Husband's Having Identity Crisis

Question: Husband's Having Identity Crisis. Six months ago my husband started losing weight,dramatically. It seems weird but I dismissed it. Since then his behavior became more bizzare...coming home late, lying, losing his temper, staying away from home overnight. I asked dozens of times but he just keeps saying we grew apart. We are both Christians but he is now refusing to go to church. Eight days ago he left and went to his dad's and hasn't been back. In the maylay, I found out that he had been smoking, chewing tobacco and drinking for the last 6 years without my knowledge. I never suspected any of it until a few months ago. We have a daughter who had a stroke when she was a baby and is disabled, he said he started when she was born. Now he says he wants to be free from responsibility and be his own man...come and go where he wants, do what he wants and not answer to anyone. He said my morals were not his morals and he just said that he believed smoking and drinking were wrong because I believed it. I still don't know if I have all the truth from him. I reviewed our bank statements over the last month and there were over $300 of unexplained charges on his card.I don't know how to proceed now. I love him and want to work things out but he says he won't stop doing those things and refuses to try to work things out. We have been married for 12 years and together for 16, our daughter is six. I am a stay at home mom and he is the only income for our family. Please help me see clearly and make the right choices.

Answer: Hi there, thank you for allowing us to answer your question. You said, "Now he says he wants to be free from responsibility and be his own man...come and go where he wants, do what he wants and not answer to anyone." If this is in fact what your husband said, then he is saying that he does not want to be married. If he has told you that he does not want to be married, then the best thing to do is to simply let him go. Simply put, you can't force someone to stay married. Your husband has a heart issue and a substance abuse problem. No amount of talking on your part is going to change him. Only God has the power to change a person's heart. If your husband has decided he wants out of the marriage, then there are a few things you must begin doing. You should begin taking precautions to protect yourself and your daughter. Emotionally speaking, if your husband will not get counseling then you should seek counseling for yourself. It is important that you get help with managing your emotions so that you can be strong for your daughter. Secondly, speaking from a point of economic survival, you should begin to seek employment. Although you have been a stay at home mom, you can no longer (at least not at the moment) rely on your husband to provide for the two of you in the future. His behavior has already demonstrated that he can not be relied upon. Third, legally speaking you should seek the advice of an attorney. Not to file for divorce, but to find out what your rights are legally, i.e. spousal support and child support. All of this will take courage on your part, but it's called preparing yourself. It simply would not be wise to sit back and let the chips fall where they may, so to speak. Finally, you need spiritual support. If your prayer life and Bible reading time has been lacking, now is a good time to renew your relationship with Christ. Find a good Bible teaching church in your area and begin attending with your daughter. Also, when you pray, be sure to intercede for your husband. Pray that God would draw him back to the Cross and that he will be delivered from the grips of Satan. The Bible says that the prayers of a righteous man availeth much. So know that your prayers can cause change. Change may not come until after a separation but even then, God is able to restore.

If you do everything that we have suggested you will place yourself in the best position emotionally, financially, and spiritually. You will be better equipped to take care of yourself and daughter as God works on the heart of your husband.


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If your husband desires to stay with you and continue his drug addiction and bizarre behavior, this should not be an option. You must set boundaries in marriage. In other words, you must draw a line. If he is not willing to get help, then the two of you should remain separated until he decides to. By the way, getting help is not a promise from him to stop. If you allow him to come home and ignore his problem, you are enabling him and sending a bad message to your daughter.
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Now, take a deep breath. Remember that God is with you. He will NEVER leave you. Trust God to walk with you every step of the way. Hopefully, something we have said helps you. We will be praying for you.


With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda

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