped to process this appropriately.