My husband wants to sell the house and run away

Question: My husband wants to sell the house and run away. I have been married 21 years. We have 2 daughters, 18 and 20. he is not happy with anything in his life for sometime. He is angry all the time it seems. we own a business which will collapse without him there. He wants to sell the house and run away. Says he wants me with him, but that is not what I want to do. In 8 years we could be debt free from house and business and go then. He says he will do this sale without me. and wants kids to move out and not come back. This all comes because he is miserable with his life and thinks it will be better somewhere else. I have said to go and take a month and wander and come back and see if that's still what he needs. he blew up at 18 year old daughter and said he couldn't stand her. She has been acting like any normal teenager. moody sometimes, but a good kid.this is only one of MANY explosions over last 10 years. Some have been physical, but most verbal. He is crazy. blows up at least every 2 weeks. He is driving me crazy and I am tired of his explosions. But don't want to sell my house and runaway. or give up on marriage. I have a great circle of christian friends, but it is so hard to get a real answer about what to do. I don't feel like god has released me from him, but his anger and misery is killing me. He will not go to counseling or check into antidepressants. He has done that and said it doesn't do any good. any suggestions?

Answer: Hello dear sister. We actually have two answers to your question. The answer you choose to follow is merely based upon what is happening at this juncture in your relationship. First of all, you are probably very aware of the fact that we do not advocate divorce or separation. If you read our web pages about separation we make it clear that separation should only be a consideration in certain situations. One of those situations is when abuse is present. Having said that, if your husband is currently being abusive to either you or your children. Whether it is physical or verbal, then the two of you need to separate. To stay with an abuser and there not be repercussions for that person's behavior is just another way of enabling that person. And as long as you do that, things will never change. In cases like that, the separation should be used as a period to get help for your marriage. And the terms for reconciliation would involve him getting professional help and sticking to it. This is a part of boundary setting.

Now, on the other hand, if there is no abuse and you are simply not in agreement with your husband's decision to sell the house and move, you have to follow your husband's lead. It doesn't matter that you don't agree. You must trust that God is bigger than your husband and so whatever decisions he makes, even the bad ones, God will use them for your good. It's about trusting God, not your husband. If your husband never changes, there are still things within this situation and within yourself that that Lord wants you to examine and learn from. Although you would like to believe that this is all about your husband, it's not. God is speaking to you in the midst of this situation and revealing somethings about you that possibly need to change. We recommend you read a book called Boundaries in Marriage, by Cloud and Townsend. It will definitely help you at this point in your life.

Where your children are concerned, you and your husband should sit down and come up with a plan for how the two of you can help move the children in the direction of being more independent. For instance, do they need better paying jobs? If so, help them with their resume's or help them tweak their interviewing skills. Or maybe they need to go back to school and learn a trade. In any case, the point is, there must be some preparation on the part of the parents to help the children become equipped to survive independent of the two of you. Without preparation they will fail. So sit down and come up with a two year plan for the both of them.

Finally, don't neglect to pray for your husband on a daily basis. Prayer really is a powerful weapon that we Christians take for granted. You must be your husband's intercessor. Have you been praying consistently and diligently concerning the situation? If not, begin doing so. And then trust God. But also set boundaries; get the book.

With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda