My Marriage Problem

by Tiffany Williams
(Charlotte, NC)

Question:My husband has a 26 year old daughter who he has not really been in her life very much over the years. Recently, he has decided that he wants to spend more time with her and get to know her (and her 6 year old child). I knew about his daughter when we married 10 years ago, but she's never been around until now. Every time she comes around I literally get sick on my stomach and cannot sleep at night. I am not comfortable with the situation at all and to be honest I don't really want to form this relationship with her....at the same time I understand my husband desiring to get to know his daughter, but I just don't see where I fit into all of this. I don't want to get in the way of him trying to form a relationship with her, but at the same time I have no desire to pursue this relationship. I told my husband that I'm not comfortable with it and that I am willing to leave my marriage so that he can pursue this relationship with her. Of course he said "NO" and that I as his wife comes first. That makes me feel even worse b/c now he's willing to sacrifice having a relationship with her for the sake of our marriage. I don't think it's fair for me to stay if I'm not going to want her around, but at the same time, I have major challenges when she does come around which affects me in so many different ways. I love my husband dearly and my heart hurts because of this. We went through 8 months of pre-marital counseling with our Pastor before marrying, however, this was not a big topic because he was not in contact with his daughter at the time. I have prayed and asked God to help me with this...with my emotions....I believe that he will. I don't want my marriage to end because of this but I also don't want to be in a marriage where I am not going to be comfortable with his daughter around.........

Any suggestions or guidance you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, Tiffany

Answer: Hi Tiffany, we can only imagine how much of a shock it was to have your husband's adult daughter manifest in your lives after so many years. You obviously had become accustomed to it being just the two of you.

But your husband should be commended for extending the olive branch, so to speak, to his daughter. Especially when there are so many fathers today that want nothing to do with their children. That's a dirty little trick of the enemy to destroy our families -- it's not the will of God.

Tiffany, we don't know what has caused you to feel this way, but as a Christian you have an obligation to love as Christ does and to treat everyone as Christ would. Biblically, you have no cause to leave your husband because he desires a relationship with his daughter. His desires are honorable.

It's good that you are praying about the situation. But praying that God would help you change your emotions may not be the most effective prayer.

You see it is up to you, not God, to take control over your emotions. You must make a decision to take on the heart of Christ, lay aside all judgments, forgive the past, and love unconditionally as Christ requires.

Will it be easy? No. It's going to require you to pray daily, meditate on scriptures, and take control over your thoughts.

When you pray, pray to receive the heart of Christ, pray to be able to see others as Christ sees them, pray for his daughter to feel loved and not rejected. Pray that she and her child would come to know Christ. Ask God to show you how to build a relationship with her. Most of all, pray that God would be glorified and the devil defeated in this situation.

Remember, Christian marriage is not about the needs of one person. Christian marriage is about each person meeting the needs of the other. Christian marriage is suppose to represent the relationship and unconditional love that Christ has for the church.

In response to your statement, "but I just don't see where I fit into all of this"; you fit right where you always have, and that is standing beside your husband.

See this as an opportunity to grow spiritually in your walk with Christ --

"Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible." Romans 12:18


We love you and will be praying for you both!


Peace and Blessings,
Mike and Wanda

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