Withholding Sex in Christian Marriage

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Withholding Sex in Christian Marriage

by Wanda Collins
(Christian Marriage Today)

Not Tonight Sweetie; I Have a Headache

Okay, my Christian sisters, are you guilty of withholding sex from your husbands when things don't go your way? If you are, you must resolve to stop this behavior immediately.

Here are a few reasons why:

First of all, this kind of behavior is not at all pleasing to your Heavenly Father. You see, the Word of God says in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that husbands and wives should not deprive each other from sex unless it's for the purpose of fasting and praying.

Secondly, withholding sex from your husband is a form of passive aggressive behavior. It's your attempt to punish him for something he did or did not do. It's your way of controlling your husband instead of submitting to your husband -- this is not good.

Finally my sister, if you are doing this, you are playing a dangerous game. Your husband will end up feeling angry, rejected, and undesired. Eventually, these feelings can create an open door for sexual sins such as pornography and adultery to enter into your marriage.

That's right, pornography and adultery. Wouldn't it be easier to just talk about whatever it is that has you so angry?

What are your thoughts?

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Withholding Sex in Christian Marriage

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Husband's Lack of Sex Drive
by: Anonymous

I suggest you sit down and discuss this openly with your husband. Even if past attempts have failed. Gently let him know how important intimacy is to your relationship. Not only that, how much you miss being with him. This is a very delicate situation, so you must be sure to handle it delicately. Be careful not to wound his ego. Your husband may be using the children to cover up a bigger problem. Something he is too embarrassed to talk about.

If your husband has not had his annual physical, suggest he go and have a complete work up done. He may have erectile dysfunction or a hormonal imbalance. It is not uncommon for a man's testosterone levels to be low. Once the two of you have ruled out any and all physical ailments that could be contributing to his lack of interest, the next step would be a mental and emotional check. To really get to the bottom of the problem, the two of you should probably seek out a qualified sex therapist.

But it all starts with a conversation. May I also suggest you preface your conversation with a few days of prayer before approaching your husband on this matter. A marriage should not be child centered, but rather Christ-centered. This ensures each party unselfishly serves the other. And it ensures that the children have a healthy marriage to model.

I'll be praying for you.

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Submitted by: Anonymous

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I suggest you sit down and discuss this openly with your husband. Even if past attempts have failed. Gently let him know how important intimacy is to your relationship. Not only that, how much you miss being with him. This is a very delicate situation, so you must be sure to handle it delicately. Be careful not to wound his ego. Your husband may be using the children to cover up a bigger problem. Something he is too embarrassed to talk about. If your husband has not had his annual physical, suggest he go and have a complete work up done. He may have erectile dysfunction or a hormonal imbalance. It is not uncommon for a man's testosterone levels to be low. Once the two of you have ruled out any and all physical ailments that could be contributing to his lack of interest, the next step would be a mental and emotional check. To really get to the bottom of the problem, the two of you should probably seek out a qualified sex therapist. But it all starts with a conversation. May I also suggest you preface your conversation with a few days of prayer before approaching your husband on this matter. A marriage should not be child centered, but rather Christ-centered. This ensures each party unselfishly serves the other. And it ensures that the children have a healthy marriage to model. I'll be praying for you.

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My husband just doesnt come on to me sexually
by: Anonymous

I have to initiate everything and sometimes he doesnt even get an erection. I know that he loves me and is not cheating (I really know this. He is a really nice guy and loves the kids but that's all he really wants to talk about. We can not have 1 decent conversation without him getting on the subject of the kids. I want to talk about us sometimes but he thinks that people who want that are not child centered and shouldn't have kids. Our kids are 19,17,16,12 and 9. Are they still an excuse not to send time with me or find me attractive. He has a vasectomy so its clearly not the fear of having more kids. When we met I had just gotten over a bad marriage and I had the 3 oldest already. I feel like he really fell in love with being a father to the little babies and not being a husband to me.
WHat should I do?

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Husband withholds sex
by: Anonymous

My husband with holds sex in our marriage. It's been two years since we had sex. It was never really great, but I felt reassured when we'd did have sex & we had children. I was a virgin when we married, and bought the Christian line 'why have hamburger now, when you can have steak later' in other words, you'll have a great sex life if you wait. This wasn't true & it's really awful, unscriptural teaching. You can't promise young people great married sex, any more than you can promise rewarding employment or that they'll never experience the heartbreak of miscarriage.
My heart is broken daily by my husband's rejection.

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Husband withholds sex
by: Anonymous

My husband with holds sex in our marriage. It's been two years since we had sex. It was never really great, but I felt reassured when wd did have sex & we had children. I was a virgin when we married, and bought the Christian line 'why have hamburger now, when you can have steak later' in other words, you'll have a great sex life if you wait. This wasn't true & it's really awful, unscriptural teaching. You can't promise young people great married sex, any more than you can promise rewarding employment or that they'll never experience the heartbreak of miscarriage.
My heart is broken daily by my husband's rejection.

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Response to Never Withhold Sex
by: Min. Wanda

You said you feel like a piece of meat when you give in to your husband's sexual desires and your own emotional needs have not been met. You asked if this was normal.

I would have to say "yes" it is normal. As you already know, men and women have totally different needs. As women, we must feel loved and appreciated before we can engage in sex. But men are the opposite...they must have sex in order to feel loved and appreciated.

But marriage is a two-way street, not a one-way. Therefore, sex should be just as enjoyable for the wife as it is for the husband. Each person should be willing to meet the needs of the other.

My recommendation is that you talk to your husband and share your heart with him. Tell him how much better it would make you feel if he first engaged you emotionally (Give him a few suggestions). Let him know that not only would it make you feel better, but it would ultimately make you desire him even more!

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Never withold sex
by: Anonymous

Wow, I think what you have is amazing! and it might take some of us a little longer to get to where you are to be completley surrendered to your husbands every sexual desire. I'd love that.
It might be a little harder if you have a brood of young kids, or a partner who dislikes talking things through or being effectionate, or you might even have a medical condition. Unfortunately for me I have all the above and find myself physically exhausted most of the time and emotionally starved. How do I surrender then, unfortunatley one of my problems is that If my husband hasn't engaged with my emotions before we make love, I feel like a peace of meat afterwards...is this normal?
If my hubby realised that being affectionate, showing me and telling me he loves me, I'd be more welcoming to his advances.

I'm very unhappy about it but I'm guilty.

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Good
by: Ms.Tally

Good Points ladies!

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never withhold sex
by: Anonymous

ladies love your husbands unconditionally with everything ounce of your being. Never withhold the opportunity to share yourself with your husband. Your body should belong to him as his to you. You are only asking for trouble in your marriage if you withhold any part of you. Tell him your every thought, inner feeling and hurt. My marriage is sexually healthy and the tie that keeps us one. I love my husband and I surrender to his every desire.

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Light Bulb Moment
by: Tammie

Okay, so I never thought about the fact that doing this could cause my husband to fall into things like pornography or adultery. That's something to think about -- a light bulb moment for me.

Thanks

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Withholding Sex - Not the American Way
by: Anonymous

I don't think it's the American Way as Nikos implied, I think it's a matter of women needing more emotional stimulation when it comes to sex. I mean I don't know many women (myself included), who are hot and ready for sex following an argument or if her home is in chaos. I know what the Bible says about not denying your spouse sex. And I do believe it can lead to other problems. But I think it's the way we're made. Have I done it? yes. But I can honestly say that it was because my emotional needs were not being met.

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American Way
by: nikos

I have been married for 25 years. Wife stop sex with me for 3 years.We start fighting she moves to another bedroom and I start going out.
after one more year we divorce.

Boy did she grab my attention.

Good luck every body

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Me Too!
by: Gina

Kathy,

You're not alone on this one. I've done this a number of times with my husband. The thing I never thought about before reading this is how this can lead to pornography or adultery. It's definitely an open door for the enemy when your husband feels his needs aren't being met.

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I'm Guilty
by: Kathy

Okay, I'll admit I'm guilty of this but sometimes it seems as though it's the only way I can get my husband to listen to me, or take me seriously. I honestly feel like I'm condoning or saying I agree with him when I have sex with him when deep down inside I'm still upset over something that happened earlier. I know I should just talk about it but it's just so hard sometimes. Anyway, thanks for the reminder that this is not God's way.