Enganged Christian couple struggling with sexual desires

by Asmarie
(London England)

Question: I am a young Christian woman (23)engaged to a young Christian man and we LOVE God.We seek to please Him with our lives and honor Him in our relationship. I have not been a Christian my whole life so I am not a virgin but my fiancé is. We initially wanted to marry this summer,however his family objected saying that we were rushing into it.For that reason we decided on having a December 2010 wedding(because we didn't want to rebel against his parents.

This was fine at first,however as we wait for the date to come,we have been overcome with sexual desires for one another,it saddens me to say that in trying to obey his parents we have began to sin against God :-(

Sometimes we "go too far"like rubbing on eachother and even oral sex.But we haven't had intercourse. I'm so sad,we both are, every time it happens.We have prayed,submitted ourselves (tried to)to God..we seek God,but even in that one thought comes again and then we "fall" again....we DONT want to have sex before the wedding..we REALLY dont and by Gods grace we wont but we really need help...

I really want to move the wedding forward..just by a few months i would rather do that then have this keep on happening.I would be worried if this was how we started out and our foundation was sex,but it never has been throughout the beginning of our relationship we never kissed or touched just got to know each other,and we fell in love we never realized how hard this would be..but since that ring has been put on my finger,we have both started to have intense sexual feelings for one another..I sometimes feel like taking the engagement ring off,just so that I won't have to deal with this,I love God so much id rather not be engaged at all than have to fight this feeling..We feel so helpless..

We have tried never being alone,being in public,so many things,but somehow we always seem to end up here..We are desperate..A big wedding,with everyone there,great venue,wonderful reception would be great..but at what COST..because to us our purity in God is way more important..

Please help...

Answer: Hi Asmarie, it is wonderful that the two of you have decided to honor the wishes of your parents. We pray God blesses you for doing so. The Bible says we are to walk in the Spirit so that we will not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Walking in the Spirit means that you are constantly feeding yourself the Word of God, constantly praying, and purposely seeking to do those things that please the Father.

Controlling yourselves is not impossible but as you already know, it is NOT easy. But you must determine in your heart (not just your mind) to take control over your flesh instead of allowing your flesh to control you. You must tell your flesh "NO". The bottom line is YOU must stop yourself. There is no secret formula. It's merely a matter of forcing yourself to do the right thing. But you will not be able to do it in your own strength. You must rely totally on God and stay in his presence daily!!!

Asmarie, here is another suggestion. Sometimes it is helpful if we have visible reminders and someone to hold us accountable. So, first we suggest you download this free vow of purity contract. Next, we suggest you find two people you trust and tell them about your struggles as well as your desire to please God. Ask them if they would be your accountability partners and keep a close watch and check on the two of you. Ask them to call you and encourage you in this area. Make it a point to call them daily to report in. If they agree, ask them to sign the vow of purity as witnesses. Finally, as a visual reminder for the two of you, purchase purity rings and wear them up until your wedding night.

Now stop condemning yourself and just purpose to try harder. We hope we have said something to help you. Stay encouraged and don't give up. If you continue to obey God, your wedding night will be the most beautiful experience ever! Can't wait to see the wedding pics and hear your testimony :-)


With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda



Leave enganged Christian couple struggling with sexual desires
return to: Christian Marriage Today Home