Do I proceed with this relationship?
by Adam
(PA)
Question: Okay, so we're not planning to get married yet but I am in a semi-long term relationship with a girl. We were introduced to each other about 8 months ago. I was told by one of her friends that she was interested in me, a faithful good wife-type and she is a knockout so I pursued her and she said yes. Both of us seem to be nearing the end of the party faze and I in particular have really had a strong desire to try to start living a more Godly lifestyle...her I can't speak for as much although she has said that she thinks that abstaining from sex is a good idea but doesn't seem willing to take that plunge. Also, we were sort of in a party situation when we first met and we did have sex early on in the relationship. I could tell by things that she said early on that this was not something that she opposed to but now she said that it's something she considers to be very special etc. Although something inside of me tells me that if we were to break up, she could possibly fall into a bad relationship with someone that isn't good for her.
Her mother abandoned her family when she was 7 (now she's a second grade teacher) and her father remarried a witch when she was 15 and took his attention off of her then. Her step-mother would yell and scream at her. At that point, she got into a relationship with a guy for the entire length of high school and then into college. In college, she found a new boyfriend who she stuck with throughout college. They broke up after college and she had what seems to be a handful of other relationships that didn't amount to much. She says that she loves me and feels like I am the best thing that ever happened to her. I'm still learning about her and still not sure what I think. On one hand, she can blow me away with humor, can be extremely comforting and we have a good time together. She goes to church and reads the bible and is very close with the remaining family that she still communicates with. On the other hand, sometimes she seems distant, uninterested and behaves like she's an airhead (forgetting things, not seeming to understand simple concepts, talking like a child...although she is a second grade teacher) but this only happens on certain occasions. She also has a tendency to say the right things in sort of the wrong way...just flipping the words around can change everything. EX. talking to grandparents "when I woke up this morning at his house" vs "I was at Adams house this morning" sounds a whole lot different to grandparents! She is also sweet and caring yet at the same time very insecure about her body weight etc. (even though she looks like a Ms. America contestant). She seems willing to want to work with little problems that we have (I have my own issues too unfortunately) and is the type to want to work to improve our relationship. She also is very emotional and I've sometimes questioned whether or not she is really upset or just acts that way to get a reaction out of me. One time I mentioned to her that she seemed distant, expecting her to say, "oh I was just thinking about work" or whatever, she really got upset about this...genuinely upset...to the point where she went and spoke to a psychiatrist about why she appears to be distant or unhappy. I also found a bottle of anti-depressants at her house dated back to about the time when we had this "meaningless" conversation. I feel terrible for hurting her. I do love her but I clearly have some reservations about the 2 of us in a relationship. Sometimes I feel like there might be a guy out there that wouldn't even notice these "little" things about her and that maybe I over scrutinize her to much and maybe she and this "other guy" might do a lot better than us. Not to sound like a stereo-typical 16 year old girl dating a 21 year old that's in jail, but I feel like there is enough good in her, enough fight to do the right thing that if I also do the right things, we can overcome this and have a great relationship.
Also, this past weekend she semi-publicly confided some stuff about our relationship to one of my guy friends that everyone knows has a big mouth. He mentioned that he was concerned about me being stressed at work etc and she took this as a sign of genuine concern (instead of him likely telling us that he's better than me) and walked up to him and told him a bunch of things that concerned her about me- basically letting this other guy know that we had problems etc. Of course I thought this was totally the wrong thing to do and we argued about it- pretty bad actually. She eventually agreed that it was the wrong thing to do but in my opinion, she should have known better than to do that and now I have to worry about what sorts of embarrassing situations she might get me into next due to...lack of judgment or common sense? I'm not sure. Or maybe she's starting to feel desperate in our relationship and maybe picked the wrong set of ears to talk to. I don't know. I also have concerns that she has a difficult time saying no to anyone or rejecting someone. I could see a guy approaching her and her being to nice to assertively let him know that she's taken and give the idea that she's interested. She's not flirty, she just can't tell anyone "no". Co workers, family, whomever. She once walked out on me at the beginning of a movie to help her grandfather plug in his computer. I thought it could have waited but at the same time I thought it was kind of nice...
Obviously I do have concerns. Obviously I love her or I wouldn't be sending this and wondering what I should do. Due to our recent argument, breaking up will not be as hard for either of us right now...it wouldn't be a surprise to her. Should I hold off and continue this? Should I break it off right now? Should we take a break and see what happens? Perhaps good Christian counseling? I don't know...I just don't know. Your feedback will be VERY much appreciated.
 Adam, it seems as if the two of you are trying to force this relationship to work when it's not. The beautiful thing about dating is that you can walk away when the relationship goes sour. So, our first suggestion is not to force something that's obviously not working. Secondly, if the two of you should decide to proceed with your relationship, we recommend both of you rededicate your lives to Christ and begin living by Christian principles. That means no living together, and no sex before marriage. A little time apart may be good to help you guys decide what to do. Just remember, don't force it. Blessings, Mike and Wanda
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