My Husband Cheated on Me

by Kim
(Arkansas)

Question: My Husband Cheated on Me. In 2007 I caught ( actually our teen age daughter did )my husband of 27 yrs @ that time cheating. I was devastated.My heart still hurts everyday. In the last couple of yrs I have figured out he actually met her in 1999...He does does not want to speak of it..says he is sorry & we are not to talk about it..I am still crushed.My health is going down fast..gained 60 lbs, developed diabetes and depression. I am so sad everyday. I have lost my ability to make decisions ...He speaks of our 30 yr marriage as if all has been great..he forgets the verbal, physical and mental abuse that has always been present...he no longer pushes me but gets mad very easy..I had always felt "in love"..I don't feel that anymore.....I want my self esteem back and be able to do for God. I feel very defeated..Please help me see where God wants me. I have grands to think of and I feel hopeless..thank-you.


Answer: Hello Kim, we are so very sorry that you have had to endure so much pain. We think your first course of action needs to be private counseling for yourself. And this needs to happen as soon as possible. For a moment, you've got to take your attention off of your husband and place it on YOURSELF so that you can be restored emotionally and mentally. Also, we must tell you that we NEVER condone a woman remaining in a physically or emotionally abusive marriage. I know hind site is 20/20 but you should have separated from your husband when he was being abusive and demanded that he get help before reconciling. You indicated that he is no longer abusive and that is very good to hear.

But at this point, we suggest you get help for yourself first. You will not be able to make an intelligent/wise decision if you are emotionally and psychologically unhealthy. Along with counseling begin to surround yourself with Godly women who can support, pray, and encourage you. This is just as important as getting counseling. If you don't know any women like that, then start looking for a church home. You'll find plenty of supportive women there.

Kim, once you are emotionally healthy, then begin to assess whether your husband really wants to be married to you or if he just wants the convenience of being married. If he wants you, he will be willing to do whatever is necessary to repair your marriage. That includes truly repenting, not just saying the words "I'm sorry." It also includes being willing to discuss the problems with you and also getting marriage counseling. If he is not willing to do ANYTHING, then he doesn't really want to be married to you. That may sound harsh but it's the truth.

At that point, you have to PRAYERFULLY make a decision. Will you take the way out that the Bible gives you concerning adultery, try a temporary separation in hopes of shaking him up, or will you remain in the marriage knowing that he is not willing to do the work? Kim, we recommend you try everything possible before deciding to divorce. But whatever decision you make you can NOT base it on other people or circumstances i.e., your grandchildren etc. Your grands don't need a "basket case" for a grandmother. Believe me, they would rather have you healthy and whole!

So remember, focus on getting yourself healthy FIRST. Turn your attention inward and upwards. That means on yourself and on Christ. Let Christ love you like you want to be loved. His love is perfect and unconditional. For now, don't talk to your husband anymore about the problems. FOCUS ALL OF YOUR ATTENTION AND ENERGY ON KIM AND CHRIST! Get counseling, get healthy, and then begin making decisions.


We hope we have said something to help you. Thank you for visiting our site.


With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda