Married 25 years and struggling

by Terry
(Illinois)

Question: My wife and I have been married 25 years and struggling. We have four children. Their ages are 19, 18, 15, and 13. The two oldest are adopted. I love them all dearly. We are financially secure. The last couple of years I have felt my wife and I growing apart. The intimacy has dwindled dramatically. Recently we have been arguing about the way we are raising our children. My 18 year old daughter and my wife have never really bonded. I feel for both of them and love them both very much. My daughter has always had trouble telling her mother the truth. She always borrows things from her mother and doesn't return them. She has never gotten in trouble outside of the home until recently. She was picked up for shop lifting. I was devastated. My wife said she wasn't surprised at all. She has told me she thanks are daughter is evil. I agree that she is spoiled and at times has a sense of entitlement. I, however, do not think she is evil. She is a senior in high school and has been told she got herself into her most recent mess and she will have to get herself out of it. She has been looking for a job to pay for her forthcoming fine. I have been hard on her since the retail theft, but her mom yells at her constantly. Everything she does, seems to infuriate her mom. I try to mediate and that only infuriates my wife towards me. I think we need to be strict with my daughter but I thing we need to start building her back up not threatening to kick her out of the home every day. I have stepped between my daughter and wife recently when my wife became physical. My wife thinks I'm taking constantly taking my daughter's side, but I am simply trying to move on in a positive direction. My wife has suffered from depression for years. She came from a very abusive family. Her father emotionally, physically, and sexually abused her. I have tried to help her through the years with her depression. Recently she changed medications and I think that maybe the medicine is causing her irritation. She tells me she is tired of me not backing her up. I told her that she is starting to act the same way as her father in that she is always mad and yelling at someone. I told her that if she kept it up she would drive everyone out of the house just as her father did. This last week, we had my family over for Christmas, and my wife was constantly on edge. It seemed that nobody in the family could do anything right. I have been trying to help out around the house more, be more attentive, but things are getting worse. I'm at a loss and feel that my family is crumpling in front of me. I want to save my marriage but feel less secure about it daily. Any advice would be appreciated.


Answer: Hello Terry, we are sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing in your marriage. But we applaud the two of you for sticking with it for 25 years! After reading and praying over your question, we believe you would benefit from what we will call psychological and theological intervention.

One of the most important things we want to remind you of is that the Bible tells us that as Believers, our fight is not with people but rather in the spiritual realm. Therefore, we must fight in the spiritual realm and use spiritual weapons. 2 Cor 10:4 puts it this way, "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds."

What is the point we're making? The point is this; Satan wants to destroy your family, and you must begin fighting him in the spiritual realm with prayer and the Word of God. You must start interceding on behalf of your daughter and your wife; declare the promises of God concerning your family and tell the enemy he has no authority in your home! If you guys have not been actively involved in a church, we recommend you become a part of one immediately. One that offers a separate ministry for teens.

Next, we believe psychological intervention would also be beneficial. So, we suggest Group Family Counseling. Here's why: We have found that children who are adopted often have emotional issues that they never express. Very often they deal with feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and identity problems, stemming from being separated from their biological parents. Even if your daughters have been with you since infancy, this is still very much relevant. In addition to family counseling, your wife needs to regularly see a counselor and have her medications more closely monitored.

Lastly, it sounds like your wife may be feeling a little unappreciated. It doesn't matter if her feelings are warranted or not. What matters is this is how she feels. So, try dating your wife all over again. Browse our website and get some ideas for how to romance her. Pick one day each week, maybe every Friday, and let that be your special time together. That means no kids, and no discussions about any other problems. You could go to a movie, go out to dinner, visit a bookstore, a museum, or double date with another couple. Get her in on the idea and let her help you plan your time together.

Prayerfully, we have given you enough tips to get you thinking and moving in the right direction.

Again, our hats go off to you for being married 25 years, and for trying to be the husband and father that God created you to be.


We love you and will be praying for you!


Grace and Peace,
Ministers Mike and Wanda

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