Online Prayer Request from Sarah

by SarahAnn
(Vancouver, WA)

Online Prayer Request from Sarah: I need prayer for my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and it has been a crazy ride. One thing after another. We come from dysfunction and it shows in our marriage. We have both battled addictions and that is no doubt the fruit of so many wounds not ever healed. My husband had addiction problems the most for the first 3+ years. During this time he turned my world upside down, I was drowning. He cheated on me with a known slut for months behind my back. He later admitted he was sleeping with her the whole time and playing house with her and her daughter, (which especially hurt since he didn't want kids with me) -before coming home to me. We separated for about 3 months. We did some counseling but after the initial warm fuzzy "I love you anyways" wore off we never truly dealt with our real issues so we go round and round...and round. Now, keep in mind I love the Lord with all my heart and have a very personal relationship with Him, I just found myself wanting to numb out, to quit being the "police" and I jumped head first into a heroin addiction over the past 4-5 months. Now, I have ALWAYS hated needles, I actually told my husbands family when I caught him using a few years ago when he missed his daily dose of methadone, and was completely FREAKED out!!! But like they say, its much easier to pull someone off a chair then on one". I was (am)SO exhausted mentally, emotionally,spiritually, and physically from fighting against my husbands addiction to pills, alcohol (not anymore thank God!) and now methadone (in a program) and a lot of xanax. I could have been described as a pot head a bit, I honestly believe it is not a bad thing as long as u keep your priorities in check and do not over abuse it- God made it and if I had the money I would get medical marijuana because it helps my IBS, nausea, and headaches as well as put me in a calmer state of mind. Im sure a lot of u would disagree but Ive chatted it up with God about this one a lot, and I know He's not mad about it. It has never caused any problems in my life except to gain a few pounds here and there. When I met my husband I had no clue what I was getting into. He, as I see it now, does not want to be a husband! period. and i cannot make him want it. The responsibility of supporting me as his wife (really, any responsibility at all) is not something he wants or will even try to want. Therefore we are constantly moving. We may last 6 months in an apartment but then he gets sick of not being able to just spend his check on whatever toys he wants and we end up moving in with his Grandmother who, despite being a life long "Christian" babies my Husband and encourages divorce constantly, she has been a HUGE part of problems in our marriage because (and she does this with ALL the BOYS -only boys- in her family) she wants to be the ONE who takes care of them. I am not the first wife that she has messed with, her son who is 40+ still lives with her and she had a lot to do with his divorce...along with his addiction to alcohol, meth, and heroin(him and my husband were the ones who first introduced me to heroin, i had a couple drinks that night and said to myself "screw it" My husband instantly said "haha, now you cant tell on me anymore". She does not see their flaws and instead of helping them stand on their feet and become men she treats them like they are 8 and does everything down to folding their underwear. Yes. even when I am there telling her I can do my husbands laundry! But, I dont do it, or any other house wife duties well enough for her grandson, So you see, my husband has always always always gone to her in times of trouble and she has, and will always, take him in and fix all his problems. Currently, we are living in a small apartment for $575 a month in the ghetto and instead of saving half his check for rent (he makes $8.44 per hour about $500 bi-weekly) which is a lot to save when u make that much but we don't really have a choice, and it IS possible, just not fun...he spends it all on God only knows what! Guns, gun cleaning kits, flags, old coins, old toy cars, you name it. He is a child still and there is nothing I can do about it, now that I am pretty much worthless on drugs. I just cant fight anymore!!! I cant do it alone. I know Im not "alone" but u know what I mean. even when he is there...he does not take any of the info. from counseling IN...he always goes back to the same boy, and runs to Grandmas house. I'll tell you what, I LOVE my husband and I have TRIED AND TRIED to work on our marriage (his mom and step dad are pastors of a church and counsel us from time to time) but doing it alone is never going to work and I can't do it anymore. It has taken EVERYTHING from me!!! My God WHY????!!!! I try to be a good wife but just about anything I do for him is in his mind "what I am supposed to do" but if he does anything its "remember all I do for you!??? I rarely get thank yous,...its almost like he gets meaner the nicer I am. I try to rack my brain for reasons as to why this has been allowed to happen to me. God says He will never give you too much to handle. Well, I cant say I believe that anymore. I am a bright girl, fairly pretty, was going to college to become a nurse. I WANT a FAMILY SOOOO BAD! My husband does not want kids until we have a house and a lot of money in the bank. That is probably never going to happen. This is not what I signed up for! We went into this so fast but he was the "man of my dreams"- he was so handsome and thoughtful, he loved the Lord- I instantly fell for him, six months later we married. I know the devil is using all of our wounds and evil spirits to mess with us because he hates marriage but I am not strong enough to go on any longer. I honestly would not be mad if i didn't wake up tomorrow. Everything I envisioned for my life is ashes. There is nothing left of me to give. Now, my husband acts like LITERALLY he has no idea what im talking about when I bring up all the crud he put me through for years- he only sees the past 5 months and my problem as being the only thing that went wrong in our marriage. I don't know what that is called but he has really truly blocked out all the terrible things he has done to me. so, that is the just of it. I could really use some advice. All I have ever wanted is to be a good Godly wife to a Godly husband and have beautiful babies and hopefully use my career and life experience to help people in need. I wanted a home. Just a tiny one, I never cared about having a lot of money or getting a super fancy- anything. I just...had this dream and a hope that came along with it and it is no longer there. I am checking myself into rehab here really soon (there is just paperwork and stuff to do since I do not have any money or insurance) and then...what? My heart HURTS SO MUCH! =( I'm crying which actually feels good. Its the first time I have felt anything in awhile. I know God loves me and I believe He can do ANYTHING - He can totally save me and my husband and our marriage. I just don't think all the pieces are there for Him to work with, and I do not know at this point that there ever will be. I have nothing. I am scared out of my mind to go through rehab alone, he does not think it will help me and is not supportive. I have been going to school on a grant and do not have one dime to my name, how do u leave? where could I go? Im so scared! I feel like a child, lost.
"Jesus hear my heart and heal me! I love you, thank you God for being so amazing, You have shown Yourself to me so many times and I know You are there and You know exactly what is going to happen and what I need to do. Please God, show me what to do! Open and slam shut any doors that need it...I will go wherever You take me, blindly! I trust in You, take me out of this mess. Please tell me what I need to do to heal and what to do about my Husband. Amen.