My Husband Doesn't Put Me First

by Renee
(Belgrade,Montana,USA)

Question: My husband doesn't put me first. When my husband plans out an event with family or friends, he'll plan it out for a week or two.

When I ask him what we'll do this weekend he does not have a clue or even ask if I would like to do something fun with him. He will not do any activities that are a interest to me and does not want to take part in my interest. It is always his way or do nothing at all. But if it involves his family or friends he just jumps
on a plan and away they go on what every activity is going on.

I feel that why should I say anything to him at all. My plans to him are nothing to him. We had a rocky marriage for years.

In his eyes,every argument we are in is very intense and we will not speak for the rest of the day or week. And it is always my fault. He is never wrong.

I write little love notes to him and I ask him why will not do the same for me, he said action speaks louder than words.

I found out three years ago that he used to call his family and friends after we had words with each other and bad mouth me to them about what I said or did to him. He did that all the years of our marriage. Ouch I was very hurt by that. I never did that to him with my family or friends.
So what advice would you have for me in this very rocky marriage. Thank you for your in put.


Answer: Hello Renee, it sounds like one of the problems in your marriage is simply immaturity. It also sounds as if there's a lot of resentment built up.

Based on what you have told us, you have every reason to be hurt. But at the same time, you must guard yourself against unforgiveness and bitterness because the Bible tells us that unforgiveness will hinder our prayers. It also tells us that if we don't forgive, we will not be forgiven.

We don't know if your husband is a Christian or not, but in cases where the husband is not saved, the Bible says that the husband can be won over by the behavior of his wife. So, make sure that you are showing your husband the love of Christ and not lashing out in retaliation.

Are the two of you members of a local church? If so, make sure that you are actively involved. Also, inquire as to whether or not they have a marriage ministry. If the two of you don't have a church, you should begin seeking one. Pray and ask God to lead you to a good Bible teaching church with a marriage ministry in place. If your husband is unwilling to go to church, then go alone. Your relationship with Christ is what's going to get you through -- so it needs to be strong.

If your husband won't take the initiative to plan weekend activities, then perhaps you should do the planning. Plan things that he wants to do. I know you may be thinking "but what about me?" Well, you have to start somewhere. So, meet your husband where he is. Arguing with him will not convince him of anything. It will only build up more resentment between the two of you.

If your husband is open to counseling, we suggest you seek Pastoral counseling. Otherwise, we are planning to make available an alternative counseling program this year that would be very beneficial to the two of you.

In the mean time, why not print the free Bible Studies we offer on our website for couples and study those with your husband. 'What Your Wife Needs" and "What Your Husband Needs" are good starting points.


Praying for You,
Mike and Wanda

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