Should Husband Defend Wife Against Insults

Question: My husbands sister for the first time threw about 5 verbal insults at me tonight. It started over her wrongly accusing me of saying that she could find a job but maybe not the job she would want to do. Actually I was saying that as a general comment on all people that are on unemployment for years and she took it from me as to mean only her!! And in no way was I saying it that way. So she proceeded to tell me I am stuck up, never really worked in my life(stay at home mother and helping my husband in his business with the book work), always have an attitude about when she talks about wealthy people?!? Which I have no clue what she means! This all happened in front of my son and his 2 young children which I feel bad for and his mother. I should have probably just stopped at the first sight of her feeling like a victim but I tried to defend myself that I did not mean it about her and it went on and on with her throwing insults and I thought I had to defend myself against them.

Anyway my husband knows she has a chip on her shoulder, & can't get along with people. He had to tell her to leave his business because she was causing problems at work. My problem is while she is throwing these insults at me, he did not defend or stand up for me at all. He stayed quiet. Later he said to me that maybe I'll learn the next time not to get in an argument with her. I do feel hurt that he just sat there and said nothing and I can't get him to see that at all! His mother was there at the time also and she just sat quietly too. Which I don't expect her to say anything. We have been married for 34 years and he is always quiet and says nothing when his family has problems.

Am I wrong that he could have at least said something to her about the insults she was throwing to me?


Answer: We believe there are three sides to every story; yours, your husband's, and of course God's. We were not privy to the conversation, so we must base our comments on what you have written. Based on what you have said, we believe all three of you could have handled things differently.

Let's begin with your husband. We personally believe husband's and wives should defend each other publicly if one of them is under verbal attack. So, with that being said, yes we feel your husband should have come to your defense. However, you said, "We have been married for 34 years and he is always quiet and says nothing when his family has problems." This gives us the impression that it is not out of character for your husband NOT to speak up in times of family conflict. If this is the case, why would you expect him to do anything differently? He's merely doing what he's always done. Has he ever come to your defense in past situations outside of family? If not, he may be the kind of guy that dislikes confrontation. These guys won't say anything because honestly, they don't know what to say. And in some cases, they don't want to risk losing the approval of the other person or people involved. Which could signal deeper problems related to self-esteem/self-confidence. But again, if this has been the norm, it shouldn't be a surprise to you. Going forward, you should establish guidelines just in case this happens again. We suggest you sit your husband down and talk to him calmly about the needs of a woman. One need every woman has is to feel protected. And so it is the job of the husband to create an atmosphere at home and within the relationship that causes the woman to feel protected. Explain to him that when he refuses to come to your defense, it makes you feel unprotected and vulnerable. It undermines the trust in your relationship. Trust of course, is foundational in marriage. You must know that he "has your back" and he must know that you have his. The two of you may also want to study our free Bible studies together, "What Your Wife Needs" and "What Your Husband Needs."


Now, regarding your sister in-law. She certainly could have responded differently by not verbally attacking you, but her behavior is not uncommon for someone who feels that he/she is being attacked. When a person feels that they are being threatened, their natural impulse is to fight back. And we can see why your sister-in-law felt attacked. Try looking at it from her standpoint for just a minute. Here's what you said, "Actually I was saying that as a general comment on all people that are on unemployment for years and she took it from me as to mean only her!!" Well, if you were talking about ALL people that are on unemployment, ALL people would include her, would it not? So, in essence you were talking about HER. Even though you were talking about everyone else on unemployment, that doesn't matter because you were also talking about her. Again, we are only going on what you have written.


Yes, every family has someone in their family who has a chip on their shoulder. However, most members of that family know the character of that person so well that they are careful about what they say and do when in the presence of that person. You said,"Anyway my husband knows she has a chip on her shoulder, & can't get along with people." Well, if your husband knows she has a chip on her shoulder, then that would mean you also know that she has a chip on her shoulder. So having said that, why even initiate or participate in a conversation about unemployment when she is unemployed and as you already established, has a chip on her shoulder?


You said, "I should have probably just stopped at the first sight of her feeling like a victim..." But we say, knowing her history and her current economic situation, why even go there to begin with? Why not just talk something else? Like the weather..."nice weather we're having lately isn't it?" (lol!)


But seriously, like we said, there are three sides to every story. Considering we were not there and are missing an enormous amount of details, we may be way off base.


But hopefully something we've said hits home and answers your question.


Thank you for visiting Christian Marriage Today. Please continue to visit our site for insight and inspiration for your marriage.


With Christ's Love,
Mike and Wanda

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