My Christian Wife?

by Mark Bonem
(Portales, NM, U.S.)

Question:
My wife was baptized 3 years ago. Since then she has had an affair and has threatened divorce over the smallest arguments. I have asked her if we can read the bible together at night but she never does. I have never seen her read the bible but she thinks she already knows what God wants of her. I have bought christian books for her, for me, and for us. I know if God is not first in our lives that eventually things even though seem better will eventually fall back into a difficult time. I told my wife I don't want it to be like it has been I want it to be better. If we fight she will never come to me to end the fighting. If I don't go to her and resolve she will let it go on forever. She never says she is sorry, i mean "ever". I am so frustrated and I don't understand why she wouldn't want to make that step. It seems like I the only one who truly values are marriage. If I wouldn't have fought to keep our marriage we would be divorced. I know biblically I have a reason to divorce without disobeying Gods word but I still love her and want it to work. When I ask to show her Gods word from the bible she refuses to read it. I've prayed about it and believe that God wants me to tell our situation to the church and see if someone has an answer. She says she has put God first in her life but doesn't even read Gods word. I know in order for our marriage to survive and flourish its going to take a lot of work. She likes to read but will not pick up one of the christian books I've bought. I've read hers, mine, and the ones for both of us. Please tell me what I can do or what I haven't done to get her feet wet. I love her but I have some resentment because she go to all the kids games and events no matter what. I don't understand why she wont do that for our marriage. It really has upset me that the answers are right there but when shes upset and frustrated acts like she doesn't know where to find the answers. Please help!

Answer:
Mark, you are correct. Not only must God be first, He must be the core of your relationship. Purchasing books for your wife to read and suggesting she read the Bible are all honorable acts on your part, with only the best of intentions. However, you are attacking the problem from the outside-in, this will not work. The problem that your wife is experiencing is an inside-out problem. In other words, it's a heart problem. Unfortunately, neither you or the church has the power to change her heart, only God can do that.

We don't know all of the details surrounding your situation. Neither do we know your wife's side of the story. But based on the information we do have, it sounds like there are two possible reasons, in our opinion, for what is happening:


1. You said your wife was "baptized" 3 years ago. Well, baptism does not equal salvation. These are two very separate actions with two separate meanings. Baptism is an "outward" sign symbolizing the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Baptism does not save a person. Unfortunately there are many unsaved believers in the Body of Christ who believe they are saved just because they were baptized or just because they say "I'm a Christian". Salvation is an inward change -- it's a heart change. Romans 10:9 says, "For if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." If your wife was only baptized but never truly accepted Christ as the scripture states above, then that would explain your wife's lack of desire for the things of God. On the other hand, if she really did accept Christ into her heart, then it would appear that she has broken fellowship with the Lord.


2. In addition to that, your wife may likely have some unresolved issues from the past. The rebellious behavior she is demonstrating is commonly seen in those who resent their mates or have regrets about getting married.


In either case, your position as her husband is a position of intercession. That means, stop talking to her about the problem and pray for her daily. Pray for a heart change. Pray that God would draw her to Himself as only He can do. You are becoming frustrated because you are trying to do something that only God is capable of doing.

If you have been praying and believe God is leading you to the church, then follow His leading.

But keep a guard on your heart and spirit. Guard yourself against bitterness and resentment towards your wife. If your wife refuses to read the Bible than YOU must be sure to live a life before her that does not contradict the Word. Your behavior could win her over or push her further away. Another reason it is important you guard your heart is because you risk having your prayers go unanswered. 1 Peter 3:7 says, "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. If you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard."



Your Brother and Sister in Christ,
Ministers Mike and Wanda

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