My Husband is Sexually Passive

Posted by in Sex and Romance | 2 comments

sexually passive husband

My Husband is Sexually Passive

QUESTION: “We were both saved before our marriage. We’ve been married more than 30 years.  Our sex life has been unsatisfying for us both. He never initiates, asks, nor jumps in to ravish, nor does he do foreplay, nor sex talk… With him being so so passive and not doing anything, nothing much happens. He often is too limp to proceed. Or even though I’m not ready, I’ll let him just so he can climax and go to sleep. I have been very clear, that I am interested in making love, but that I need him to make a direct move or pass…not be like a 90 year old man shuffling down the hall with his walker.”

 

First of all, I applaud you for having the courage to be honest with your husband. Many wives shy away from sharing how they really feel and avoid having hard conversations. Telling your husband that he’s not satisfying you sexually is a hard place to go.  What’s even worse is having to continually have that conversation for years. ((((HUGS GO HERE)))

 

However, where sexual passivity is concerned, understanding the WHY is paramount in understanding the HOW.  For instance, some men are passive by nature and others are sexually passive because of emotional issues that are the result of things they’ve experienced in their pasts.

 

Both groups can improve, but they each have separate paths of resolution.  While a husband who is passive by nature may be able to improve over time with lots of coaching and encouragement from his wife, a husband who is sexually passive because of emotional deficiencies will need the help of a professional counselor.

 

Sexually Passive

 

Assuming your husband doesn’t have emotional issues, my suggestion is that you fight for the intimacy that you desire by taking the lead in this situation.  If you settle for a sub-par sex life by allowing him to pleasure himself just so that he can go to sleep quickly, and because you’re tired of having the same conversation, then you end up contributing to the problem.

 

There’s an old saying that says we teach people how to treat us, and this is true even in marriage.  Our husbands don’t automatically know how to please us sexually, and some men (for a number of reasons) are naturally passive.

 

As women we think, “He should know what to do without me having to tell him!” I’m guilty of that, but that type of thinking is flawed.  We girls have to do more than just show up with a bag full of expectations.  If a wife is unsatisfied, it’s up to her to not just inform but teach her husband how to satisfy her.  Contrary to what is seen in the movies,  it’s not the sole responsibility of the husband to make sure sex is satisfying.

 

 

You’ve been waiting for your husband to change for a long time, and I feel your frustration.  But why not take a different approach?  Take the responsibility from him and make your sexual satisfaction your responsibility.  I know…It doesn’t sound romantic at all, but at the end of the night, all that matters is that you are BOTH satisfied–even if it’s by your own design.

 

I’ll give you some ideas, but I want to encourage you to begin thinking outside of the traditional box and come up with a plan of action.  Then, work your plan until your plan starts working for you!  That means you can’t give up or give in because your husband’s not getting it.  Stick with it no matter how annoyed you get.  Doing so shows him that this is REALLY important to you.  Giving up as a result of frustration reinforces to him that it’s not that big of a deal, and it ensures your displeasure for the remainder of your marriage.

 

Here are some out-of-the-box ideas and suggestions if your husband is sexually passive. Remember, seek professional counseling if you suspect that there are emotional or psychological deficiencies. 

 

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Instead of waiting for him to ravish you, become the ravisher.  As much as women enjoy being taken, an often ignored fact is that men do too.  Tease your husband all throughout the day but put off making love until you’re ready.  When neither of you can take it any more–ravish him!

 

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Purchase a timer and call it your Foreplay Timer.  Set the timer before foreplay begins and advise your husband that foreplay can’t stop until the timer goes off. But do remember, foreplay isn’t just for you.  If you want your husband to be ready, be sure to give him the foreplay that he needs. In other words, it’s a two way street.

 

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Have designated nights for sex.  It sounds cold and calculated but it really does work!  It did for us :). Take it a step further and designate an initiator for specific nights. Meaning, you initiate on certain nights and he initiates on other nights.  On the nights that you initiate, you do what he wants.  On the nights that he initiates, he does what you want.

 

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Be flexible and open to the idea of being THE Initiator all of the time.  Some women find that this works better because it gives them more control over making love when their feeling it— if you know what I mean.

 

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Send your husband sext messages ahead of time.  Say something like, If you do this to me tonight (fill in the blank), I’ll do (fill in the blank) for you tonight.

 

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Start a Sex Book Club just for the two of you.  Visit book stores together and purchase a different sex book once every other month or so.   Then schedule time to read the book together.  The point, of course, is to practice what you learn.

 

 

 

2 Comments

  1. My husband and I are both in our 60’s. At about 40, having a full and active love life, he began to loose the ability to stay erect. We thought it was because of the fact that he had acid re flux. Twenty years later, he cannot get an erection at all. And his male genitalia has shriveled. I would attempt to please him, but it makes me sad. We used to have a really wonderful sex life. We used to make love every day. I had said I love him through thick and thin, health and sickness. But I do miss it. is There hope for us?

  2. wow i have loved this site and got the answer to my question thanks.
    this juliet Manana married with two kids been having the same problem

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