How do I know if he is the one

(Kentucky)

Question: How do I know if he is the one? I'm getting married in June and I keep having reoccurring doubts! It seems as though at least once every couple of months I second guess my love for him. I'm worried that I don't love him enough to make it last.

I do have a tendency to let my emotions get the best of me so most of the time I can tell myself the reasons why it will work and I convince myself it will be ok.

As the wedding approaches I'm getting more nervous. I know we work great together because we have the same values and plans, we want the same things in life, and we both make-up for where each other lack. I know he will be a great father and will always put me before him. I know that if worse comes to worse I am a loyal person and that I will stick to my decision even if I'm not the happiest. This is what I always tell myself for reassurance.

Now my doubts: Do I love him? How do I know? Sometimes I feel that I do not love him enough because I think I kind of mistreat him by not putting him before me, I'm selfish. I don't always FEEL affectionate towards him and sometimes I'd just rather spend time apart. I guess I thought that to be in love you should be happier and more excited than this but right now what I'm feeling is worry and anxiousness.

Don't get me wrong. I have great days with him, when he holds me I feel better, and we have a good time most of the time. He is my best friend and I know I can be myself around him. Sometimes I just wish I were happier or had that feeling of warm and fuzzy more often...

I am a horrible decision maker and I need help. How do I know?

Answer: Hello. We completely understand your apprehension, marriage is a huge step. Having cold feet as you approach the big day is normal but having constant doubts may be cause for concern. Perhaps you should consider putting on the brakes and moving your wedding date to later in the year, or next year -- there really is no rush. Should you decide to move the wedding date, use that time to get in depth pre marital counseling.

The fact that you are a loyal person and will remain married even if you are miserable is no real assurance the way we see it. Besides that, it's easy to say you'll remain married even if you're unhappy because you are not married yet. Trust us, it's a different story after you say "I do." Marriage is a LIFETIME commitment. No one, you included, wants to remain unhappy until the day they die.

Concerning you not putting him first and being selfish. This has nothing to do with your love for him. It has more to do with (don't be offended) your lack of emotional and spiritual maturity. First of all, being selfish goes against the character of Christ. Therefore, it is something that you should be working on daily to change. Not for the sake of your fiancee' but for Christ's sake. Further, a marriage will not last too long if only ONE person is willing to sacrifice and place the needs of the other above his own. Marriage doesn't work that way, you BOTH must put each other first. If you can't do that, then don't get married.

Regarding not wanting to be around him all the time. And not feeling affectionate all the time, this is not unusual. It sounds like this is just your personality. Michael and I were the same way. While Michael wanted to be around me all the time and was very affectionate, I wanted my space and was less affectionate. But I was still very exciting about getting married.

Lastly, regarding you thinking that falling in love would give you the "warm and fuzzies," understand that real love is not a "feeling". The Bible says that God is love. We may feel warm and fuzzy in the initial stages of a relationship out of being infatuated or even being in lust but the truth is, real love is a decision. So, just because you don't feel warm and fuzzy that is not an indication that you don't love your fiancee'. However, the fact that you lack excitement about the pending nuptials is cause for concern. It sounds as if you feel obligated to marry him because he's such a good person and a good friend in whom you trust and can be yourself with. But that does not mean you should get married.

Please take some time to sort out your feelings before making such a huge decision that you may (or may not) regret later. We say be honest with your fiancee' about how you feel, put on the brakes, and seek out pre marital counseling soon. Your future happiness is worth at least that. Hope that helps.


With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda