What am I to do about intimacy in my marriage? I am at a lost.

by Dee

Question: What am I to do about intimacy in my marriage? I am at a lost. My wife and I have been married for 11 years now, and for this whole time, we have struggled with intimacy problems. We are both saved, and are serving the Lord, and we've never had any issues of infidelity. She admits that the problem stems from her having a lack of physical, sexual desire. She does not have a desire to have sex, nor does she feel like sex is important in our marriage. Whenever we do have sex, which is about every other week mostly, but occasionally, once a week, it is because she knows that I'm frustrated, and it's usually after she's said no for several days. She finally says something like, "OK, let's just get this over with", or "OK, come on, I don't want you to be mad". Even then, she just mostly makes me do everything, without her responding much. Strangely enough, she does have an orgasm most of the time, and she says that she enjoys it after we get going. But, she just never wants to get started. We have struggled with this over and over and over, and we've prayed about it, talked about it, argued about it, etc., but nothing has changed.

Over these years, we have had two children, and we really do have a good marriage outside of this issue. We enjoy each other in every other way...we have fun together doing things non-sex related, we love spending time together, we can talk to each other about everything else...different challenges, work, friends, etc. We even talk about how we can be better husband and wife to each other and better support each other in both little and big ways...as long as the subject of sex doesn't come up.

Overall, our communication is pretty good. However, whenever the topic of sex comes up, it's like she becomes a totally different person. She immediately clams up, gets an upset or frustrated look on her face, and becomes basically non-responsive. It is like this whether it has been 2 days since we last had sex or 2 weeks. It seems as if it doesn't matter when I bring up sex, she's not in the mood for it, and she gets angry at me for bothering her about it. She's even said on occasion that she wishes I could just marry someone else, so that I can be happy in this area. She even says that maybe we should not have gotten married to start with.

She has said that she wants to have these feelings for me, but she just doesn't have them. She says that she's prayed about it for herself several times, and she's asked God to "give her a sexual desire for her husband". But, from what I can see, she hasn't even attempted to make any change, or to even try to do anything differently. When I ask her about maybe trying to plan a time for us to have sex, she never does it. I've asked her about maybe talking to our Pastor or our Pastor's wife, and she refuses to do that. She says "I don't want to". She won't agree to us going together to talk to our Pastor or anyone else either.

I really need to know what I am supposed to do. I love my wife, and I love our marriage, and I don't want another wife...I want her. Separation or divorce is not an option for me. So, am I supposed to just live with this problem because we are married? Or, am I to just forget about having sex, and suppress my desires until I no longer have them? (I just turned 39 and she's 38 by the way). Do I need to go to counseling in this area, even if she won't go? I really want to see a change, but its like she is just unwilling to do anything differently. Please help! Thank you, and God bless you.

Answer: Hello Dee, we sympathize with your situation but applaud your desire to find a solution rather than seeking to get out of your marriage. Your wife’s diminished sex drive could be caused by a medical condition. Some medical procedures have been reported to cause a decrease in libido i.e. hysterectomy and tubal ligation. There is also a disorder known as HSDD ( Hyposexual Desire Disorder) that causes a woman to have a low libido. You can read about it here:

Health Discovery

What should you do? We suggest your wife see a physician and have a few test performed to get to the bottom of her low sex drive. Once the doctor pinpoints the problem, he can prescribe the proper medication. If she prefers not to take medication, there are also natural remedies available for this problem. Here is one such product Native Remedies. And here is another, Provestra.


Of course, we recommend you pray prior to approaching your wife about any of this. Make sure you approach her from the standpoint of wanting your marriage to be the best it can be. Make sure you demonstrate more concern for her than you do yourself. Make sure she knows that you in no way blame her for any of this. In other words, don’t approach her with an “it’s all about me” attitude.

Here are some tips for Marriage Communication that may help you:

* Do pray before engaging in serious conversations
* Do be slow to speak but quick to listen
* Don't allow the emotions of your spouse to dictate your responses
* Don't allow your expectations to consume you
* Do give a soft answer
* Don't interrupt
* Don't be judgmental
* Do clarify what you thought you heard. Ex. "So what you're saying is..."
* Do be patient
* Don't allow your attention to drift
* Don't choose to talk when you or your partner are physically or mentally exhausted.


If you pray first, show genuine concern for her, and follow the tips above, she should be receptive.

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