Is Getting Married Young a Bad Idea?

by Ashlee
(Baton Rouge, Louisiana )

Question: Is Getting Married Young a Bad Idea?. Hi, I'm Ashlee and I'm 20 years old. My fiancé is 18 years old. We have been dating for the past three years, and are completely in love. We've been engaged for about two months now, but haven't set a date yet. We're waiting to see if it's doable when we start school this August. His entire family is completely unsupportive about this engagement and the possibility of a wedding soon. It's been hard to not have much support. Ethan and I are both Christians. We've prayed so much that we are making the right decision in getting married, and we are confident that God really wants us to. We've struggled with temptation throughout our relationship. We both try to stay away from sexual temptation, but we keep finding ourselves in a bad situation. We haven't had sex, but we've done just about everything else. It hurts our hearts so much every time something bad happens. Now that we are engaged, we are trying so hard to stop. So far, we've been fairly successful, but it's been extremely hard. We both want to get married this May, but his entire family wants us to wait 5 years! I don't think either one of us will be able to wait that long. I want to respect his parent's wishes, but I really don't know if we will be able to handle the sexual temptation. We've been seeking God in this entire process, asking Him to guide us in the right direction and let us know when the time to actually get married is right. His family says that we will end in divorce because of our young age and the fact that we won't be as financially secure as a college graduate. I'm unsure what God wants for us right now. I don't know if He wants us to wait 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 years. His parent's constant negativity about money and divorce are starting to get to me. They are making me feel like getting married young is poisonous. Before all the negativity, I was really feeling like God was telling us to set the date for this May. But now, I feel uncertain. I don't know when God is leading us to get married. Is it poisonous to get married at a young age, and how will I know for certain when God is leading us to get married?

Answer:

To be completely honest with you, we have two sons ages 19yrs and 23yrs of age. If either of them told us they wanted to get married right now, we would be very apprehensive. Why? Because based upon what we know about life, and marriage, we know that they are far from being ready for marriage. They are not prepared emotionally, financially, or otherwise. Marriage is HARD WORK and if you’re not prepared for it, I mean REALLY prepared for it then the chances of it ending prematurely are extremely high.

So, try not to look at your future in-laws as being negative. It’s likely that they know that young marriages have a higher rate of divorce. And they also know that money is one of the top reasons couples cite for divorcing. They just want what's best for their son as well as for you. Furthermore, they are not saying anything that most parents would not say. It’s what we would say to our sons, and it’s what my parents said to me. In fact, my parents warned me against getting married so young, at the age of nineteen, but I didn’t listen. Of course, now I wish I had listened because my marriage ended in a horrible divorce. I suffered a lot of painful things merely because I chose not to listen to wise counsel. I didn’t know it back then, but one of the ways God speaks to us is through other people. It’s up to us whether or not we listen. If the two of you have been praying then you must be open to the possibility that God is speaking through your future in-laws.

You asked us how would you know it’s time to get married. Our answer is this. You will know it's time to get married when you have done everything in your power to fully prepare yourselves for the future. No, you can't avoid marriage stress and marriage problems entirely but some things can be avoided by simply planning ahead. The Bible speaks a lot about planning and how important it is. It also speaks a lot about taking wise counsel.

With that being said, we think you should focus on getting prepared. In other words, the two of you must have a solid plan of action. You should have money saved for emergencies (at least 6 months of your incomes). You should have good paying jobs that allow you to put money aside for your futures, pay your bills, and basically not struggle from paycheck to paycheck. Jobs that pay well are easier to come by when you have a marketable skill or a trade (especially in this economy). If neither of you has marketable skills then you need a plan of action on how you will obtain marketable skills. If you don’t want to attend a four-year university, there are plenty of other alternatives. For example, there are programs available that are as short as 12 months. In addition to savings and job skills, you should have your own place to live, not with parents or friends. And finally, you should have a plan for obtaining premarital counseling. Can the two you get married without these things? You sure can, but it would not be wise to do. Like building a house, your marriage must have a solid foundation.

We do understand you not wanting to wait years to get married. And we also understand how difficult it is to abstain from fornication. But we also know the pain of divorce. And considering the devastation divorce can cause, you should be willing to wait as long as it takes in order to do it the right way. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Therefore, it’s worth a few years of planning and proper preparation. After all, what are a few years compared to a lifetime?

Ashlee, God wants the best for you. The best way to know whether or not you’re receiving His best is to ask yourself if you are following the Word of God. For instance, His Word says to plan ahead and listen to wise counsel. Are the two of you doing that? If not, we say, plan ahead, listen to wise counsel, and then get married. You’ll be glad you did. That doesn't mean you'll have to wait 5 years. It could be less. Just don't make the mistake of allowing your struggles with sexual sin to be your guide. Make sure you have planned properly, considered the counsel of those who love you, and have also taken advantage of premarital counseling.

If you have other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. We will be praying for you both.


With Christ’s Love,
Mike and Wanda



Is Getting Married Young a Bad Idea?
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