How Important is Romance in Christian Marriage?

by Diana
(Lafayette, LA)

Question: How important is romance in christian marriage? Just some background info: My name is Diana and I'm 29. This will be my first marriage. My fiance's name is Chip. He's 30 and this will be his second marriage once we get married.


I reconnected with my now fiance last summer. We got engaged in May of this year after 8 months of dating. He has been married before but the marriage didn't last long (8 months). His wife left him after passing the bar. Our engagement has actually been his third, including his first wife. I'm having a hard time feeling special because of this. I've also found myself complaining a lot on the romance in our relationship. We've only been together about 10 months and already I feel like it's sizzled. I've been told that the chemistry and passion fades about 6-18 months after marriage anyway, so should this be a concern of mine? This is pretty much my only concern. He's a pretty amazing guy besides that. I've told him that I'm concerned about feeling like his "roommate" once we get married. How important is chemistry and passion in a marriage? Any advice?


Answer: Hello Diana. We can certainly understand your concern. The first thing we would like to say is that the two of you absolutely must get pre-marital counseling before the wedding. The fact that your fiance' has been engaged three times and his last marriage only lasted 8 months is not something that should be glossed over or swept under the rug. Premarriage counseling will educate both of you on how Christian marriage should function and what you can expect. Good counseling will also uncover any hidden issues that need to be resolved.


If you are members of a church, you should be able to get pastoral counseling. However, we must warn you that pastoral counseling is not always sufficient for engaged couples. It's usually not long enough and often times is too superficial. So, if your church does not offer an in depth premarital program that lasts no less than 6 weeks and covers several topics, we suggest you seek out a professional Christian counselor.


Next, in regards to romance in marriage you said, "I've been told that the chemistry and passion fades about 6-18 months after marriage anyway, so should this be a concern of mine?" Diana, romance in marriage is not automatic. Romance is something couples have to be intentional about and the truth is it gets difficult when you have kids, bills, a job, and other responsibilities. That doesn't mean couples should just resolve to have passionless marriages. Like we said, it will take a joint effort from the two of you. If there is no effort than it's likely the passion will fizzle quickly. The same is true if you come into marriage with unreasonable expectations. Unreasonable expectations and demands can kill chemistry and passion just as quickly. So just remember, your life is not a romance novel or a soap opera where passion comes effortlessly -- it takes work :-)


Finally, we are assuming the two of you have already accepted Christ as your personal Savior. If you haven't or need to rededicate your lives, now is a good time to do that. Begin to pray to God for His will and direction concerning whether the two of you should get married. If after prayer and counseling you feel ambivalent, then listen to your gut (trust what you feel) and put on the brakes. It's better to do that then to proceed with marriage and end up miserable or divorced.


Thank you for visiting our website. Please continue to visit us often for insight and inspiration. Be blessed.



In Christ,
Mike and Wanda