I Have Not Been Truthful With My Spouse

by William
(California)

Question:I have not been truthful with my spouse. We have been through a lot together in the past 2 years. We separated for about 7 months while I was going through military training, then we got back together because I was lonely....I think this is why. However, it is hard for me to say this but I don't think I ever really loved my wife. You see when we were about 18&19 we had a child and I love that girl with all my heart I think that is the only thing keeping us together. I thought the only thing to do was to marry my now wife and try to make this family work, I soon found out that we had way too many differences and I was not ready to settle down so before I left for boot camp we separated. Then I came back and my wife sounded like things had changed and I really missed my daughter, so I got us some marriage counseling through our chaplain. It seemed like it was good advice that neither of us took for much later on. Then we moved and that's when things got really bad again. So, I thought that maybe it was me, because everything seemed like it was. She didn't know anyone, so I got her out and about. She wasn't involved in any community things so I got her in the planning committee for my Battalion. We could never go to church because we have 1 car and I work Sunday-Thursday, but I found away to get somewhat involved in the church. We are both saved Christians and the church is very important in our lives. But even though I did all this it was always met with criticism and an "I don't want to" attitude. I even bought the "Fireproof" book and tried it. Now I am to a point in my life that everyday I wake up and ask God to help me and everyday I go through life wondering if I am suppose to be this unhappy in a marriage. I really haven't been happy for about the last 7 months. Now she wants to buy a one way ticket back home and I am hoping she stays. I don't feel any kind of a connection with her anymore not physical nor emotional or spiritual. The only reason I haven't filed for divorce is my daughter I don't want her to hate me for what I did. I also don't want her to grow up in a house that has no love and where we always are arguing and where there is no sort of a connection. I really don't know what I should do when I ask God to help it seems like I am suppose to go a different route than that of my wife. I could go on and on but I think is pretty much hits the main points of what I am trying to get some advice on. Thank you for taking the time to help me out.


Answer: William, like building a house, it is important that a marriage be built on a solid foundation. A faulty foundation will undoubtedly cause many problems later. This is where you seem to be currently as the foundation of your marriage appears to be cracked and unstable. The first crack in your marriage foundation was created by your motivations for marrying your wife from the beginning. While your intentions were honorable, a marriage can not thrive and grow off of good intentions. Neither should a child be the only reason a couple stays together. In fact, the birth of a child sometimes places added strain on the marriage relationship in the beginning.

You said you are not sure if you ever really loved your wife. And this is probably because you are confusing love with your feelings. Real love, the love of God, has nothing to do with how you feel. The love we demonstrate to our spouses is suppose to mimic the love Christ has for the church. It is not based on feelings; it's merely a decision you must make.

Based on what you have shared, it does not appear that you have Biblical grounds for divorcing your wife neither does it sound as if separation is the answer. Because the foundation of your relationship with your wife was not built on the truth; we suggest you start there. You see, until the foundation is torn up and reestablished, nothing you do will be productive. Until the two of you open up, and share your hearts (that means everything) then you will continue going around the same mountain. We recommend you pray first and ask God to prepare both of your hearts, and also ask that His would be done - not yours. Then sit down with your wife and open up to her about how you REALLY feel, at the same time, give her an opportunity to express how she feels, and what she desires. From there make a decision to fight for your marriage. Regardless of why you got married, the point is, you are married and marriage is a lifetime covenant.

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