Emotional Abuse in Marriage

by Crystal S
(Texas)

Christian Marriage Question: Emotional abuse in marriage. My husband and I have only been married a month and I already want out. We are both Christians. The problem is everyday when I wake up I pray that he will be in a good mood. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He is a very angry person with trust issues. Pretty much everyday we are upset. I try my hardest to stay on his good side but he takes everything offensive, he does not trust me and when he is upset he calls me out my name. He says really harsh things to me and I've told him about it and he says I am hurting him. I really don't want to leave him. I don't know what to do. Ive talked to him about us going to counseling and he thinks that is just a waste of money. Its the emotional abuse I cannot take and he always being angry with me. We are suppose to be one but he makes me feel like I'm against him? What should I do???

Answer: The fact that you are having problems this soon in your marriage, makes us wonder if the two of you received premarital counseling. And if you did, why a counselor did not tell you to delay getting married. It sounds as if your husband has some unresolved issues from his past that he needs to deal with. A professional counselor would be able to help him with that. And regarding it being money wasted, tell him it's an investment in the future of your marriage. He says you're hurting him? We're not quite sure how this could be if he's the one dishing out the abuse. It sounds as if he's trying to avoid taking responsibility for his behavior by making you feel guilty.

Crystal, believe it or not, we teach people how to treat us. And so, as long as you are accepting of your husband's behavior towards you, he will continue dishing it out. Being a good wife does not mean accepting mistreatment. You must show your husband what is and is not okay by setting clear boundaries with him. A good book to read that will help you with this is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

While we do not advocate separation, we do feel that separation is necessary in cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. We don't know enough about your situation to tell you to separate. That's a determination you will need to make on your own. But that should be your last resort. If you do decide to separate, the time apart should not be used as merely a cooling down period. It should be used as a time for the two of you to get some much needed counseling and work on your relationship. At that point, counseling would not be an option but rather a requirement for reconciliation.


But first, get the book and learn how to set boundaries in your relationship. This is a must do. If setting boundaries does not work then you may have to consider a temporary separation until your husband is willing to make some changes. Continuing to put up with abusive behavior is just giving him permission to continue being abusive.

Also, if the two of you do not have a church home, please find one. You both need to be surrounded with spiritually mature men and woman who can provide you with support and direction. The two of you could also benefit from being actively involved in a marriage ministry.


We love you and will be praying for you.


With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda