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Withholding Sex in Christian Marriage

by Wanda Collins
(Christian Marriage Today)

Not Tonight Sweetie; I Have a Headache

Not Tonight Sweetie; I Have a Headache

Okay, my Christian sisters, are you guilty of withholding sex from your husbands when things don't go your way? If you are, you must resolve to stop this behavior immediately.

Here are a few reasons why:

First of all, this kind of behavior is not at all pleasing to your Heavenly Father. You see, the Word of God says in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that husbands and wives should not deprive each other from sex unless it's for the purpose of fasting and praying.

Secondly, withholding sex from your husband is a form of passive aggressive behavior. It's your attempt to punish him for something he did or did not do. It's your way of controlling your husband instead of submitting to your husband -- this is not good.

Finally my sister, if you are doing this, you are playing a dangerous game. Your husband will end up feeling angry, rejected, and undesired. Eventually, these feelings can create an open door for sexual sins such as pornography and adultery to enter into your marriage.

That's right, pornography and adultery. Wouldn't it be easier to just talk about whatever it is that has you so angry?

If you think your lack of sexual desire could be related to a physical condition, then you should seek professional help.





What are your thoughts?



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Withholding Sex in Christian Marriage

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Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Lonely
by: Anonymous

It is actually the other way around where my husband withholds sex from me. He doesn't seem interested and would rather be doing other things. 1 Corinthians 7 is very clear on spouses not keeping their bodies from one another unless it is due to prayer. I feel so discouraged and lonely.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Whats sex and Intimacy?
by: Anna

I'll try to keep this short ! We've been married 40 plus years and in all those years we only had sex or any kind of intimacy was on our wedding night. And as of today nothing has changed.When the I DO's were done and the wedding night was over then nothing. He said he was never interested in sex, he thought it was boring and disgusting. I asked what about me I have needs and want kids. That opened a can of worms. He just said I've done my part and you can do what ever you want. And as far as kids go not from him. We have lived in the same but I up stairs him down stairs.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		sounds familiar
by: Anonymous

Unfortunately, my wife and I were not celibate before our marriage but sex was much better then. We have been married for seven years. I have felt like I am begging her for it and very rarely getting it the entire time.

I can't remember the last time she initiated intimacy, even a kiss. I can't remember the last time she apologized first. I can't remember the last time she told me she loved me without it being a response or just to call to see what I am up to.

I know that Ephesians 5:25 says that I should love her as Christ loved the church and that implies that I should show the patience of the Lord when trying to communicate my pain on this topic. However, I am not the Lord. I am not Jesus. I am a fallible fallen man and I honestly don't know if I can wait any longer. Seven years of pity sex has left me feeling unloved, undesired, and used. I have no idea what a whore would feel like but I imagine it is something like this.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		A Wife that is Deprived of Sex and LOVE
by: GD

Please read my comment that I wrote earlier about my situation for the past almost 3yrs now.
I just need to talk to other wives in similar situations and I need someone who truly understands how I feel, and somehow we could help each other by providing support and prayer

Please email me at gd_9@yahoo.com.
Thank you.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Love one another
by: Anonymous

1john discusses in length and numerous times about loving God yet hating our brother or sister. He goes on to say that you cannot proclaim to love God and hate someone....therefore we hate our Father! As couples we have become united and one in Christ. When our spouse checks out and has no love for us he or she is disappointing God. They are rejecting him in more than one way; the vows of marriage, submissiveness, disobedience,resentful.......the list is long. We cannot confront our spouse with what is written. We can only pray that God will change their heart. The deeds of the flesh are evident in our spouse yet again we must continue to walk with the spirit to avoid the flesh. I hurt for every couple going through this. Know that God is there beside us comforting us. It may seem unbearable at times....think of how unbearable the pain was for Jesus before he was nailed on the cross and while he was nailed and finally hanging there on the cross. Dying for us so that we can come back to our Father in heaven....there we will have no more hurt no more rejection no more tears! Be faithful, be obedient, be patient.....the best is yet to come!!! Praise God!;)
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Commenting on what to do
by: Anonymous

Sounds like your husband is a lot like my wife!!!! It is written that marriage is a "gift" from God! He is happy when the two people he joined as one are in unity! Holding back from your spouse is not what makes our Father happy! He tells us that marriage is not simply sex, but to be physically with one another to keep Satan from driving a wedge between the married couple. Excuses for not wanting to be intimate with your mate is sinful. Any command in the bible is exactly that! So what do we do? Pray that our great Father in heaven can soften their hearts. We must be patient because love is patient. In Romans 8 Paul talks about the trials and the difficult times we must face......God sees all and records our good behavior! We will be rewarded for our obedience! In closing.....I too would love to be able to love my wife and allow the Holy Spirit to move through us to have the most incredible love session ever! And give God all the glory after.....until then I hold fast to our Father and know that He comforts me and will never forsake me! He will always be with me until that day comes when I get to see His face and hope to hear Him say....."WELL DONE MY SON!" amen
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		The opposite
by: Anonymous

I am in my late 20s, he is mid 40s, I look pretty good, I cook, clean, take care of the kids, We have enough money so he only works few hours a week. But when the tiem comes he is always tired, it is too late or he is watching tv. I got tired of asking and feeling rejected. I do anything I mean whatever he wants in bed. But again that is not enough. We have that study Love languages, he knows mine is physical touch, if he would kiss me and hug me a lot I would not feel the need pf sex that often (every other day)but I may get a good morning kiss once or twice a week. Sometimes he would want to do a quickie right after lunch while I am still cleaning the dishes so he can take a nap better. It last no longer than 5 min, hurts and don't even get a kiss or a nice word.
I cry every night, my pastors at church cant help in fact no pastor in the whole town can help us(it is complicated but they just cant help)
What can i do? I have been praying for 2 years and the situation just gets worst. I have these thoughts about leaving my family having an affair or even killing myself (not that I would do these things but I hate that I think about them)
I still love him and I know he does too.
Rating
starstarstarstar 		The Marriage equation
by: Anonymous

Were marriage an equation, sex would be an important component. If sex were removed from the equation of marriage marriage I'm afraid would cease to exist. No man would ever agree to take part in the institution of marriage except that he believed sex to be a vital element of that union. It is I'm afraid the payoff as well as the adhesive of oneness without which as you can see from these posts there are only varying degrees of dissatisfaction, disillusionment, and disenchantment.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Porn Addition is Nothing Compared to...
by: PC

...TV addiction!

My wife will choose TV over sex any day of the week!

I feel like I'm breaking the 10th Commandment when I look at porn - but that's a whole lot better than breaking the 7th Commandment!

I've had endless discussions with my wife about how important sex is to me - to no avail. She's asleep in front of the TV as I type this. No kids home tonight, and she was off today. I had to stop and pick up dinner because she was watching TV all day.

The doctor has offered her medication to increase her libido, but she has refused.

I've explained to her that there is this enormous distraction in my life (urge for sex), that can be satiated - takes about 20 minutes 3 times a week. Not her problem I guess! One hour a week is just too much time to spare on making her husband happy!

She's even gone so far as to complain about me "relieving" myself.

I've found over the years that my father, favorite uncle, grandfathers and father-in-law have all been unfaithful. I couldn't believe it when I found out, but now I understand what happened to them.

I am far from the perfect husband (you won't see me casting the first stone), but if somebody told me I could exponentially increase my wife's happiness in just 60 minutes a week - I'd be all over it!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Get Real past the COE
by: Anonymous

Who are you addressing, pre-schoolers. What a lame, non-definitive statement. What if you are the husband of a woman who showed all the signs of a person having an affair. Then, for the past four years has no desire for anyone? She tells me that, as soon as I can buy her a new house, her desire for sex might come back. Why don't you put some teeth into you liturgical crap and address the big bad ugly world.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		HUSBANDS NEED TO UNDERSTAND THEIR WIVES EMOTIONS.
by: Anonymous

Been married for 12 years. Husband always intentionally worked away to avoid and emotional responsibility to my 2 young sons from previous marriage.

Kept all his £50k a year wages to himself, and gave me weekly spending money of £35.00. Went on solo holidays (while supposedly at work)without informing me.

Was never emotionally supportive to either me or my boys (one of which had insulin dependant diabetes.

When he came home at weekends he wanted sex with absolute disregard to my feelings and what I had been through with caring for boys etc. (He would say - yes but they are not my kids!) and if I did not have sex with him he would then make me feel guilty by ranting on about how he is paying the household bills etc.

I am a Christian wife and a long-suffering one at that. Husband is a total android when it comes to emotions. A lot of the time I would just cry myself to sleep after he had sex with me. I used to tell him that I did not want to - but that he just could help himself, and he did and he loved it!

Husbands need to realise that women have different sexual needs that are more emotional based than physical like her husbands. They need to feel loved, safe, and respected.

The worst thing about my husband is - is that I can't even hold his hand without him being aroused! There has never been any moments where he has just held me etc, every time I have been affectionate towards him - it has just been one big green light that says 'GO SEX'.

My husband refuses to address the problem - hence he is sex starved and I just feel emotionally abused and neglected.

He has qouted all the scriptures re. wives submitting to husbands sexually etc.

But husbands also need to love their wives like Jesus loves the Church.

Al as I want is love and affection and not being paid lip-service to, but my husband is the type that 'wants to have his cake and eat eat'. Wants a wife just for sex.

He may as well have just got himself a housekeeper with sex thrown in and paid her minimum wages!

The worst thing about this marriage is that my boys have suffered emotionally too, by this robot that just came home at weekends and said 'Hello, and goodnight!'
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Help
by: JB

My wife and I have been married 6 years and have 3 beautiful girls. We have had sex only once in the last 4 years. I tried to talk to her about it and she just told me that she hopes my penis falls off. We are Christian and I don't know what to do. Divorce is not an option for the sake o my children. I feel hurt, rejected, angry, and bitter.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		You believe the bible or you don't
by: Anonymous

There is simply no excuse you can make for holding back sex without agreement. Specifically mentioned are fasting and praying. NOTHING ELSE - ZIP, ZERO, NADA.

Of course a couples can come an agreement: illness, stress, time blah blah blah.

Notice what is not there mentioned EMOTIONS, HEADACHE, ATTRACTION, BOREDOM etc... There must be an agreement for any of that. If there is not then you're holding back. That is opening your marriage for trouble. You are driving a wedge in your marriage and there is not biblical justification for doing so. I don't make the rules talk to the man upstairs. But we know there will be consequences - cheating, divorce, stress. If you don't like the way men are wired sexually - again talk to the man upstairs.

You need to work it out. But hearing these excuses that just don't exist are just that. There is no justification PERIOD. Sorry if that hurts your feelings, sorry if you find that blunt. But you have to accept on faith if need be - that's the truth because that's what the bible says.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Compatibility
by: Anonymous

People change and there in lies the problem. My wife has slowly evolved to a person who only has sex( not even making love anymore) as a duty, and lately she has decided that her duties are only to occur every 10 days or so and only if the timing is right. Hit the wrong time and it can be 3 weeks between sessions. While that is a problem, the earlier statement of sex vs. making love is even worse. There is no connection. Her involvement could be replaced with a mattress. She refuses to take part, she covers her face with her pillow and asks if I'm done yet. For her, once she climaxes, the session should end, too bad. She refuses to participate in oral or manual stimulation unless she is the recipient. We have gone to Christian classes dealing with sex in the marriage, but I am done with them as I only get more frustrated knowing how things could or should be.

What she does not understand is the emotional toll it takes on me, I have questioned our marriage, my faith, and even the value of my life. It causes stress in our family,is on the verge of ending our marriage, and has effected my relationship with my children. If I bring it up I hear the same thing...."it's always about sex", I guess I need to respond "yes".
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Seriously?
by: Richard

I read these comments from women acting as if they are the only ones mufti-tasking these days and busy. I love God and my wife and family dearly and as a 21st Century husband and father I not only work full-time and travel, but clean the house regularly, pay all the bills, bathe and put the kids to bed, fix everything, etc, etc. So BIG deal. I still am willing and able to make time for my wife whenever I can and prioritize her over my "to-do" list. Women, you rob yourselves and your husband of a great blessing by pulling the "give us a break, we're exhausted" card. You do what you want to do, including watch TV and reading Cosmo. Dare yourself to give into your husband's advances once a week and STICK to it with a GOOD attitude and you'll be amazed at how much you enjoy it and how much closer you and your hubby will be. Husbands, be nice outside the bedroom and read up a bit on being a good lover with good hygiene and be a God-fearing leader. Geeze, this is such a tool of the enemy to drive Christian couples to sin and divorce-- it's ridiculous.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Respect is a two way street!!
by: Anonymous

"Respect
by: Anonymous

The husband cannot withhold emotionally from his wife either. That is a sin, too. I think that the men and women have to really respect each other, or sex won't be God-pleasing. From a woman's point of view:

Why would I want to have sex with my husband if he doesn't respect me outside the bedroom?"

I lost respect for my wife when she withheld herself from me sexually and other wise. Such as excuses for cancelling lunch and other times together that wouldn't end in sex. When your wife has time for every other thing other than her husband it's hard to have respect. How about the women who withhold emotionally from their man???
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Re: Can we just be old now?
by: Min. Wanda

I love what you have to say! Although this article is not about the aging but rather those who intentionally withhold sex, I appreciate your valuable insight.

Be blessed!
Wanda
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Can't we just be old now?
by: Anonymous

OK ladies, we've been married 33 years and are both approaching 60 years old. We had some red hot moments back in the day, but that was then and this is now. We are not angry, bitter, upset or anything like that. In fact, we love each other dearly and know we always will. But we never have sex anymore.

Honestly, when my husband started to need pills to make it happen, sort of, I was hugely relieved. When we learned the pills may aggravate his existing propensity for glaucoma, that was it. Sometimes this stuff really can cause blindness!

We are content to cuddle together at night. We continue to share the same bed, enjoy the sparkle in each other's eyes and love to hold hands during long walks in the woods.

There is a huge population of older Christians who are beyond child bearing and love making years who squirm whenever this subject comes up. I understand we are all told we are expected to be making love 2 X week until death do us part, but honestly, I doubt that is really happening. I think it would be helpful to start an honest conversation in the Christian community and admit that there are many happily married older Christian couples who express their deep love in ways other than sex.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Respect
by: Anonymous

The husband cannot withhold emotionally from his wife either. That is a sin, too. I think that the men and women have to really respect each other, or sex won't be God-pleasing. From a woman's point of view:

Why would I want to have sex with my husband if he doesn't respect me outside the bedroom?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		GUILT AND HURT
by: Anonymous

My wife has been like this on and off for the 30 years we have been married- I am TOTALLY depressed and I am tired of having to relieve myself like a 12 year old boy. It doesn't help that I am a Catholic- I had one affair and I didn't enjoy it and she knows about it anyway. I am lucky if we do it once a month she always blames it on being tired etc. I know she has health issues (so do I) but she used to be skinny and dress up nice and all that gradually changed after we got married. I get really depressed and angry sometimes I just want to end it all as its too painful and pointless.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Unsure of what to do
by: Anonymous

I feel for everyone who has posted as I am married 10 years now and have been sent to the spare room as I snore. My child of 6 sleeps in my spot. Sex happens around once a month or less and it's pretty one sided and it's obviously done on her side as a sense of duty. I fight rejection constantly and feelings of making another plan. I don't want to as I love her but it's starting to drive me insane . I have discussed it many times but she says she wants it to happen properly but she is generally to tired after her day . She does not work but does housework and general chores with my child. I work a 12 hour day but I can still manage. We are in our early forties and are both in good health. We are both Christians and she knows what the bible says about the lack of it and the inherent problems it can cause. I try to communicate and meet her emotional needs as best as I can as well as take good care of her financially. Living alone in the spare room is liken to Chinese torture as she takes my child to bed around 08:30 pm and that's the end of that. After lots of hints and sometimes a bit of begging it will happen. Life sucks!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		@GD
by: Min Wanda

@GD:

For you and anyone else experiencing sexual dysfunction, the key is to get help as soon as possible. It sounds as if your husband may have become addicted to pornography during your pregnancy. Pornography is like cancer. Once it gets a hold of you, it slowly spreads and begins to corrode other areas of your life. It is not uncommon for someone who is addicted to pornography to detach from physical intimacy. And unfortunately, this has become a widespread problem in Christian homes.

As stated, the key is to get help soon. start by putting your bitterness and anger away and having a open conversation with your husband. Pray and ask God to help you before you talk to him. Tell him that under no uncertain terms, he has got to get help because this is not God's best for his life or yours. Recommend he seek counseling to uncover the root of his problem.


Here are a few books and other resources that may be able to help:

Recovering from pornography

Christians and Porn

Secret Sexual Sins: Understanding a Christian's Desire for Pornography

How to End Pornography Addiction

Pornography may just be part of your husband's problem. Therefore, the best solution is to see a counselor.

Stay focused on Christ as difficult as it may be. Christ can provide all that you need. He loves you unconditionally and has already affirmed your worth when He died on the cross for you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and the apple of God's eye. Keep your eyes on him and trust him to walk you through this. Ask him for wisdom and he will give it to you.

Love in Christ,
Min Wanda
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		@It's scary
by: Min. Wanda

@It's scary: Having your spouse purposely withhold sex can be extremely frustrating. But it seems that your frustration has gotten the best of you. Hitting your wife, pushing, shaking, or grabbing are all unacceptable responses to her behavior and could land you in prison. At this point, it is obvious that the two of you need outside intervention. Thus, I'd like to offer three solutions:

1. Find a sex counselor in your area and TELL your wife that the two of you must go to counseling. Don't present this as an option but rather in a no alternative style.


2. If your wife refuses professional counseling, make an appointment for the two of you to meet and talk with your pastor or minister.


3. If your wife refuses counseling period, then go alone.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Wife witholding sex
by: Anonymous

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and have 2 beautiful children. Our sex life was great for the first 3 years but the last 6 have been hell. She feels as though we are not emotionally connected because we work so much so she doesn't want to have sex with a stranger. I admit we both work long hours but I have always been a loving husband who maybe hasn't been the most romantic. I have tried to change my ways and plan date nights, clean and cook, look after the kids and give her time outside the home whenever she needs it. Nothing is working. I am now on the verge of moving to another bedroom so I won't be put in the position of being rejected anymore. Temptation to have an affair or look at porn is becoming increasingly difficult. I need help!!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Its scary
by: Anonymous

I am 28 years old,3 months in marriage. If i don't initiate sex then my wife will never do it and each time I initiate its a battle, I love my wife very much but at times I am made to regret marrying cos there's nothing as painful as denial coming from your love one. Yesterday is denied me after 1 month of no sex, I was angered. I laid my hands on her. I am so bitter, don't know what to do. Our marriage is so new but its starting like this.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Ok - the truth now...
by: Anitra

For any of the lovely ladies here feeling 'cheap' or 'mauled' just because your husband (makes you feel) a certain way touching you, or focusing on one aspect of your body, etc. Keep in mind one thing. God made us different, so that we could complete the other.

Like it or not, men 'love us' by what they SEE in us. God above is responsible for this - think about it.

Today's world is soo screwed up; so it's not surprising women now feel they have to be 'strong', or make men out to be somehow chavanist merely to justify their own lack of submissiveness. It's desctuctive, and heresy to the Word of God.

This, in and of itself is what the CMT article is attempting to explain... Man will ALWAYS look at other women walking by. And frankly, it doesn't help. This is a fact. But to somehow claim he doesn't deserve his wife for rediculous reasons, when we CHOSE to marry him is a sin. Plain and simple.

If a woman (or man) is witholding, sex the marriage is sadly - usually over; as per Corinthians (yet can be saved minus PRIDE) and here's why.. Why would the loving God above say adultry is 'wrong' yet defrauding the other 'justifiable' to the woman or man guilty of such withholding?! I've been brought up to believe a sin is a sin.

Look, life is too short. Accept our differences. Men WANT their wives! That's why they SEE us the way they do (and want their WIVES)! Not that person in the mall, or photo on the computer.

But if we cut them off, re-read this article and think about it some more.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		@BlessedMaria
by: Min. Wanda

@BlessedMaria: Thank you for sharing on our message board. Please don't be offended by my comments, but you do not seem to be grounded in the Word of God. The reason I say this is because you are allowing others to dictate to you what to do in your bedroom versus following what God says. Although, we'd like to believe that our parents know best, we must align our lives up with the Word of God, no exceptions. Your mom's advice regarding not performing oral sex on your husband but expecting that he perform it on you was wrong. Marriage is suppose to be a replica of the relationship that Christ has with the church, it's selfless-- not selfish. I admonish you to get into the Word of God and find out for yourself what God's plan for marriage really is. I'm not inclined to get into a discussion of whether "Chastity" is right or wrong but I will simply say this, study God's Word, and then align your life with God's Word and you will not be deceived by things that sound and seem right. Even things that others have suggested or are doing themselves. Let the Word of God be your guide at all times.

Blessings
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Feeling Lonely and Unwanted
by: Anonymous

I am a Christian woman that has been dealing with a sexual problem with my husband for the 20 1/2 that we have been married. For the first 10-13 years I was able to overlook it by getting into my word, praying etc.but when I hit 50 the switch went on. I tried with everything I knew to get him to get the help that he needed but to no avail. Now that I have an interest in someone else (and I know in my Father in Heaven eyes this is wrong) I ask Jesus to help me every day to get over this man. But I have been so lonely for so long until I don't love my husband the way a wife should love him. I have spent night after night crying and praying for the Lord to take away something that He gave us that was natural and it is still going on. I just want to get out of this marriage and live my life with Christ and if He sends me someone else that would be find. I really do not want to spend the rest of my life alone whatever time the Lord is merciful to extend to me. I do have someone else that I adore.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Chastity as a virtue
by: BlessedMaria

My husband and I have been married 12 years. We were both chaste before marriage and, for the first around 3 years, our love life was marvelous. I was raised in a fairly strict household compared to my husband, and because of the self-respect my mother helped instil in me, I learned that there are some things good women, especially good Christian women, just should not do. At first, my husband wanted me to "go down" on him, and he was good-natured about my absolute refusal to do so. But as we passed the three year mark and I still refused, he started to withhold something from me: going down on ME. My mother had raised me to truly believe that women should be loved this way, and so I had come to expect it. Yes, I know, it's a double-standard, but this is what I had always considered to be the natural order of things. Yes, I know, "obey your husband", but it can only go so far. From year 3 to only about a year ago, our sex life had become a back-and-forth of withholding, and neither of us was happy about it. While searching for info on chastity in Christian marriage on the Web, I accidentally came across a Web site (web address removed) that, at first, appalled my Christian sensibilities. Basically, it's all about how male chastity (using a device and all!) could actually be good for a relationship. I couldn't believe people in this day and age were talking about such a thing. But I admit it, the devil got the best of me and tempted me to keep reading. Or at least I thought it was the devil at first. Since then, I have come to recognize the Lord?s clever hand. The insight into the potential benefits of male chastity became so clear. I even took a leap of faith and bought the book. It explains everything in a wonderful way that was truly non-threatening, even to someone with my background. I introduced the idea to my husband one night (just like that, and believe me, I was scared!). But I was pleasantly surprised to find out how curious he was to try it. And we did. It has been about a year now, and all I can say is that male chastity saved our blessed Christian marriage. He loves me like he did in the beginning, and has become even more devoted to our marriage. I never have to ?go down? on him, ever, and he is always so kind to me. Neither of us feels uncomfortable in this new dynamic, and we both feel so much closer now. Although I let him out once every few months, I have to admit that keeping him in there permanently has created quite a new spark in our marriage. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe I'm not the only Christian woman in the world who has tried this (the Web site says I'm not). Have any of you out there tried this out? I feel so alone and would love to discuss it with someone else who has gone down this divine path.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Fabio
by: Min. Wanda

If you have already tried counseling, and other resources but are still experiencing the same problem, my suggestion would be to see a medical professional. While there are emotional and psychological reasons for low libido, there are also a variety of medical reasons why a persons libido could decrease. Talk to your wife about getting a physical. During the exam her doctor can test her for a variety of things that may be linked to her low sex drive.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		We do it 1 to 3 times a month tops and I have a body like Fabio, What gives?!
by: Anonymous

This is a great website and I'm glad we're not alone. My wife and I have been married over a decade. My wife and I were both sexually active prior to marriage. She blames that past sin for her low sexual desire throughout our marriage. We make love one to three times a month. We are in our mid thirties now, the kids are grown and there are no distractions other than my wife's love for TV at night. I have never been unfaithful, but porn was and has been an occasional temptation when the sex was lacking. I do not want porn and have abstained from it as much as possible and have planned for no more internet or e-mail after 8pm to ensure I don't give in to temptation. All I want is my wife, but she lacks desire. When we do have bouts of sexual intimacy they are for 3 days tops and then there is another cold spell. It is so frustrating as we only start to get into a rhythm of frequent sex before it's all over. A month could go by and I do not feel connected to her. I am reading the bible and praying daily and my walk with God has never been better, but there is no improvement in the area of the bedroom. I sometimes imagine separating but I know that will only cause more issues. An affair is not an option. We have tried counseling, Christian couples books, learning each-others love languages, dating, pillow talk, but sex still remains infrequent. I am fit like a bodybuilder, have a great career, spend time with my kids, I even do most of the chores, except I can't touch my wife's cooking. She is blessed with that talent. What am I doing wrong? Prayers and advice would be appreciated.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		horrified
by: Anonymous

Hi! Jesus said, if you love me, you will obey what I command. The command in the scripture truly does say, Do not deprive each other, except for a time, by mutual consent, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer and fasting. It doesn't come down to whether or not you feel loved by your spouse. It is your choice whether you obey God or not. I have failed in many ways as a wife. My husband is a sex addict, and because I was trying to help him resist temptation, and because I love him and because sex is fun, we would have sex basically daily, or sometimes every three days, for the entire duration of our marriage (except after childbirth and when he worked away for over a week at a time). The devil is working 24/7 to tempt us with lust, porn, adultery. He hates marriage. To be so cold hearted and cruel as to deny your spouse of sex when they want to feel loved and accepted by you is just sin! Jesus didn't feel very loved by sinners but He loved. We are called to love the way Jesus loved, are you willing to show love even when you don't feel loved in return by the closest person to you? There is no fear needed here, the more you obey God, the more love you feel. I read some of your posts, and I am so sad for all of what you have been through it's just so awful. I thank you all who chose to be faithful despite such cruelty from your spouses in this area. You are an inspiration. A good book is the Love Dare if any of you haven't read it and gone through it yet. It helped me to love my spouse in spite of the most severe rejection. The only way we can have good marriages is if we truly lay down our lives for Jesus and fulfill the Great Commission. If your spouse is backslidden and being cruel, show them the love of Christ in action. It is the kindness of the Lord that leads men to repentance. Of course if you feel that your spouse is going to try to kill you, or there are horrific abuses going on, get help, but please, obey His commands to love each other. So many people out there are desperate for a spouse, and for loving sex, please be kind to each other and give yourselves to each other even when you don't feel like it. Never repay evil for evil, or insult for insult.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Deprived of love and Sex
by: --GD

I've been married 7yrs - 1st year there was sex, than after that I had to initiate every time - come to find out he is into Porno and seems to prefer that fantasy world over me. I had my daughter 2.5 yrs ago and we haven't had any sort of intimacy at all since. I get one kiss in the morning and one at night. I feel so deprived and lonely in this marriage. Now I am feeling bitter and hatred towards him - I feel we are from 2 different worlds. I have made a mistake giving up my life and making so many sacrifices and marrying him. He is depriving me of Love - how could anyone be so cruel. I had so many men in love with me, said I was beautiful and exotic .. men that I walked away from - thought I was marrying a God-fearing, humble man who would make a great husband. But that is not the case - i was deceived. Now, I feel I am stuck in this marriage, feeling unattractive, .. my self-respect, confidence, happiness walked out the door. Only thing that makes me happy is my baby.. she is everything to me.. but every time I ask myself..am I going to live the rest of my life with this man? It literally makes me sad and breaks my heart. I don't know what to do, as I don't believe in a Divorce. At times I am tempted to fulfill my desires and be satisfied .. But it's against the Christian ways. What do I do?
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starstarstarstarstar 		Husband Withholding Sex
by: Anonymous

I found out that a if a husband withholds sex in the marriage it is because he may have some things going on with him in his mind. It is the wife's job to make sure her husband is where he should be. If you are not reverencing your husband as the Word says than it will affect other areas of your life. We are humans and we feed off of each other. so your husband doesn't come on to you...come on to him. Pray seek God and tell Him to open your eyes so you can see what the problem is and correct it. Sometimes we don't want to see what the problem is, we will immediately point the finger. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and if we don't get ourselves together we will not make it to this person for the rest of our lives. I read that a husband character, actions, and behavior is a token of the wife spiritual life. If you want to know what she is doing look at the husband. So, women are we praying our husband through, are we pleading the blood of Jesus over their lives? are we fasting for them? Or are we just complaining, murmuring, and blaming? Are we speaking God's Word, husbands are to love the wife as Christ loved the church, husbands body isn't there on and vice versus...husbands are you speaking God's word or are you complaining, murmuring, and so forth...it works both ways...doesn't matter if they are saved or not...God's Word is God's Word if you speak it, believe it, and receive it and act on it, it shall not return to God void... I think you know the rest. We got to put God first in everything we do! And that is sex too. I just think it is totally awesome to know a man and a woman can become so close, so intimate (it reminds me of Jesus and God and the Holy Ghost) all in one...and marriage sexual relations has this oneness. It is wonderful...thank You God..
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starstarstarstarstar 		Strength
by: Anonymous

We as women wear many hats. We are feeling inadequate, unappreciated, and left out. But it isn't our husbands job to make us feel appreciated, worthy, and all of the other adjectives we want. We have got to know we are already this with or without our husbands. Why? Because God said that we are. We are the apple of His eye, we are wonderfully made, we are our husbands help meet and so much more. Once we love ourselves, and really love ourselves then it will not matter if our husband comes home and want a quickie, it will not matter if he pats our bottom or grab us. Because we already know who we are. I have been there and done that. I had to find myself in God and now heyyyy I don't care I am always ready! And he isn't everything he should be but he isn't what he used to be either. We are to submit to them as we submit unto the Lord. To treat them good and not evil all the days of our lives. How can we do this if we are focus on ourselves all the time. And if we need strength speak the strength in our lives and keep on going. I am a working mom, wife, student, and I draws my strength from God. Yes, I get tired, but I know when I start feeling aggravated, unappreciated, and all the other down words, I am not drawing from God and so I denounce myself and draw from God. It is the only way we will make it. So this may not work for everyone, the key is finding yourself in God and speaking His Word, believing His Word and acting upon His Word...God is the key.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Reply to Shelly
by: Min. Wanda

@Shelly: It's wonderful that you are now happily remarried, I am too, but it is not good to advise other women to leave their husbands because that is what you did. Each of these women should pray and get God's direction for their personal situations.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Life is TOO short to put up with a husband who withholds SEX!
by: Shelly

I'm reading these posts - 20-somethings who have sex every other month, women whose husband blame their housekeeping/cooking/mothering skills for their (husband's) low sex drive. PLEASE! My husband was never all that attracted to me (I had to be honest w/ myself, even if it was painful) and he just WASN'T INTO ME. I was a fit, cute, accomplished and educated 30 year old - went to couples counseling BY MYSELF because he refused to admit that there was a problem. I married the wrong person and ignored red flags when we dated. End of story. I left him for someone wonderful, we have great chemistry and great kids. God wants you to have a HAPPY satisfying marriage. If your husband won't sleep w you - CUT BAIT AND RUN! You can and deserve a GREAT sexually and emotionally satisfying marriage!
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starstarstarstarstar 		Is it me?
by: Anonymous

I've been skimming through everyone's comments and would really like to hear more from the wives who feel like their husbands treat them like a piece of meat. i feel this way. I feel like if I want to have an enjoyable time with my husband--hang out, talk, laugh, etc-- I need to go ahead and initiate sex, have it, and get sex out of the way first because otherwise all his mind is on is when this all leads up to sex. For a while I thought it was me. I thought, "Is something wrong with my sexuality"?, "Am I lacking a sex drive"?, "Do I just not enjoy sex"?, but now I see I'm not broken. Lol I know that I do enjoy sex. I like having an intimate moment with my husband. I like to MAKE LOVE. I don't, however, like feeling pressured, rushed, or manipulated into sex. Whats wrong with wanting a decent meaningful conversation with a little reciprocity? Romance? Is it my fault his obsession with my boobs and butt don't turn me on? It reminds me of a 13-year boy that just hit puberty. Grow up! That can't be normal? I feel bad when I am not sexually stimulated by it, but I think the truth is women do need to feel loved and while my husband does his best to make me feel loved--he doesn't really know how to make me feel loved, because if he did I'd want to have a lot more sex and I wouldn't feel like a hooker. And we're young. I read other comments of ppl not having sex for like weeks? Oh please! Two days go by and my husband is about to DIE from sex withdrawals. When we first got married his request was that we have sex at least every other day. Then the standard went from that to at least everyday. Then it went from that to, "Why does it only have to be once a day"? I find it hard to please him. He wants more spontaneous sex but I constantly have a calendar in my head of when's the next time we better have sex by and I feel pressured. I understand when it comes to sex the environment and everything else won't always be perfect and there are times when it wont be completely the way I'd like but---dang, cut a woman some slack. I'm cooking, cleaning, encouraging, praying, reading, working, going to school, and doing everything I can to make sure this family is fruitful! I don't need any more pressure! Grr.
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starstarstarstarstar 		greatly saddened
by: Anonymous

I am guilty - how do I stop when I feel like I'm being mauled or used? It's not "love" shared between a husband and wife - it's one man meeting his needs. I have been praying about this for so long and break into tears every time I think about it. I "love" my husband and want sex to be an express of that love not a battle field. How can a wife desire her husband when he doesn't care about her feelings. I can't even walk in the front door without being molested or talked to like an adolescent teenage boy thug would talk to a girl he didn't respect. HOW, can a husband say he loves his wife and treat her like garbage, filth, total disregard? How can a GODLY man do this? Personally, it greatly saddens me that we can't seem to get past this point and strive for a "GODLY" marriage, desiring to please God in every area of our lives which includes sex. I have spent more time in prayer for this area (especially the past few years), only God can set us free from the flesh (sin) that causes us to rebel against God and HIS desire for our life. I am not angry nor joyful but broken hearted..... May God forgive us and heal us.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Out of a sexless marriage - happily remarried and FINALLY have love AND children!
by: Shelly

Was married 7 years to a man who constantly was resentful of me (I was better educated and made more $, but never once threw it in his face - everything I had was ours), gave me the silent treatment, belittled and berated me and withheld sex from our first year of marriage. He had terrible mood swings, no self-esteem (although I encouraged him to go back to school and start his own biz). I wanted children, and thought he did too, but year after year went by and no sex = no baby. I begged him for couples counseling (he said no, so i went by myself). Finally he told me he actually didn't want kids - 6 years into our marriage. After years of crying and wondering what was wrong with "me," I met someone who made me feel great and left my husband. My lover and I got married, and we've been so happy for 7 years - he encourages me and puts me first. I finally have the children I wanted and a great daddy for them. I believe God wants me to be happy, and my happy marriage and two healthy boys are proof. I have no regrets!
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starstarstarstarstar 		Disrespected and used
by: Anonymous

What is this? If I feel disrespected and unloved I am not going to have sex with my husband. If he has hurt me by being insensitive to me even after I have talked with him about it I will not have sex with him. God doesn't ask women to be door mats. I am not going to make love on top of hurt and grief over his wrong doings that he refuses to address. All this does is create resentment and make me feel used especially if after sex he is back to his old, harshness and insensitivity. If he wants to commit adultery instead of examining himself and his ways I will be sad and hurt but I am through being used. If he commits adultery it will only reveal the kind of husband he really is.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Men are sometimes worse than women
by: Anonymous

It seems to me that this is more the other way around - husbands refuse their wives sex on a regular basis. My husband and I have had sex three times in the last 26 months. Once when we conceived our second son, and since he refuses to 'sleep' with a pregnant wife it dried up for 9 months. It's been six months since we've been intimate. It totally destroyed my self image and self esteem. People tell me to leave him, but I don't believe in divorce - I've been told to have an affair, but I can't bring myself to do it (and rightly so, I think). Besides, I've come to believe no man will ever want me. If my own husband can't bring himself to sleep with me, why would another man? People sometimes say sex isn't important, companionship and love outweighs the physical, but that is a complete lie - sex is vitally important to keep your marriage healthy. Being rejected on a regular basis destroys you in the long run. I never understood this until now.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Correcting the problem
by: Anonymous

The entire message of Jesus was to love your neighbor as yourself. I can understand how the world gets to this position, but Christians should have the monopoly on fabulous marriages and gratifying sex lives. But instead the world shuns marriage and practice fornication which while sinful still produces the results sex intended, namely happier couples. And it does not help when couples in sexless marriages see these people in the marketplace. Jealousy develops which causes more bitterness toward the offending spouse. So what do we do about this dilemma?

First of all repentance is needed because whether you are a husband or a wife, you are practicing sin if you deny your spouse the sex and affection due to them. The world says your body is yours, but it is not. It belongs to your spouse whether you be a husband or a wife. Secondly, forgiveness is key, especially in the case of the neglected because they are harboring hatred, bitterness which are also sins. They too have to repent.
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starstarstarstarstar 		20 years of punishment
by: Anonymous

I'm totally opposed to divorce. I've been physically faithful for 38 years and never had sex with anyone but my wife. I was a virgin on our wedding night. I am imperfect and sin. If I treat my wife poorly I apologize. She, however, acts as if she has nothing to be sorry about. We've been in counseling for years. I feel on the defensive with these people. It is always OK to beat up the man. The women seem to get a pass. Shutting me out emotionally is the current behavior of my wife. I was punished sexually for two decades. It stopped (sort of) a year and a half ago when I said I was leaving. The Church is AWOL and refers these issues to "Professional Licensed Counselors" who claim to be "christian". Do not believe this.
They have degrees from secular places that teach anti-Biblical theory. I will never be the Man I could have been. Depression has warped my outlook.
I have not handled her behavior well. I am resolved to stay "on the cross" where Christian Husbands usually live their lives in one way or another. Christ was misunderstood. I can relate to him much more now. My behavior is viewed in the worst light. I have served our family and made my wife very rich in money. Thank God he knows my heart and he knows the truth. She really does not even know me. He perceptions are warped by Satan.
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starstarstar 		I see I'm not alone, but any advice?
by: K

My Brothers and Sisters in Christ,
I can see that i am not alone. My husband does not feel the need to have sex with me often and even says he could go months and it just wouldn't bother him. He knows how much i love him, need him and desire him. We have only been married for 3 short years...both around 40 years old and both have had a previous marriage. He has struggled with porn...at least i hope it's a struggle....and i try to tell him that if he's still looking at porn, then his sexual needs are getting satisfied another way. I should be the only one he looks at, the only one he desires and the only one he wants to be satisfied by. He claims he is not looking at porn any more...though he was as of just a few short months ago. I'm not sure if the porn is only a part of the problem or the biggest part. Regardless, he knows how much I need that physcial connection with him. We are otherwise mostly happy. He is very content and I have learned to live with his constant TV watching in his spare time. Hours and Hours will pass on the weekend and he doesn't even seem to mind not seeing me. Is he just content? I don't know. But I do know that I don't want a roommate. I want a spouse...a lover...and i've told him this. Making love once a week would be great. Waiting for longer than 2 weeks is hard....and 3 or 4 weeks is killing my self esteem. I need to feel loved and desired physically. He knows this but doesn't seem to care. It's the same conversation all the time. is there ANY actual advice out there besides counseling. I've rea the 5 Love Languages. I'm fiesty and fun, yet still cater to him since his main love lang is Acts of Service. I feel like i'm the only one that cares for the others deepest needs. I'm getting nervous. We are only 40 and it will only get worse over time. I just can't take the rejection~ is there help?
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starstarstarstar 		Been there, Still there
by: Pearls

My husband and I have been together 16yrs, married for 11. As with most couples, in the beginning the sex was frequent, but with our son and mounting responsibilities it became less. About 5yrs ago it tapered down to once a month, maybe a couple times a month. Usually I initiated. At the beginning of 2007 we had sex once. We did not have sex again until the end of July 2009.

I never thought he was cheating on me, but I knew he looked at porn online and I had found DVDs 'hidden' in the house. I started thinking it was me, my body, my technique, whatever. Then I figured he was not happy in our town, so suggested we move to the area he wanted to be in (away from my family, closer to his, better job opps, etc).

Problem solved!!! ... for a few months. Still, if I wanted sex I usually initiated. Last summer it got to the point where I was tired of being rejected. So I stopped. I want desperately to leave this marriage. I have found things on his computer that point to cheating, whether he has or not, I think the idea or intent was (is) there. I feel so alone, hate coming home except to see my son.

I have told him how I feel, went out one night and didn't come home, wrote him a letter telling him how I felt, and that the no sex was just the icing on the cake. When I came back the next night we talked, we cried, we said we'd work on our communication. Yet nothing I addressed in the letter has been addressed.

I know that I am valued by someone. I know someone desires me, wants to make me happy, wants to please me in every way. But it's not my 'husband.' I feel like I have a roommate.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I agree
by: Anonymous

My husband is willfully withholding sex as well and it is so painful that I cannot use enough words to describe the pain. I have decided to leave him after three years and I have tried everything, and he just keeps making excuses and I just cannot deal with it anymore my health is at stake. The pain will hurt for a while but atlas it will not drive me insane.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Emotional Pain
by: Anonymous

To me the emotional pain from no sex with my wife is causing me anxiety and breathing problems at night. Ive never willfully withheld affection from her and certainly can do better in that department but she is willfully withholding sex. no idea what to do. love her to death but stuck in PAIN. Pain in my heart
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		slave to a wife no more
by: Bob

I to am feeling your pain. I have been married to my wife for 15 years,and always been there for her sexual needs.but as for me i am a sex addict if i want to have sex more than twice a month. And we are both Christians.SO you would think there wouldn't be an issue of sex withholding.My advice to those who are not getting any .stop giving to your spouse what they want.AS they say what comes around goes around.as for me,I did the cleaning the dishes, the laundry, bathing the kids you name it i did it and still NO LOVEN. So guess what I do for my children? what needs to be done for them and not for my wife. I know it sounds selfish but so is she. How else can I get her attention I don't want to have an affair but if she can not see what i do for her and there is no gratefulness then what is the point.we show each other love by serving one another not serving just one if we want to serve one alone, then serve GOD so ladies and gents. If you want the title of husband or wife, then you take responsibility for that role,if not someone else just mite meet those needs. so for those who just give and give stop you are wasting your time they do not see your advances nor do they want to they can not see past them selves.you should think about staying away from the home for a couple weeks to see if they know what they are missing from you being there doing so much for them. But do behave wile your away,and do not get comfortable being gone so that you are not tempted to do something you cant take back. Remember if you didn't love them you would have already left them for someone else.




Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Men
by: Anonymous

Christian husbands withhold sex too. I wish more people would write about that.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Wife used sex as a bargaining chip
by: Anonymous

When my wife told me i make her feel like a whore because I enjoyed sex with her and it was the primary way for me to connect with her emotionally, I told her, "I'm sorry I make you feel that way, I'll make sure you never feel like that again." She thanked me and thought that was that. I decided it would be even better if I with held affection and emotion from her. That way she would never feel like a whore. Now she's upset because I never touch her or ask about her or do anything romantic for her. I told her why and even pointed out that she thanked me for taking her feelings into account when she told me I made her feel like a whore. I told her if she wanted sex she could initiate it but I would never initiate sex with her again. It's been 1.7 years since we last had sex and I no longer have any desire to be with her sexually. She gets upset now but I think it's only because I took her biggest marriage bargaining chip from her and she doesn't know what to do. Such is life for a woman who uses sex as a weapon against her husband. No, I don't feel bad about it at all.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Wife withholds sex in christian marriage
by: Anonymous

I have been married 24 years and used to enjoy a very good sex life with my wife. Sex has dissipated over the last several years. I own two companies and do spend about 100 days a year away from home, sometimes being gone an entire month at a time. I can not wait to see her when I return, but often it is short lived as she makes me feel more like a paycheck than a husband and lover.

I give her everything she wants and even though I have kept myself in good shape, look several years younger than I am, continue to provide a wonderful home, she is not interested in love making. I am frustrated and feel unappreciated. When I ask for sex she tells me to masturbate. I used to do this , but God has pointed out to me that this is sinful since it has lead to fantasy and pornography. She would rather me do this instead just so I would leave her alone.

I do love her, but I am lonely. I stay loyal to her even though I have had multiple times when other women even much younger have pursued me.
I have even told her and she laughs at me and says something like " Oh you think all women want you". Well I do not, but I also know I am lonely and there are a lot of women out there that would love to be treated like I treat her.

She has everything I can give her, a summer home, 3 months of vacation a year, wonderful home, new car every few years, and most of all, my devotion to her and our children. We do not fight, but she is just not interested in sex or love at all.

I love her and I know that divorce is not an option, but I must admit that sometimes I do think about it and the freedom it would provide me. I think I am losing my attraction to her now too.

What to do...I have no idea?
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starstarstarstarstar 		CONFUSED SOLDIER AND WIFE
by: Anonymous

It may just be me, but it only seems like my husband just wants sex from me, his response to me missing him on this deployment is about sex nothing more, when we are at home its just sex sex sex... I am sorry but I am not just sex and its aggravating and it turns me off.
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starstarstarstarstar 		It's all just venting
by: Greg

Being on the receiving end of forced celibacy I can only tell you that it comes across as a form of sadism. My wife is well aware of what she is doing and the gates she has setup before she even shares our bed are insurmountable. I'm at a loss. I cook, clean, help my kids with their homework and bring home a hefty pay check. None of it matters. I have thought perhaps I am thinking too much of my own needs at times but then being married to a woman who initiated sexual contact 2 times in 20 years and spent more time in another room tells me there are other issues. I'm fed up and can only dream of holding a woman. I see no good way out except divorce, death or growing so old sex won't matter anymore.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Been there been trashed
by: Anonymous

After 5-6 years of marriage my wife withheld sex more and more. I tried talking, I cooked and did the dishes several times a week and nothing. I would "give her space" but nothing. She told me that I pester her too much for sex. I told her come to me when your ready. I waited and waited some more. 6 months later she came too me and we made love. After she said it's been awhile, I said yes it has,like 6 months. Her response,NO WAY. I got up got my day-timer turned back until I found a page with little LM on it. I said that was the last time we had Love Making. Did things get better nope. I told her we should go to counseling she said no, I asked our Minister to help,she refused to talk too him.
So what should a faithful man do after 0ver 20 years of marriage? I was, hurt,felt worthless and very depressed. I thought turning into a drunk, while I did drink more I was by no means a drunk. I made several more attempts to improve the situation by going on 3 romantic weekends alone plus a "Couples Weekend" sponsored by our church. Each time she sabotaged the weekend. The church weekend I would of left her by her self but we rode with another couple so I had no way to get the 120 miles home from a small town.
For the next couple of months after the church weekend my depression and hurt got much worse I started to plan my own demise. I stopped and sought counseling on my own since she refused. I then made the decision since she would not keep her vows that I should not be bound by our "Marriage contract" and had a number of "encounters". Mostly with Married women who's Husbands were holding out on them. None long term and none more than short term affection and gratification. This went on for 5-6 years and as you would surmise things got worse. She threaten to Divorce me (not knowing about my indiscretions)
My response was I'll have the paper work drawn up and went and called an Attorney and made an appointment with her there. After I hung up She had a Deer in the headlights look in her eyes.
The next day She told me She didn't want a Divorce after all. I told her too late I do I'll keep my appointment. She then told me She would go too counseling. We found a Marriage Counselor I had the Divorce papers drawn up which She knew and kept them in a "safe" place. Counseling worked and things are much better.
In the aftermath do I recommend my actions to others, NO! Do I regret my "indiscretions", NO. would I do it over the same, NO. In hindsight what I would do now is get divorce paper work and give her the choice of Counseling or Divorce.
The reason I tell this is too maybe wake someone else up who is playing this hurtful game with their spouse. WAKE UP FOR YOURS AND GODS sake. If your rejecting your spouse you are sowing seeds of disrespect, hurt, resentment, depression and maybe violence.
Sex and withholding it can be very deadly weapon don't unleash it unless your willing to accept the results of your action.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Sexless marriage
by: Anonymous

I am a woman and my husband is withholding sex as a way of punishing me. He refuses to talk about it but looks at me and tells me he is a very jealous husband. It hurts so bad. It makes me feel undesirable, unloved, alone, empty, to name just a few I do not know what to do. I have explained to him it is hurting me and I have written him with no avail. How much does God expect a spouse to take? I do not want to have an affair but I have needs this is just simply crazy why a spouse would withhold something that God has created to be a blessing for husband and wives and it is what separates our relationship from any other kind is the sexual relationship. I do not know what to do. So it is not just men who go through this obviously,
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starstarstarstar 		Its like going from being hungry to starving for love, romance, a kind word, any kindness...
by: Anonymous

I been there done it, see professional help, its all useless, after awhile the wife will just say she is not doing what the professional help suggest. She is determined its over, as she is filled with HATE for her husband, he can be a very good man, and God fearing, and truly love his wife. And yet she will treat him in this way. Preachers mostly have wives that love them and they never have to go years with out sex, while having a women in the house. Its terrible stress for the man, living with desires that will never be met, sex, love, romance, a touch, a soft word..all he gets is hate and discord. I was married 19 years and year 2 started and fast went to a no sex marriage. I stayed as long as I could as the marriage got worse, she would hunt me in the house to come and bitch me out, I built me a room in the basement to get away from her, she would then come down there screaming at me. She screamed at me upstairs, She screamed and hated me so much, I was truly surprised after my divorce when I could see more clearly her total hatred for me. I then could begin to stop loving her. I wished I left sooner for my sons sake
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starstarstarstarstar 		Husband will not show any affection
by: Anonymous

I met my husband in church and love him deeply. However, sex has always been about him. Never about mutual satisfaction. We have not had sex in 2 years and have been married for 20 years.
I am getting increasingly frustrated, the desire for sex is stronger and it is constantly on my mind. I need help and prayers.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Both Sides
by: Anonymous

Its not just women that withhold sex - as many of the posts show - yet it seems to be implied that its far more egregious for women to withhold than for men! That seems terribly unfair, especially because that verse applies both ways. My love is withholding from me, and it causes me desperate pain. No - NOT just emotional, physical, and it drives me to the same things men say they are driven to.

The problem is not women withholding from men or men witholding from women, but of any spouse denying their body to their beloved. It's not more difficult on either side (whatever men say, libido is on average higher in men, but there are women with higher libidos too - you cannot assume a woman would thus suffer less)

It is a terrible scourge on either side, however, and a cruel way to express displeasure.
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starstarstarstarstar 		No longer intersted
by: Anonymous

I have been married for 23 years and my husband and I were very intimate in our early stage but now he doesn't even acknowledge me or doesn't even intent to touch me unless I make the first move, and when I do he shrubs me over, I know that he is not having an affair I can bet on that but it hurts me that he doesn't even look at me at times or show any affection towards me.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		This is some kind of a shock somehow??
by: rcflybry

I am a new Christian.. at least I consider myself so. I accepted Christ when I was 14 and then pretty much went my own way until re dedicating my life and REALLY choosing to live for him just last year. I'm 43 now.

My wife constantly holds sex from me and it's only okay to be intimate when she initiates it. Let's see.. twice this year and once last year.
We went an entire year before that without having sex at all. I've continued to be faithful and do all that I can to provide, be the man of the home. I've gone to lengths to build the home that we live in now because we couldn't afford this home having it built for us. The home was built to specs. that she wanted, I could have cared less. I just wanted her to be happy.
I've paid for her school in order for her to get the degree she has now.

I'm considered very attractive to women with a great sense of humor as women tell me this all the time. A few years back.. I got very tired of the no sex deal and decided to substitute it with watching porn. (A move that plagued me until I was able to break this habit by giving God control in this area)

I figured it this way.. "Okay, you want me to be faithful to you but yet that doesn't involve sex?
God planted this desire in me! If I'd had it my way, I'd have asked him to remove it.
I thank him daily for the strength to not go through with an affair that I was literally begged to begin with a woman.
I've read here that women never thought of the fact that resisting sex can lead to pornography problems or worse?

Take it from a very level headed, loving husband.. This shouldn't be a shock in any way.
I also get a chuckle when I read that men and women say that it's difficult when they only get sex once a month or every other month even. Every other month at this point sounds great to me! It would be a huge improvement.

I quote 1st Corinthians chapter 7 vs. 5 "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you my devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control."

I continue to pray and not give in.. but this is one tough task.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		not fair
by: so lonely I could cry

My husband has a very low sex drive. I do not. We've been married for 2 1/2 years and the past 2 years it has been a month, or 2 or 3 in between. Had I known this problem before we married, I would not have married him. I am a very attractive 33 year old woman, I don't understand his lack of desire. He is only 30 years old. I am in my prime, I feel like I'm being wasted. I have so much passion, yet nowhere to go with it. I am so angry about this. I feel as though he has taken my sexuality away from me. It isn't fair. I can't take being rejected over and over. I resent him for putting me in this situation. I feel so disconnected from him, because we don't have that bond that a healthy sexual relationship creates. I have told him how I feel several times, yet, he still continues to not touch me. My mind has started to wonder already. I am a God fearing woman, therefore will never physically cross that line. But my mind is beginning to wonder, and I feel so guilty. But then I get so angry because, WHAT DOES HE EXPECT???? I am only human and I have needs. He is selfish. I made him a Dr appt. I pray for an easy fix like low testosterone. If this doesn't work I will be forced to leave him. I just can't believe he KNOWS why I am so sad, yet he DOES NOTHING to fix it. I pray for myself as well as for him. I would never want him to feel the way I do. That being said, I refuse to feel this way for much longer.....
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		It helps to know I am not alone...
by: Alone

As I read the comments I know I am not alone. The more my husband refuses sex with me the more I will become distant towards him for doing this to me. The only time a relationship should be without sex is during a time of prayer with both in agreement. (1 Corinthians 7:5 that husbands and wives should not deprive each other from sex unless it's for the purpose of fasting and praying.)

As the weeks and months (soon to be years)I will become more angry about this. It will put a deep wedge in the marriage on my part. I know that sex isnt the only part to a good marriage but to me it is the greatest form of personal rejection. It amazes me how you can be in a world of friends and family but still feel so alone.

If he had a physical problem I would have more respect than total shut down. If he had a physical problem then there are other forms of satisfaction that just sex. I think this helps me to clear my head. I know someone will read and share in my problem. The comments help me greatly. Thanks to everyone that has posted. Even though I do not know by anything else but a screen name I can still pray for you.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		How do you share this information?
by: Anonymous

This is a problem in my marriage, my wife and I have very different ideas on the amount of sex that should take place. While I try to do whatever I can to provide for my family and make a very comfortable living, my wife is either too tired or we've exceeded our time line. She doesn't seem to have a problem staying up on the computer or waking up early to get on Facebook or email, but as soon as we are in bed, she suddenly is sleep deprived.

I tell my wife positive things all day long, she is beautiful, she is a wonderful mother to our children etc. While I admit I could probably help more around the house, I work 60 hours a week already.

What bothers me the most is she knows it is wrong and has told me many of the same things written here. She claims to be a Christian, we were baptized together and she professes her love in public, but behind the closed doors, she is another person. Sex is routine and very one sided in terms of effort. It is a big problem that I really believe she feels will go away as we get older, what she doesn't realize is it is not going away, and if it continues, it will simply weaken our relationship.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		You didn't know it could lead to problems?
by: Anonymous

Great posts- thank you all for sharing your experiences. As a man I have to say I am surprised that a couple ladies had light bulb moments about the troubles and temptations that withholding sex can cause for men. What??? Do you have any understanding of how strong God made a man's physical drive and desires. I've been married over 17 years and unfortunately have had to endure a spouse, whom I love, withhold all intimacy for years. When I read other posts it is encouraging that I am not alone and at the same time discouraging that I am not alone. If I ever have an opportunity to advise a young couple about to be married I would strongly advise them not to marry unless they are serious about their commitment to meet each others physical needs. It is not a game, it is not a tool for leverage to get your way (that's selfishness). If you are not willing or able to make a vow and commitment you cannot or will not keep then seriously consider if marriage is for you. Think about it. In marriage a man of character makes a serious committment to you to share intimacy with you alone and no other woman. Apparently a lot of women then choose to stop meeting the needs that God designed them with. May I share with you that very few other things in life could be so frustrating and feel so unfair to a man. If you are withholding intimate companionship from your spouse PLEASE consider the promise that you are breaking and the deep pain you are choosing to cause. If you are thinking through all the reasons why he or she does not deserve it or all the reasons you don't feel like giving it then back up because you have MISSED the point. A person of character honors serious commitments regardless of how they feel. I'm not saying we ignore feelings or invalidate them. I am saying that we should always do what is right even when we don't feel like it. Crazy principle isn't it? My momma taught me that one when I was a little kid.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Addicted to sex
by: Anonymous

What would you consider a man who is a sex addict along with a drug addict, who is demanding sex everyday with the minimum time of 1 hour??? This is definitely not Gods way!!! He is surely narcissistic and caring only about himself!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Feels alone (but knows I am not)
by: Anonymous

I am the woman that sex is being withheld from. He has withheld for about a year(actually about 5/6 years but the past year we only have 3 or 4 times). When I asked my spouse just this past week "when will we be intimate again?" he said I dont know if we ever will be again. He went on to say it's all about YOU (meaning me). I asked him to explain that comment. He said it is because I do not make the bed everyday, because I do not cook everyday, because I argue with the children on ocassion, because I made a comment that I would like to have made a beach trip this past summer (we havent been in over 6 years and didnt go this year either), because he cannot get a new vehicle and I drive one that is 10 years old but it was a gift to me, because I attend Friday night football games, I am sure more was said but these are the things I processed in my head that is all about ME. He went on to say he doesnt know if he will ever be attracted tome again. I asked if he was punishing me for this and he said no he just doesnt have the disire anymore.

I am at a loss what to do. I feel alone but I know I am not. It is rejection. I honestly cant say I will have the same feeling for him ever again. He said it is all about ME. I think it is all about HIM. A wonderful Godly man I know (and talked with about this) said he wil have to answer for this action. I know deep down he will but it isn't comfort for me now.

I told him he is the only one that cam forefill my sexual need since we are married and that did not have an effect on him.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! Everytime I bring up this issue it is always turned on me and it is my fault. Please pray for me.....
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		26 YEARS
by: Anonymous

Married 26 years sex was great until about 5 yrs ago. We have sex maybe 5 times a year at best.Our silver anniversary trip was a sexual flop. I feel like my husband is waiting for the kids to turn 18 to divorce me!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Let God Be True, and Every Man a Liar...
by: Anonymous

OK, Ladies (and applicable men). Here's the deal. There are many reasons, excuses, feelings, emotions, etc. as to why many Christian women withold sex from our husbands. I've been there myself, but it became so clear to me what I was doing. The bottom line on it is that it is directly against the word of God (1 Cor 7:3-5), and in all honesty, it is sin...sin that is open, blatant, and consistent. God tells us in James 4:7 that he who knows to do Good (The word of God), but does not do it, to him it is sin. God is very clear on this. To withold sex from your husband for whatever reason is to knowingly and willingly sin. In doing so, you are opening up yourself and your marriage to the wages of sin, which is death (to your marriage, relationship, etc.) It completely opens the door for the devil to do whatever he wants to do in your life. I really think that God sees this as sin, and is very displeased with his daughters. For the men who are witholding sex from their wives, it is even worse, because the head of the home is knowingly and willingly, openly sinning. We have to stop this now!!! As Christians, our commitment to God is to do His will, regardless of whether we feel in the mood. Christians who would detest someone openly committing adultery, stealing, killing, etc., need to realize that this is sin as well. As with any other sin, we need to confess it, repent, and make a decision to do His will in this area. And of course, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Ask your spouse for forgiveness, and let God begin the healing!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		to: hypocrisy of women who shut off their husbands
by: SameHere

I completely understand you. But what can I say if my husband doesn't want to be intimate with me more than once every other week? It is strange to me that a man can be like that. Is it strange to be wanted?

What is the reason? He can give me many answers but even when those things clear out, everything else stays the same.

Is there anything else we can do beside praying?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		hypocrisy of women who shut off their husbands
by: Anonymous

I am a Christian man who is angry at this point . I see all of the Christian women going to their Bible studies dutifully every week and yet I know many men, including myself, who are shut off sexually. All we hear from the pastors is how we need to be more sensitive, listen more and be more understanding of our wives. This is true. But what about the other side of the coin? I am a faithful, fit man and my wife is never in the mood unless we go away to a resort or something. We may have sex every three months! My wife is beautiful and responsive when we do have sex. But it is difficult to hold out for WEEKS at a time. When I hear a man has fallen, I feel like asking the woman, "When was the last time you made love with your husband?" Are we supposed to just be 'shelved' and at the whim of our wife? She knows I am a Christian and can't do anything about it.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Praying for you
by: Samantha

I will keep all the people who are struggling in this area in prayer. Also know God knows and understands the pain and frustration a wife and husband feels when their sexual relationship is strained. He is willing to help because a healthy blissful enjoyable sexual relationship with one's spouse is HIS WILL. Hallelujah! God designed it and it is good. Within marriage sex can glorify God. With this being said remember you can ask His help without any shame or embarrassment and without feelings of guilt or selfishness. A person can pray for their spouse to act accordingly in regards to sex so that they may not sin against God-his word regarding sex, and so that you and your spouse can enjoy and bless each sexually as God wants. Also you should pray for patience and peace as God works because most times when there are sexual issues in a marriage some type of healing is needed within the person some where. So you would want to demonstrate Christ's love and patience and walk with them throught this trying time. Ask God how you can help and pray for your spouse and to give you strength to endure in their process of healing. He will reward your selflessness. Surely he will. Be encouraged. You are not alone. Again God understands and will see you through. I pray your comfort in Him. He know it is a need that needs to be met. Wait on the Lord, by His grace and In His Spirit in Jesus name. In the mean time read Psalm 73:26 and Philippians 4:6-8. Remember Jesus Loves You
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Advice
by: AWC

I am a young Christian man and my wife and I have been married for 5 years. 3 years ago we had our first child and 1.5 years ago we had our second. In three years we have had sex an average of once every other month. I am 27, she is 25. She uses sex as a weapon against me and refuses to see a doctor. So what should I do? Set her an appointment with a doctor? What if she refuses? I see a Christian counselor every other week but she refuses. Her family has a history of depression and bipolarism. If I pull out scripture she just says that I am twisting things to get my way.

I'm not in favor of a divorce (especially with the little ones) but I am at my wit's end. Her negativity and emotional and physical withholding is causing me to become negative. I find that I am so frustrated that she will not meet my needs (emotional OR sexual) that I can become a sniper and pick away at her in my frustration.

So what does a man do when his wife won't listen and divorce doesn't seem like a good option? I need some HELP!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		:\
by: What to do?

It is hard to put this in words because I dont have enough space to write this :)
So... Me and my husband are married for almost a year now and our intimacy is really low. And it hurts me really bad because when being intimate I feel a connection and love, that I dont get anywhere else. And for sure it is healthy to have it.
He was married before but his wife wanted a divorce. He was always saying to me that intimacy is a very good thing, that he desires it and it should be quite frequent in every marriage (depending on time etc). I always wanted to please him but I cant please him in staying away from him because I cant.
I almost always have to push him into it or eventually after all my complaints he does it. I dont know how is it with you guys but for me once in 10 days or so is painfull. Does he want me or love me??? is the question I am dealing with. He says so and he hugs me, cuddles me but...
I confronted him with the Bible (1 Cor 7:5) but he says that is all about controlling emotions (lack of self-control). ??? Is he making an excuse or am I being selfish and wanting sex more often? I also found other verses in the Bible but he said to me that I am seeking for a solution and that I should find satisfaction within God.
Our relationship otherwise is ok, so I cant find anything that is "holding him back".
I know that it is not everything about sex but it is hard to live without it as well.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Makes me question wife's true beliefs
by: Anonymous

My wife waited until after we got married to tell me she doesn't like being touched and is incapable of initiating physical contact. She has admitted to using sex as a weapon against me. It's been 15 years since she's even touched me, and just as long that we've had separate bedrooms at her insistence. The Bible doesn't address my situation, so I guess I got the short end of the stick and either spend my whole life lonely and miserable, or go to hell for adultery. After all, I'm not entitled to a divorce from a Biblical point of view. So I guess women are free to do whatever they want, anything short of adultery, and their husbands have no recourse. Hell or loneliness...what a great choice huh? Makes me wonder why I even became a Christian if this is what it does to you. So much for the abundant life.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Husband's Lack of Sex Drive
by: Anonymous

I suggest you sit down and discuss this openly with your husband. Even if past attempts have failed. Gently let him know how important intimacy is to your relationship. Not only that, how much you miss being with him. This is a very delicate situation, so you must be sure to handle it delicately. Be careful not to wound his ego. Your husband may be using the children to cover up a bigger problem. Something he is too embarrassed to talk about.

If your husband has not had his annual physical, suggest he go and have a complete work up done. He may have erectile dysfunction or a hormonal imbalance. It is not uncommon for a man's testosterone levels to be low. Once the two of you have ruled out any and all physical ailments that could be contributing to his lack of interest, the next step would be a mental and emotional check. To really get to the bottom of the problem, the two of you should probably seek out a qualified sex therapist.

But it all starts with a conversation. May I also suggest you preface your conversation with a few days of prayer before approaching your husband on this matter. A marriage should not be child centered, but rather Christ-centered. This ensures each party unselfishly serves the other. And it ensures that the children have a healthy marriage to model.

I'll be praying for you.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		My husband just doesnt come on to me sexually
by: Anonymous

I have to initiate everything and sometimes he doesnt even get an erection. I know that he loves me and is not cheating (I really know this. He is a really nice guy and loves the kids but that's all he really wants to talk about. We can not have 1 decent conversation without him getting on the subject of the kids. I want to talk about us sometimes but he thinks that people who want that are not child centered and shouldn't have kids. Our kids are 19,17,16,12 and 9. Are they still an excuse not to send time with me or find me attractive. He has a vasectomy so its clearly not the fear of having more kids. When we met I had just gotten over a bad marriage and I had the 3 oldest already. I feel like he really fell in love with being a father to the little babies and not being a husband to me.
WHat should I do?
Rating
starstarstar 		Husband withholds sex
by: Anonymous

My husband with holds sex in our marriage. It's been two years since we had sex. It was never really great, but I felt reassured when we'd did have sex & we had children. I was a virgin when we married, and bought the Christian line 'why have hamburger now, when you can have steak later' in other words, you'll have a great sex life if you wait. This wasn't true & it's really awful, unscriptural teaching. You can't promise young people great married sex, any more than you can promise rewarding employment or that they'll never experience the heartbreak of miscarriage.
My heart is broken daily by my husband's rejection.
Rating
starstarstar 		Husband withholds sex
by: Anonymous

My husband with holds sex in our marriage. It's been two years since we had sex. It was never really great, but I felt reassured when wd did have sex & we had children. I was a virgin when we married, and bought the Christian line 'why have hamburger now, when you can have steak later' in other words, you'll have a great sex life if you wait. This wasn't true & it's really awful, unscriptural teaching. You can't promise young people great married sex, any more than you can promise rewarding employment or that they'll never experience the heartbreak of miscarriage.
My heart is broken daily by my husband's rejection.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Response to Never Withhold Sex
by: Min. Wanda

You said you feel like a piece of meat when you give in to your husband's sexual desires and your own emotional needs have not been met. You asked if this was normal.

I would have to say "yes" it is normal. As you already know, men and women have totally different needs. As women, we must feel loved and appreciated before we can engage in sex. But men are the opposite...they must have sex in order to feel loved and appreciated.

But marriage is a two-way street, not a one-way. Therefore, sex should be just as enjoyable for the wife as it is for the husband. Each person should be willing to meet the needs of the other.

My recommendation is that you talk to your husband and share your heart with him. Tell him how much better it would make you feel if he first engaged you emotionally (Give him a few suggestions). Let him know that not only would it make you feel better, but it would ultimately make you desire him even more!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Never withold sex
by: Anonymous

Wow, I think what you have is amazing! and it might take some of us a little longer to get to where you are to be completley surrendered to your husbands every sexual desire. I'd love that.
It might be a little harder if you have a brood of young kids, or a partner who dislikes talking things through or being effectionate, or you might even have a medical condition. Unfortunately for me I have all the above and find myself physically exhausted most of the time and emotionally starved. How do I surrender then, unfortunatley one of my problems is that If my husband hasn't engaged with my emotions before we make love, I feel like a peace of meat afterwards...is this normal?
If my hubby realised that being affectionate, showing me and telling me he loves me, I'd be more welcoming to his advances.

I'm very unhappy about it but I'm guilty.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Good
by: Ms.Tally

Good Points ladies!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		never withhold sex
by: Anonymous

ladies love your husbands unconditionally with everything ounce of your being. Never withhold the opportunity to share yourself with your husband. Your body should belong to him as his to you. You are only asking for trouble in your marriage if you withhold any part of you. Tell him your every thought, inner feeling and hurt. My marriage is sexually healthy and the tie that keeps us one. I love my husband and I surrender to his every desire.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Light Bulb Moment
by: Tammie

Okay, so I never thought about the fact that doing this could cause my husband to fall into things like pornography or adultery. That's something to think about -- a light bulb moment for me.

Thanks
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Withholding Sex - Not the American Way
by: Anonymous

I don't think it's the American Way as Nikos implied, I think it's a matter of women needing more emotional stimulation when it comes to sex. I mean I don't know many women (myself included), who are hot and ready for sex following an argument or if her home is in chaos. I know what the Bible says about not denying your spouse sex. And I do believe it can lead to other problems. But I think it's the way we're made. Have I done it? yes. But I can honestly say that it was because my emotional needs were not being met.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		American Way
by: nikos

I have been married for 25 years. Wife stop sex with me for 3 years.We start fighting she moves to another bedroom and I start going out.
after one more year we divorce.

Boy did she grab my attention.

Good luck every body
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Me Too!
by: Gina

Kathy,

You're not alone on this one. I've done this a number of times with my husband. The thing I never thought about before reading this is how this can lead to pornography or adultery. It's definitely an open door for the enemy when your husband feels his needs aren't being met.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I'm Guilty
by: Kathy

Okay, I'll admit I'm guilty of this but sometimes it seems as though it's the only way I can get my husband to listen to me, or take me seriously. I honestly feel like I'm condoning or saying I agree with him when I have sex with him when deep down inside I'm still upset over something that happened earlier. I know I should just talk about it but it's just so hard sometimes. Anyway, thanks for the reminder that this is not God's way.

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