Needing Marriage Help

by Milena
(Austell, Ga, USA)

Question: I need marriage help. I'm really sad and desperate. I'm very committed to my husband and family, but I'm having serious problems with my husband till the point I have doubts if we made a mistake getting married, and this relationship was not under the guide of God as we thought.

He's African, I'm Hispanic. He's a minister, and was leading a ministry for some years, but for any reason it is closed now, so we are serving in another church. I don't want to talk to anybody there because I don't want to expose him, not even with my family. I don't have any friends or family close to me.

At this moment we don't have communication, just the basic things about home and our daughter, but nothing about us. I have been almost begging to him about talking. He keeps praying and praying and I don't see actions from him. We don't even have sex anymore.

Horrible thoughts come to my mind. I have been “enclosed" in my house for this 4 years, no job, no school, I don't drive, I can't go to the store to buy diapers for my baby. Sometimes I wonder if he have been abusive. I have been patient, enduring this, but I'm not happy anymore. There is too much to tell, but this space is little for that. I need to talk to somebody urgently. I don't want my heart gets dry and when he takes steps to make it better, I won't be available.


Answer:Hi Milena. We are really sorry to hear about your marriage problems. We will try to give you the best answer possible. You mentioned that your husband was leading a ministry for many years, which is now closed. Is it possible your husband is suffering from depression? Milena, did you notice the changes in your relationship and in his behavior after the ministry closed? If you did, then it’s likely his problem is psychological. For the most part, men correlate their identity and self worth with the work they do, or their accomplishments. The loss of a job, or failing at an endeavor can easily force them into a state of depression. They see themselves as a failure and believe those around them see the same thing. Unfortunately, it is difficult for men to admit to feelings of depression and even more difficult for them to seek help. Here are a few symptoms of depression. But understand depression manifests itself differently in each person. A person may have all or none of these symptoms:

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Trouble sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Appetite and/or weight change
• Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
• Restlessness, irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain, which do not respond to routine treatment


You said you don’t want to expose your husband, but your husband needs help. And so far, your silence about the situation has done nothing to improve things. That’s why we suggest you talk to someone at your church, but not just anyone. Someone who will keep your conversation confidential, like a pastor or an elder. The mistake that many of us make in marriage is that we don’t want to expose our problems. But Milena, that’s a trick of the enemy. Your husband is dealing with something that is obviously beyond his ability to express or manage -- he needs help. And if you can’t go to the church for help, then what’s the point of the church? One of the purposes of the church is to facilitate spiritual healing and restoration.

Additionally, because your husband is a minister, he is held to a higher level of accountability. In fact, the Bible teaches that leaders in the church must first have their homes in order before serving in the church. Your husband’s home is not in order. Therefore, he is in violation of that Scripture. At the very least, his pastor needs to know. The pastor will likely offer pastoral counseling for both of you. If your husband is depressed, he may need medication.

Regarding you staying home for four years and not being able to leave to make small purchases, did you agree to this arrangement or is your husband forcing you to do this? If you did not previously agree to this, than forcing you to do this would be considered a form of abuse. However, if this is something you agreed to in the beginning but have since changed your mind then he can’t be blamed for that. The best thing to do is to let him know that you have had a change of heart. Tell him that while you enjoy being home with your daughter, that you would be even more fulfilled if you had an intellectual outlet like perhaps going to school. If you can’t physically go to class, perhaps you can take online classes. If you desire to drive, talk to your husband about taking driving classes. If that’s not an option, get a bike and attach a seat on it for your daughter. That way, you can get some exercise and have access to local stores. There’s a number of ways to get around this issue. But the two of you will have to come to an agreement on that. As a young, vibrant woman, it is simply not healthy for you to remain closed up in the house 24/7.

But regardless of all that, if your husband is not listening to you, then you should talk to someone at the church as we already suggested. Your silence is NOT helping the situation. But remember, be extremely selective in who you talk to. The pastor should be your first option.


Prayerfully, we have said something to help you even if only in a small way. We will be praying for you.


With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda

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