Where do I start with my marriage issues?
by Anonymous
(UK)
Question: Basically I think my husband and I are so identical to each other that I feel we are not compatible. We do have a loads in common with each other, but because of my upbringing (living with a mum who had a mental illness, placed into foster care where my career had emotionally abused her foster kids making them feel worthless all the time), and not having a family to call my own, i.e. mum or father figure, I feel that to survive life up until marriage I have picked up a few male traits which are still a part of my personality.
I am saved and born again, and have been healed from many things in my life. However, I doubted for some time if he is truly saved and then had to repent as I felt I should not be the judge of that.
When it comes to, marriage, and life issues no matter how small or great he can't deal with it in a Christian way. He flips, gets angry, frustrated, and acts very immature in his mannerisms in the way he chooses to deal with things, he causes so much upset and grief, but he will not be the first to sit down and talk things through, it is always me. He'll sit there for the rest of the evening sulking like a kid...that is until I try to talk about things.
His parents are lovely and loving but also controlling, they are there for us, but they have also been the cause of a lot of problems we experienced when we came off honeymoon from Dominica republic. His father moved in with us and lived with us for eight months. I never agreed to the plan.
So we have had problems ever since, we never really bonded in the way I had hoped or dreamed about. When my father-in-law left, my husband became bitter towards me, and he simply replaces the absence of his father with his computers.
Now, I don't want him to touch me intimately most of the time so sex is almost off the list. I can't stand the sight of him at times, i think i am looking at a big child. It is weird because my husband is actually very upbeat, jolly, and energetic, and sociable. But at home, he is completely spiritually dead, emotionally dead, and selfish a lot of the times. It is really hard. And I am really tired, and hurt.
I just want him to tune in with reality. He doesn’t want marriage counseling, as he is worried about the cost and what others might think about us. Although we are involved with our church, unfortunately our pastor is not very approachable, and as we have just moved into a new area with not many lively Christian churches around we feel like we are also perplexed concerning our future Christian lives and the lives of our children. x
(this post has been edited in order to fit on the page) Answer The first thing we would like to suggest is that your family stays involved with a local church. The Pastor has a position of Shepherd over you. If you feel you can’t approach him, (and this may only be your perception) this is not good. You mentioned that there are no “lively” churches in the area to which you relocated. But do not let this deter you from finding a place where you can grow. The Bible says not to forsake the gathering together of the saints. You see, God did not intend for us to do life isolated. You guys need the support, encouragement, and spiritual covering provided by a local body of believers.
Secondly, I know you have a strong personality, but the Bible does not offer this as a stipulation for allowing your husband to lead you. You cannot override your husband’s decisions. If your husband makes a decision, you must allow him to do so without taking over. Yes, even if his decisions are not always good. Does that mean that you have no voice in the relationship? Not at all. The Bible says that husbands and wives are to submit one to another. So, this means your husband should welcome your opinions and counsel, but you must understand that the final decision is his.
We realize you have been praying to God to help you with submission. But the truth is, submitting is a decision you will have to make. It will require you to deny your flesh. Continue praying, pray for your husband daily and ask God to show you how to be the wife your husband needs. Also ask him to show you how to properly express to your husband what your emotional needs are. But make sure you don’t confuse your needs with your expectations. Expecting your husband to be someone other than himself is a recipe for disaster.
Your husbands desire not to go to counseling is not uncommon. Prayerfully, this year we will be releasing an online Christian marriage counseling alternative program. This will be very beneficial for your marriage. So, keep your eyes open for it. In the mean time, go to Free Bible Study Lessons and download the following free lessons and study them with your husband:
1.What Your Wife Needs
2.What Your Husband Needs
Be encouraged and know that all things are working together for your good according to the Word of God. Thank you for visiting our website. We love you and will be praying for you.
Be Blessed,
Mike and Wanda
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