How to get along with your husband in a blended family

Question: How to get along with your husband in a blended family. My husband died 13 years ago and I am now remarried. My husband has two grown children (in their 30's) and I have 3 young adult children (ages 19, 22, 24). It seems like ever since we've been married, he's wanted my children out of the house. Two are out but my 19 year old still lives with us. Whenever she leave things out or doesn't pick up, etc. he gets so upset with her and it always causes an argument between us. I have talked with her about taking responsibility of these things. But whatever it is that she does, he gets upset and doesn't forget. Last night we were going to play cards and she was the one who used them last. Some of the cards were bent and missing so again he blew up. I told her that she needed to apologize and buy new cards. He is so upset (he already has high blood pressure)and it again has separated us. He often brings up things in the past that she has done. I told him we need to pick our battles and be thankful we don't have more serious problems (serious health problems, kids in prison, etc.). When he's with his family/kids he's laughing and so happy. But when he's with just me and my kids, it's as if his whole self changes. He always seems so irritable and unhappy. I love him but am so tired of being hurt/sad. Please advise.

Answer: Family counseling would have been extremely beneficial for all of you from the onset. But we’re not quite sure how beneficial it would be at this point. Your husband is displaying behavior that is often seen in non-biological parents when there has been a failure to build a relationship with the children in the beginning. Developing a relationship with children that are not yours biologically is extremely easy when the child/dren are infants or toddlers. But building that bond when the child is an adolescent is an entirely different story. This seems to be especially difficult for stepfathers, versus stepmothers. As relationship building does not come as natural for men as it does women. Furthermore, there is sometimes hidden resentment on the part of the stepfather because the child is a reminder of another man and another life his spouse had before him.

The first thing we recommend is that you and your husband have a meeting. But before you meet with him, cover the meeting in much prayer. Pray and ask God to soften his heart so that he is able to hear your heart. Also, ask the Lord to give you the right words to say. You see, the conversation must be governed by love with no blaming or finger pointing. This means you can’t come to the table with an attitude or resentment in your heart. If you do, the two of you will surely end up in an argument. As you talk, make sure you express concern not just for your daughter but also for your husband. Ask him what he’s feeling and why he feels the way he does concerning the children. Give him an opportunity to talk and express all that he’s feeling.

Now, remind him that as Christians, the two of you have an obligation to always be Christ-like in your behavior and responses, especially with your children. Let him know that his current responses are not only not Christ-like but also extremely hurtful to you and your daughter. And therefore, unacceptable. You see, no matter how angry he gets, responding with words that hurt, or humiliate is NEVER acceptable. From there ask your husband how he would feel about you helping him in this area. If he agrees, we recommend you take this as an opportunity to implement guidelines for handling future conflicts. For instance, a guideline may be that your husband agrees not to confront your daughter until he has completely calmed down. Instead, he steps back from the situation to calm down and discuss the issue with you before saying anything to your daughter. Or, if he feels that he cannot deal with your daughter without blowing up, then the two of you should agree that you should handle all conflicts. This will be a work in progress that may not always be successful, but it’s much better to have a plan in place versus no plan at all. If this fails, anger management may be in order, or a temporary separation if he gets verbally abusive. This is a call you'll have to prayerfully make on your own.

If the two of you have been estranged from church, suggest to your husband that the two of you begin attending once again. From there, become involved in the many ministries that the church offers. If you don’t have a church home that you attend we recommend you find a church home. If your husband does not want to attend, then go with your daughter. She needs to be fed spiritually and taught the unconditional love of Christ.

Be sure to pray for both your husband and your daughter daily. The Power of a Praying Wife is a good book by Stormie Omartian that we highly recommend. When you pray for you daughter, pray against the spirit of rejection. Ask God to guard her heart and mind. Pray that she will always feel loved and accepted. A good book on the subject of blended families is Blended Families, by Maxine Marsoloni.


We love you an are praying for you.


In Christ,
Mike and Wanda