I am not sure if he's the one...

Question: Hi, I am not sure if he's the one. Me and my boyfriend met in May of 2009 on Eharmony. He is a great guy, he is respectful, supportive etc and we are both born again Christians trying to honor God as we go forward in our relationship. I just moved from MN to NY to be closer to him and to date in a more "normal" setting. He has been head over heals in love with me since our first meeting in July of 2009. He expressed great love for me since the visit in July '09. I have just never quite felt it though. I get days and even weeks where I feel as if I love him. But I don't know if I am in love with him. It seems like every 3 weeks or so I get so disgusted with him and the relationship it's all I can do to be civil to him. There are times I would rather be anywhere than have him even touching me. I have not yet determined anything that could be causing these times of dismay. I have prayed so much about this and felt like God was leading me in the direction of marriage to my boyfriend, yet, tonight as I write this I am ready to abandon ship and go back to MN. I am a very indecisive person by nature and realize this may be part of what is causing my doubts. There are personality differences between us that really bother me. Me being more outgoing than he for example. I don't want to marry him just because he is a "great guy," I want to love him deeply as well.

Thank you for your Godly advice and praise be to God for people like you who have a ministry like this.


Answer: Hello Dear Sister:

If you are having doubts about your boyfriend being “the one,” then perhaps it’s time you put on the breaks. It sounds as if the two of you need to spend more time dating and getting to know each other without any discussions of marriage. Are you living together? If you are, we suggest you get your own place and spend your time learning as much as you can about each other. While you are dating, continue in prayer and be open to God’s direction.

Additionally, there are a few things we want to share with you regarding love and marriage. The first thing we want to share with you is that love is not a feeling. You said, “I get days and even weeks where I feel as if I love him. But I don't know if I am in love with him.” Well love is not something you “fall in” or “fall out” of. The feelings that we so commonly associate with love are typically feelings of infatuation and sometimes even lust. So what is love? The Bible teaches that God is love. And He never changes. So that means real love doesn’t change. You see, love is actually a decision. Love is a verb not a noun. It’s what you do. Even married people have days when they don’t “feel” all warm and fuzzy for each other. They even have days when they can’t stand the sight of each other. But each morning when they wake up, they make a decision to demonstrate the love of Christ in their behavior, words, actions, and thoughts.

You said you and your boyfriend have a few personality traits that are opposite. Well, it is not uncommon to be attracted to someone who is the opposite of you in certain areas. The problem arises when you begin to resent your partner for not being like you. But your partner will never be like you because you were each crafted uniquely by God. In marriage, you must be able to embrace each other’s differences and value them. Within the covenant of marriage, God will use your mate’s differences, weaknesses, and strengths to transform you into His image. This is often times uncomfortable, but it helps us to mature and grow.

But you must be honest with yourself. Don’t force the issue of getting married merely because there are no other prospects and he’s a nice guy. Ask yourself if you can live with those differences or not. Because those little things about his personality that drive you crazy now will likely be what drives the two of you apart later. But also understand that you are not going to marry someone who is an exact replica of you. Neither will you find the perfect man. So, regardless of whom you marry, it’s going to take maturity on your part to accept that person’s differences, and weaknesses.

The other thing we want you to examine is your history of being indecisive. This is not something you should accept as being a part of your nature. Indecisiveness can stem from being an extreme worrier, lack of self-confidence, depression, or an anxiety disorder. When a person is indecisive, they are fearful of making the wrong decision. The person has an obsessive need to always get it right. So, when they finally do make a decision, they inevitably regret the decision they made and begin stressing over it. Well, it is simply impossible to make the right decision all of the time. So, what do you do? You must learn to make decisions and embrace your decision even if it turns out not to be the best decision. Learn from it and move on. Being indecisive can immobilize you and keep you from enjoying life because you are always worrying, questioning, and regretting your choices.

We suggest you begin taking steps to free yourself of being indecisive. The first place to start is with prayer. Begin asking God to help you overcome indecisiveness. From there, begin to intentionally practice being decisive. Begin to make small decisions and then stick to the decision you made. Tell yourself you accept the consequences of your decision and then refuse to hold regrets later. Give yourself permission not to get it right every time. Then choose to live with your decision and learn from it. If you begin to do this daily with small things, you will look up one day and discover that you are now a decisive person.

So, the bottom line is. We think you should put the brakes on your wedding plans. Get your own place if you don’t already have it. Focus on dating each other without discussions of marriage. Also, while you’re deciding if you can live with his differences, begin to focus inwardly and examine yourself for areas that you may need to mature in and change.

Hopefully something we’ve said helps you. I know we’ve said an awful lot. We’ll be praying that God gives you wisdom and direction. Be blessed!


With Christ’s Love,
Mike and Wanda