What are the boundaries for criticizing, chastising or "getting on" your spouse

by Kelli Trice
(Riverside, CA)

Question: What are the boundaries for criticizing, chastising, or "getting on" your spouse? Wife in particular. I ask this because, periodically when I do something wrong, my husband lectures me as he would his 17 year old son. Example. We are in the process of trying to open a business. We have a location picked out and have already spoken with the person that is selling the building. I have never owned a business and this is totally over my head and is somewhat overwhelming and intimidating. Since this is my husbands dream I have done all I could do to help him.

Today we went to the Assessors office to find out about filing a fictitious business name. I had a question on the form, so my husband got up to ask an associate the question. in the meantime I was at the computer trying to pull up information on which names were not already used as a fictitious business name. Then he calls me over and says in front of the associate, "Get over here, you need to be asking these questions." So I got up and went over with him to ask. When we sat down he said. "I don't like when you do that, if you have a question, you need to get up and ask yourself and not get me to do it." I thought that this was a team effort.

Then on the form it asked for the business address and phone number. I looked in my notebook to look up the number and I knew I wrote it down, but couldn't find it. He commented that the way i have my notebook sectioned with blank pages in between is very unorganized and tacky. He asked if I had the address, and I failed to get the address for the location. I had everything else and not the address. It wasn't that I meant to leave out the address I just simply forgot to write it down. he said that it was a waste of time coming to the office if I don't have everything we need. He lectured me in the middle of the room about how to handle business and how I need to be thorough. There were two people on the other side and I'm quite sure they could hear. He asked, "You don't like to be criticized do you?" I said yes." He said "No you don't by the look on your face."

Should a husband or wife, talk to a spouse as if they are 17 or is there such thing as chastising or criticizing a spouse when they make a mistake or do something wrong?

In addition to this, I have a question regarding pornography and the marriage bed. I am not very experienced like my husband. I should be but I just missed out on the promiscuous side of things.

My husband has been encouraging me to watch porn and the HBO and Cinemax after dark shows to learn what women do and how to please their men.
I don't like porn. I never have and I never will. I will watch the late night shows to show interest but I don't want to. It's to only keep my husband happy that I am willing to watch something. He said that watching porn will help me in the bedroom.

My goal is to be a proverbs 31 woman. I don't think that acting like a porn star in bed is the answer. There is no love involved in porn.

I would like to feel really sexy for my husband but I can't compare to TV.
I wish there was a way for him to realize that porn is not the way. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should watch. Please help me on what to do.

Answer Hi Kelly: First we want to tell you that you are not stupid. Neither is it a sin not to be experienced in the area of sex. You didn't miss out on anything by choosing not to be promiscuous. It does not sound as if your husband is saved, so our first suggestion is that the two of you become involved at a local church and you begin praying for his salvation. Regarding criticism in marriage, it should never make the other spouse feel stupid, or disrespected. Neither should it be done in front of others as a way of causing embarrassment. This type of behavior only causes emotional damage to the other spouse. There is a way to offer constructive criticism and still leave the other person's dignity in tact.

We suggest you have a conversation with your husband about how his behavior makes you feel. Explain to him that if he will not extend grace to you when you make mistakes (which by the way, he makes too), then perhaps it would best if he took the lead in starting the business. If he doesn't want to take the lead and do the work involved, then simply put, stop complaining. You are not perfect and he should not expect you to be.

In response to your question about pornography, we encourage you to continue being a Proverbs 31 woman. Pornography is not of God and should not be used by Christians to enhance their sex lives. Read our answer to a visitor who had a similar question about pornography and erotica.

The Bible tells us to be imitators of Christ not imitators of the world. Your husband should love and accept you for who you are and that does not mean having you do things that make you uncomfortable or cause you pain. That simply is not the love of God.


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