How long can a Christian couple be separated legally

by albert oppong
(Kaduna, Nieria.)

Question: How long can a Christian couple be separated legally? I am a 49 year old man and i married very late.my first child is five years old.i made it clear to my wife before we were joined in marriage that i am a pastor and my work will intensify as we marry.as at that time i was out of work IE was not in full time ministry and resident in Ghana and so i kept praying until God directed me to my former pastor in Nigeria and so i had to go back to him in Kaduna Nigeria.my wife refuses to come to Nigeria. she by this action is telling me that she prefers to stay away from me rather than to stay in Nigeria.she had refused to have sex with me eight months before I came to Nigeria and so for the past two years I have had no sex with any woman. How do I continue with the work of the ministry in this condition? My father in law says I should return his daughter to him.i need counseling and sincere help in this area. Thank you and God richly bless you.


Answer: Hello Albert:

Your question about legal separation is not one that we can answer because the laws in Africa are not the same as in the United States. While you made it clear to your wife prior to marriage that your work in the ministry would become more intense, it is our belief that marriage is also a ministry and comes before all else. In the book of Timothy, it teaches that church leaders should first have their homes in order. Husbands and wives are obligated to minister to one another unselfishly as unto Christ. If a husband or wife cannot minister at home, how then can they minister in the house of God? This is what Timothy says regarding Bishops and Deacons:


“A bishop then must be blameless…One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)” I Timothy 3:2-5


Additionally, Christ tells us in Ephesians that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. This means a sacrificial love that places her needs above yours. Although you were already actively involved in ministry prior to getting married, once you were married, your wife and marriage should have become the priority not the other way around. Are we saying you should stop God's work? ABSOLUTELY NOT! What we are saying is that your wife comes first.


Yes, your wife must understand that you have a call to do the work of the Lord, but you must understand that God is not calling you to sacrifice your marriage on the altar of ministry. That would not be an example loving your wife as Christ loved the church.


So, find out what your wife’s needs are. She is likely not having sex with you because she feels neglected and unimportant. You see, a woman’s emotional needs must be met in order for her to enjoy sexual relations.


We say, before you resort to permanently separating, the two of you should have a talk. You Albert must try to understand your wife’s heart and find out what her needs and desires are. You must begin to make the ministry of marriage a priority so that you can take care of God’s house as Timothy states. If that means you have to take a sabbatical in order to get your marriage on track, then that is what you must do. To continue serving in ministry and your home (marriage) being out of order is not pleasing to God.


Find a way to include your wife in your work, and then set aside time for just the two of you on a regular basis. Like weekly dates, or quarterly vacations. Those are just ideas, it’s up to you to talk to her and find out what she desires. Deep down inside, she doesn’t want to go home, she just wants to know that she is your number one priority, not the church.


You asked, "How do I continue with the work of the ministry in this condition?" The answer is, you don't. You get your home and marriage in order as God requires, then you do the work of the ministry. If you have ministers or deacons, then delegate some responsibility to them and take a break until your marriage is back on track.



We will be praying for you.



With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda